Frustration

It's me!! That's who!! Did you guess? 

Even though I've preached and written about patience, acceptance and remaining positive, I still struggle. I'm human. I occasionally push harder than is wise. I still look back at pre-cancer me and expect to be that person. This probably seems like I am constantly repeating the same topics and issues. I'm hoping that by continually purging my busy little brain that I'll make some sense and eventually listen to myself. 

That means today I'm visiting, or maybe revisiting frustration. I had good and bad days all rolled in to one this past weekend. I did a run each morning. I followed that up with some yoga and core work. After I refueled I finished each day off with a bike ride. None of these were hard, fast or far. Saturday was a beautiful day by central Wisconsin standards for the end of November. Close to 50 degrees and sunshine. I did my ride with Tammy and some of my favorite back roads. Sunday wasn't as nice but I almost replicated Saturday. So why the frustration you ask? You did ask, right?

For me it can be tied to the above not far, fast or hard. Especially during my run each day. I kept glancing at my watch and the pace and heart rate it was showing. I keep comparing my running to the half marathon I ran in the middle of September. Before you all jump on my back, yes I know things have changed. I hadn't started radiation yet. I had a pacer/company on that day. The weather was really perfect. I do know these things. And it still frustrates the hell out of me. I ran hard on Sunday. It felt hard. I could have maybe pushed faster but not much. I was almost 45 seconds per mile slower for 3 miles as I was for my half marathon. And I hurt! That's one reason I added the yoga. Otherwise I probably would be sorer and stiffer than I am today. 

The rides felt the same. I keep comparing them to the race I did in the middle of August. Yeah, again, I know. Things have changed. I felt so strong in August. 20 plus miles of single track on my single speed. It felt effortless. I was as close to being in the zone as I've been in years. Saturday was a decent ride. I rode with Tammy and we enjoyed that 50 degree weather. Not far or fast but it was a good ride. Sunday's ride was totally different. I knew from the start it was going to be a battle. The wind felt relentless and cold. I had plans for a longer ride but wisely chose a route that allowed me shortcuts if needed. And it was needed. I came close to walking up a hill that I used to fly up. It took me almost twice as long as usual. That was the point I knew it was time to head for home. 

Okay, again, I know I'm not quite the rider/runner I was a few months ago. I know (hope) it will come back. It just is so frustrating to work so hard and feel like I'm going backwards. It's hard for my tiny brain to accept that my body is working hard just to get healthy. Believe me, I constantly tell myself to relax and just be glad to be able to ride and run at all. And it is a battle, but I think I'm finally relaxing and allowing myself some slack. 

My last couple rides to start this week were better. I got back on the trainer and did a couple rides on Zwift. I even did a virtual race. Granted down a category or two from my last Zwift events but I relaxed and just played around. 

I started December with a cold loop around the Hartman Creek single track with Tammy. Easy peasy. I felt good. Dare I say even a little stronger than normal.

I'm hoping some easy days and the end of radiation treatments will start nudging me back to normal. I'm not expecting huge improvements. It's going to be spring before the hormone therapy shot begins to wear off. So, I'll have good and bad days. And continue to be frustrated on occasion, but the end is in sight. And I won't give up or stop trying. Slow and steady, right? I seem to be good at that!

Thanks for following my endless ramblings. I appreciate it. It helps me work out my feelings and thoughts. As always, comments and questions are always welcome.

Until next time....get out and run, ride, or whatever gets you moving. Oh yeah, and FUCK CANCER!