Okay, maybe I’m not superhuman!

 

There are a few people who may want to be seated when they read this post. You know who you are. 

I went back to work on December 21. With my southern swing schedule I just finished my first 7 days on stretch before my days off.  As I got ready to return I assumed I was ready. My last radiation treatment was December 7. That gave me two weeks to rest up. That should be plenty to let my body recover. I figured I would hit the ground running and it would be situation normal. Steady as she goes.  I may have overestimated my recovery and readiness just a bit. 

It felt good to be back. In 40 years at work, 10 weeks off is the most time I have ever missed. I eased back in as best as I could. I work in a paper mill. Blue collar. Lots of walking. Usually 10,000 plus steps. In steel toed shoes, hard hat, high vis clothes, cut resistant gloves and of course a mask. On and off a forklift. Readying railcars for product. Opening and closing railcar doors. Fairly physical work. When the railcars ship out doors in the train shed are obviously open. So it gets a bit chilly. It’s December in Wisconsin. It’s warm. It’s cold. Days are never the same. 

Day one went okay. I was a little tired by the end of my shift. But not bad. I chalked it up to not being accustomed to waking up at 4:30 a.m. My sleep quality is still not exactly optimal so I figured I would be a bit tuckered out. I got some running and riding in the first few days back. Nothing out of the ordinary. At least I didn’t feel it was. 

Things slowly started adding up day by day. Sleep suffered. Quality and amount. The joint pain I had earlier has returned with a vengeance. The last couple days the fatigue was honestly overwhelming. I actually fell asleep mid conversation. Not listening. Talking! Toss in a couple crappy commutes in snowy conditions. I was beat. I was angry at myself for not hitting my workouts. I was depressed. 

Now of course I kept training. A couple days running. A few Zwift rides. There might have even been a day of doubling up. I felt slow. Legs of lead while running. The rides weren’t much better. Trying to hit certain wattages felt tough. Tougher than it should have felt. I kept pushing for a few days. Hey, I have never claimed to be smart. Stubborn, yes. Smart, no! 

It was like a car wreck in slow motion. I could see things getting worse but kept ignoring the situation. I just kept hoping things would return to normal. But that wasn’t happening. 

It was time to take a step back. I’ve taken a few days away from training. A day off is rare for me. My body usually responds well to training stress. The more the better. I guess I didn’t factor in dealing with cancer and the treatments. I’m sure the lack of testosterone isn’t helping. 

The rest seems to be helping. I am still tired as hell. I still ache like hell. Sleep quality sucks. But I feel better. If that makes sense. 

I’m going to rethink my short term goals. They really aren’t overly ambitious but maybe I need to tone them down a skosh. I’m really beginning to think that 2021 will be a rebuilding year. I’ve been dealing with my cancer for all of 2020, from the first appointment and tests to today. I suppose I can’t expect to get back to the amazing fitness level I was at overnight. 😁

So if you see me ramping things up too quick feel free to knock me down a peg or two. I apparently don’t have the sense to pay attention to common sense. 

That’s enough for now. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I needed it. Comments and questions are always welcome.   

Listen up boy!!

Welcome back!

When I began this post I felt the need to do a little more mental purging. Not sure why. Maybe the craptastic weather - mid 30's and 35 mph wind gusts. Apparently I'm not as hardy as I imagine myself to be. So instead of putting on my big boy pants and venturing outside, I began to empty my mind. 

After my post about acceptance I have realized I'm not doing very well on that front. I'm a little hard of hearing. And I've been told I'm a bit stubborn. I need to listen to what my body is trying to tell me. I'm trying but most days I am having a hard time accepting that I can't keep up. That I can't hit my goal paces. That I can't ride or run the distance I would like. 

I know that I need to relax. Believe me, multiple people remind almost every day that my body is fighting and trying to heal. And I know that. It seems that my mind doesn't want to listen to my body. 

It's a battle I've been fighting as long as I can recall. I've lined up on the start line of a 40 mile mountain bike race after being told I should be under bed rest for back spasms. I started a cross country ski race with a fever up around 101°F. I've apparently broken and cracked bones and continued riding, running and working out (that's what my latest bone scan showed.) I guess I don't listen well!

Lately the weather is my biggest enemy. In central Wisconsin the weather has been very fall-like. Except for a few nice days in the 70's it has been cold and windy. Most days not enough to keep me inside but enough to make riding or running, shall we say, interesting. I generally try and head out in to the wind. And try to just go easy and not let Mother Nature get me down. I've had two rides recently where I didn't do well on that front. The headwinds frustrated me. Pissed me off. I almost let it defeat me. I kept looking down at my Garmin and seeing my speed. WTF! That can't be right! A little uphill and a headwind and I'm almost down to single digits. And there's nothing more in the tank. 

My Thursday ride and Friday run last week were perfect examples of my stubbornness and difficulty realizing that I'm not pre-radiation Dustin. I probably put in more miles than was wise on Thursday. The wind on my way out to Saxeville seemed to suck the energy out of my legs. I got home and admitted to Tammy that I almost gave up. I wanted to walk up a hill on Long Lake Road I would normally power up. I damn near got out my phone and called for a ride home. I seriously wanted to quit. That has never happened before. My run Friday was no better. I tried, key word tried to do my 5K scheduled workout. It called for a 10 minute warmup, 1.5 mile time trial and 10 minute cool down. All I can say is that it was very humbling. I'll admit it was a pretty good uphill run on the Wau-King trail heading up to the High School. Still.....my little time trial felt ridiculously hard. It felt like race pace. I won't even add the pace. My heart rate was higher than it should have been for the pace. By the time I went for a ride Saturday I was depressed and beaten. Another headwind. I did my best to relax and not look at my speed. I will admit I did better than I thought I would. I kept telling myself it's just a damn ride! Be glad you're out riding! Once I got the wind behind me I actually enjoyed the ride. I didn't feel better. Any hard effort was immediately rewarded with an instant loss of energy. The remainder of Saturday was spent on the couch napping while my body tried to recover. 

This week hasn't been much better on the listening front. I did a virtual duathlon on Thursday. I couldn't believe how slow and clumsy I felt both riding and running. Today, Friday I went for a little road ride. I know I probably shouldn't have but......again, I struggled with the wind. And felt horrible. Depressed. Demoralized. Actually angry with myself. I tried to relax and just spin. It worked a bit but then I'd look down and see single digits as I went up hill. Deep down my brain just won't let my body relax. I have some ideas as to why, but I'll bore you with that at another time!

My goal for the next week is to listen to my body. Really listen. And then take what my body will allow for that day. If it says "relax, rest and nap" then I will do that. If it says "let's go really easy today and just enjoy" I will do that. I'm going to pay attention and finally listen. I know I need to rest, recover and heal but that doesn't mean total inactivity. I need to listen and find that fine line to balance my days. I need to listen when my body wants to call it quits and then decide if it really has had enough or if I'm just being a big weanie! 

Just so it doesn't seem like all I do is whine, I am listening! I rode Tuesday, November 17. And it truly wasn't a good day. Instead of packing it in I relaxed and worked on flowing through the local single track. It didn't pay to push because I didn't have any push in me. So I guess I can be taught! Baby steps. 

Wish me luck!!

As always, thank you for following this endless stream of babbling, whining and purging. It helps me cope in a weird kind of way! Comments, questions and pleas to just shut up are always welcome!

Svenofthenorth

WHY?

I was listening to a podcast recently and the topic of "why" came up. Why does a person run or ride or whatever? If you lose your "why" does that mean you've lost your motivation? Or lost your drive to continue during a race when things go south? Does it mean you've lost that elusive "mojo"? And it got me thinking. Hmmm....imagine that!

All that has been going on this year really got me pondering on this issue. The first "why" that popped up in my head was competition. Maybe that was my first thought due to the lack of races this year. Obviously due to COVID-19 real live pin on a bib and line up on a start line races have been rare. I did two running events before the shit hit the fan. One in February and one in March. The one in March probably snuck in just under the wire. My next actual event wasn't until mid August. That one was different due to all the safety precautions. People weren't hanging out in big groups. There were no awards presentation or post race food and beverages. It started in small ten person waves. It was safe and socially distant but still fun. Just in a different way. The next one was a gravel event in October. Pretty much the same set up. A bigger start but everyone was wearing a mask while we rolled out. Again, still a fun event. I did one virtual event which was a new animal for me. Pick a date and time. Run the time for which I registered. Post the results online. I still got some swag but everyone ran when and where they could. I don't know about everyone else but I can't push quite as hard or far by myself. I need that race day adrenaline rush. Chasing down that person in front of me or trying to put distance on the person behind. I have a hunch that this will be the new normal, at least for a while. And I'll get used to it. 

Now before I get too far I should probably define competition. For me it means toeing the start line and seeing what I can do. I don't mean racing and winning medals. I don't even mean setting PRs. It's a me vs. me kind of thing. If it's an event I've done, can I better last year's time? If it's a new event, it's how do I stack up against the locals? Like I said above, I just can't reproduce that race day feeling. Racing elbow to elbow makes me discover an extra gear. Some days. And some days it's a very humbling experience. It helps me explore how my training has gone. Which leads me to another "why". 

Training. I'll just define that as getting out the door and putting in the miles. Some days may have a purpose or goal. I may actually be trying to follow a training plan for an upcoming event. Some days it is just to be outside. Exploring new roads and trails. No time or distance goals. Sometimes it's local. Occasionally it's half way across the country.  

What really cemented my "why" was the aforementioned gravel event I just did. If you've followed this blog you know I am having a little health issue. I wasn't really sure I would or could do this event. But I had two friends doing the race. And the opportunity to ride with friends on new roads was the incentive I needed to register. Those same friends helped get me through a day when I just wasn't feeling "it." That's what friends do. If you do a lot or running, riding or other silent sports you spend a lot of alone time. And I do enjoy that. Especially lately. It helps me think. Sort through problems. Relax. Some days it helps me take out my frustrations. I'm sure some of my friends and family are raising their eyebrows right about now. Yes, I am an introvert. That's likely what pushed me to do the sports I enjoy and to continue doing them. But in the end it's friends. Meeting old ones and making new ones. Some in person and some via social media. These same friends help me train and push me when I compete. But in the end it's the simple act of friendship. I may not always be the friend I should. And I'm working on that. And my friends, online or in person, need to know how special they are. I may never say that, but you are. While I was writing this I've been staring at this:

It hangs on the side of a file cabinet in my little home "office." And it's a very special note, at least to me. I'm not used to being anybody's inspiration. I do hear that on occasion and for some reason it makes me a little uncomfortable. And a little bit proud!

So, here's to friends! Old ones. New ones. In person and online.  Making new memories and reminiscing. Pushing me when I need it and pulling me too. If I tried to list all the people I’ve shared miles with on roads and trails I’d have to have a separate post! Believe me when I say you are all my "why." 

As always, thanks for checking out my random ramblings. I appreciate it. Comments, questions and suggestions are always appreciated. But keep them friendly!!

Tattoo Tuesday

 Hi! Welcome back. It’s been a few weeks since I posted an update. There hadn’t been a whole lot going on so I kept quiet. Amazing, I know! But…now that I have had time to think, here I go again. 

In my last post I wrote about receiving my Lupron injection and how I was ready to cope with the side effects. I may have been a little premature when I said they weren’t a big deal. The first week wasn’t bad. I’ve got this! Week two rolled around and I was very wrong. I had a couple days where I was sure that someone or something was trying to pull my joints apart. It was a constant and deep pain. Biofreeze was my friend. Arthritis strength Tylenol was part of my diet. For a few days I chalked the pain up to my half marathon training program. The only problem was that I was starting to taper. Mileage and effort were going down. And yet I hurt. Hurt almost to the point of tears. I hate to admit that. I like to think that I have a high pain tolerance. Maybe not quite as high as I thought. I continued running and riding, which actually helped. I finished my program with my own personal solo race. I squeezed out a 1:53:57 half marathon. Not blazing fast and just under my goal. I’ve never been good at hard all out efforts without some competition, so I was happy with the result. It didn’t hurt that Tammy rode along to help pace/push/pull me. Now that I have completed that program I have been adding more time on the bike. That has helped ease the pain a little. I’m still running because the weight bearing aspect was advised. Just not as much. Maybe it’s time to add some speed for a 5K. 

Now we come to the hot flashes. I said they were a rare occurrence. WERE. Past tense. Now they have become a bit more frequent. And intense. Looking like I just got out of the shower. Like I am sitting in front of a nice roaring fire. And then it’s gone. Sleeping has begun to be a battle of temperature regulation. Too many covers and I start to roast. Toss them off and once the hot flash has passed I freeze. Sleep quality isn’t quite optimal some nights. But I am doing my best to deal with it and not complain too much. And for any female acquaintances reading this and dealing with hot flashes and menopause, I now understand! 🥵

Now to the title of this post. I had my simulation and measurement appointment today. And I got my tattoos. A little mark on each hip and one on my pelvic area. Last post I said things were getting real. This really upped it a level or two. As soon as everything is cleared with insurance and my treatment plan is finalized radiation therapy starts. Most likely within seven to ten days. Today brought me back to reality. Somehow I keep hoping this is just a bad dream. I know it’s not. Some days I can ignore things. That’s not  a choice anymore. But I won’t let this beat me. It may slow me down for a bit. I was told that fatigue is a side effect and a very real one. So, that means I can sneak in a nap without feeling guilty. I may be a step slower or a pedal stroke behind. But I won’t quit. I’m hoping to get in a race or two. Red Granite Grinder is in a few weeks. It would be nice to enjoy some colorful miles on the backroads. Stump Farm trail races are a month away. It’s at one of my favorite courses. I may not bring my “A” game but you’re going to have to work to get by me in the single track. It looks like I’ll have time to get ready for these events. 

Well, that’s enough for now. I will post again once radiation starts. I’ll have a a little free time. You may get tired of my rambling. I hope not. It helps to put my thoughts and feelings into words. As always, thanks for reading and following along. Comments and questions are welcome. Now, I think I’ll step outside and cool off for a minute. Don’t mind me! 

Ready for another challenge

Time for an update. Not really sure where this one is going. I'm starting on a Friday morning and hoping to be done by Friday evening. In between there will be a run. Maybe a ride. Maybe working on some bikes. Not sure. It's vacation and my plans are very fluid. I'm learning to deal with that, believe me!

I'm back! Did ya miss me?

It's been a good week, more or less. The Reforestation Ramble mountain bike race I participated in last Saturday, August 15, went well. Okay, better than I thought or hoped it would. It was only my third time on the mountain bike since surgery in May. I really wasn't sure what to expect or how I'd feel. I've always done well at this course. It plays to my style. Lots of flowing single track, some two track to break it up and not a lot of climbing. I'd usually say I'm at a bit of a disadvantage with a single speed but not there. The waves were ten riders every five minutes trying to keep age groups together as much as possible. I had a decent start and hit the single track in a group of three. We pushed hard to stay ahead of any chasers. About ten minutes in the lead rider lost a bit of momentum on a rooted climb in the single track. The other rider and I kept going, again pushing hard to keep a gap. The two of us worked together for the rest of the lap and the beginning of lap two. I was biding my time and trying to plan a good place to pass. I knew if we stayed together the entire lap he would easily out sprint me at the line. I stayed on his wheel as we hit a section of ski trail and when I saw more single track coming I pushed hard for a pass. Once in the single track I pushed hard to hold that gap. I kept thinking out of sight, out of mind. I know when I lose sight of a rider in front of me I tend to ease up. And it worked! I rode most of that last half lap assuming somebody was always right on my wheel. I ended up placing third in 50-59. A result I'm pretty proud of. I felt good, raced smart, recovered well, my support team (Tammy) made the race easy and started this week feeling fresh.

Thanks Gary Smits and XTR Photo for the shot! https://www.xtrphoto.com/

  

I had a pretty decent run this morning. I'm still using the half marathon program on the Garmin Connect app. Today's workout was a fast finish run. Now remember, fast is a relative term. What's fast for one is an easy day for somebody else. After a five minute warm up I was supposed to run one hour between 9:33-10:33. Believe it or not, I struggle to go easy. I tend to wander towards the low end or quicker on days like this. Then when the pace is supposed to pick up, I struggle to go fast. I tend to run in that no man's land that isn't slow, isn't fast and doesn't produce results. My past few runs I've really tried to keep the easy parts easy. It didn't help today when my watch struggled to find GPS. It kept telling me my pace was slow. But I knew from effort that it wasn't. But then my mind spoke up and said "Hey, maybe you really are going that slow." So I was tempted to push but I knew I was somewhere in that goal pace area. It finally locked in and of course, I was heading to the low end of the pace or quicker and tending to push. I reined it in for a couple miles before the hard efforts. The workout called for ten minutes between 8:23-8:43. Of course I planned my route to hit the hills for the harder efforts. Duh! I never claimed to plan training routes very well. I stayed on pace fairly well for those ten minutes. Next up was five minutes between 7:33-7:53. That's pushing for me, especially after one hour plus on a warm day. I stayed right in the middle and cooled down heading home. A good run that for a change I was happy with. 

The ride portion of today didn't happen. Messing around with bikes, one hell of a blood sugar crash, probably due to forgetting to eat after running and a powerful urge for a nap took up most of my afternoon. Again, I'm on vacation. No plan and I followed what my body wanted today. 

Now, maybe I should explain the title of this post and that picture at the beginning. The picture is meant to be humorous. Believe me, I'm taking this all very seriously, but it's not that serious! I mentioned an appointment with a radiation oncologist in my last post. That appointment was on Wednesday, August 19. I met with Dr. Michael Ray at ThedaCare Cancer Center. It was explained that my cancer is fairly aggressive. It has spread to the seminal vesicle on the right side. Good news is that it didn't spread to lymph nodes or bones. Dr. Ray explained things simply enough that even I could understand it. How the surgery went. Why I was referred to him. All my options. Studies that backed up his plan for treatment. I had a good (or bad, not sure how you look at it) feeling going in to the appointment. And I was pretty much correct. 

Here's what I'm looking at for the near future. I'll be getting a shot or shots to shut down my production of testosterone. Since testosterone feeds the growth of prostate cancer, we need to shut it down. Once testosterone is shut down, I'll start radiation treatment. Thirty-eight straight days. Yep-38 days. The treatments themselves aren't long, Approximately ten minutes. An occasional meeting with the doctor to check on my progress. The ten minutes isn't too bad, but the forty-five minute drive to and from isn't going to get old fast. 

Side effects from the treatments don't seem bad-to me. The alternative is worse. Just my opinion.  

After all this is finished, hopefully my PSA will be zero. 0. The last reading was 0.02. Low. Almost undetectable. Almost. Somewhere there is still a trace. Microscopic. Not enough to show on any scan. But still not zero. So that is the goal. 

I'm ready for the challenge. This is certainly not what I was planning for 2020. COVID is making it a bit more interesting. But I am up for this. Bring it on. I'm not planning on slowing down just yet. I may be down a bit but I'm not out! Six weeks of radiation may put a crimp in things, but I'll adapt. That's what endurance athletes do. And I do consider myself an endurance athlete. 

Whew! I've rambled longer than usual. I'll end this with some lyrics from a song on my playlist today. It sums up how I feel and how I'm approaching this next challenge. 

As always, thanks for reading. Any questions or comments are appreciated. Get out and run, ride or hike or ......enjoy the days. 

Made For This

Carrollton

I was made for this
Mind over matter
Silence the doubters
I have the power
Oh, I was made for this
I don't give up I won't back down
Goodbye worries no time to doubt
I feel the power, I won't be afraid
Fear won't stop me, I don't break
I was made for this

VACATION!

Good morning everybody! It's a warm sunny Friday and I'm in an unusually chipper mood. Not just because it's Friday. That means nothing to me with my work schedule. The way my days off rotate Friday is usually just another day. But today, or actually yesterday, I started vacation. 25, yes twenty-five, you read that right, days away from work!

Well now, what am I going to do with all that time off? I actually have no big plans. Due to COVID-19 most of the plans I did have are altered or cancelled. No problem. Adapt and change. One day at a time. I am getting pretty good at that. 

It looks like it's going to be day trips. Visit some state parks. Do some hiking on different sections of the Ice Age Trail. Try out some different bike trails. Hopefully a day or two to just relax, unwind and de-stress. A cup of coffee, a good book, Pandora on shuffle and maybe a nap. 

Of course in that mix somewhere is at least one more medical appointment. On Wednesday, August 19 I'll be seeing a radiation oncologist for a consultation to see if treatment is warranted. I'll be honest in that I don't know what to expect. I'm not even sure what I'm hoping to happen. I certainly want some definitive answers, or at the very least some kind of "here's our best guesstimate". I would like to know the plan of attack. I know this is always a case by case situation and nothing is written in stone, but some type of answers would go a long way to ease my overactive mind. I'm definitely not a hypochondriac but some days I can't help going to those dark recesses in my brain and imagining things I'd rather not imagine. 

All this being said, I'm remaining positive. Most days. Give me a break, a day here or there of "this really sucks" attitude is not the end of the world. And it kind of keeps me being realistic. I can't bury my head in the sand and pretend everything is fine. I joke a little and try to keep smiling and I do pretty well. That's my opinion and I'm sticking to it! But, as Oscar Wilde said, "I suppose one must be serious sometimes."

I still have those days when I have a good workout and say I can't be sick. I had one of those days on my last run. I'm still sticking to my half marathon training plan from Garmin. My last run was supposed to be a long easy run. 2 hours between 9:42 to 10:42 pace. I didn't exactly stick to the plan. It was my first day of vacation so I figured I'd see what I could squeeze in those two hours. I went out harder than was called for or smart. I knew that. I wanted to see what was in the tank and how long I could hold on. I was hoping for a half marathon in that two hour time span. Fingers crossed hard. Both hands. I had one bottle of energy drink and a few energy chews. It was warm, humid and sunny by the time I started. This is starting to sound like a line from "The Blues Brothers." "I ran outta gas. I had a flat tire....." And I knew it would get ugly, probably sooner than later. Call it a learn how to suffer and finish workout. The first eight miles were under the low end goal of 9:42. Miles nine and ten were in between the goal paces. Then the wheels came off. And I mean hit a wall and rolling in to the ditch! I did the death shuffle/walk/how far to the f@¢king end. But I did get in just over two hours and hit the half marathon mark. I was pleased with the effort. My time goal for this plan is 1:54:00 which works out to about 8:45 pace. I'm not far off and I'm just over half way through my plan. If I was truly attempting a goal pace run I would be better rested, fuel and hydrated and definitely run smarter. Maybe a negative split effort. I'll pick a day when I feel unstoppable and can give it all I've got. 

I guess what I was trying to say there was how can I have cancer and still put out an effort  like that. I know it certainly isn't world class, but for an old fart like me that's a decent time. And I know there are people out there dealing with more serious types of cancer and making me look like a slacker. I guess some days it's too much for my mind to comprehend. 

Now I need a day of rest and then it's time for my first race  since March. August 15 I'm doing the Reforestation Ramble mountain bike race. It looks like two laps of ten plus miles. Rigid single speed. I'm going to have fun and maybe push a little. It looks like it could be a rainy day. That's okay. I shouldn't have any shifting or gear problems! I'm looking forward to pinning on a bib and racing. It appears the organizers are taking all the necessary precautions and working with the local authorities to make the event as safe as possible. Can't Wait!

Okay, that's enough for now. That's more blathering than usual. And my coffee is getting cold. I'll update next week with a race recap and how the appointment went. 

I appreciate all the folks following along with my disjointed rambling. It helps clear my head when I put thoughts in to words. Thanks to all of you that are keeping me in your thoughts. I appreciate it more that you know. 

As always, thoughts and comments are appreciated. Until next week....get out and run/ride/hike/just do something!

Svenofthenorth 

Every little niggle

Time for another post. A little late but it's been a busy week. Let's get down to it!

Training, if it can be called that, has been mostly good. I had one day that just kicked my butt. It was supposed to be an easy run day. But the run kicked my butt. The relaxed pace felt tough. I felt stiff and achy. Breathing was a chore. Not sure what to blame it on. Weather? It was a little humid out, but not overly warm. Work? Maybe but I had a couple easy days at work so that's probably not a good excuse. Maybe the previous workout? I did speed (using that term very loosely here) intervals the day before. Tough workout but not hands on your knees puking at the end tough. Hmmm..... maybe just a tough day? Nah, that can't be it.

That's where this title arose. Every little ache, pain, odd feeling was in the back of my mind. Now what? What does this mean? What effing next?

This is what happens when I'm running or riding solo and let my mind wander unsupervised. 

And I really had no reason to let my mind go to those dark places. I actually have had a bunch of good runs and rides. The half marathon training plan I'm trying to follow is going well. I generally hit the paces I'm I need. A few have felt really good. I'm starting to get a few longer runs and they have felt good. The last one was at the low end of the pace it called for and it felt decent. I had a couple of rides that felt good. I had one windy ride that felt good even going in to the wind. I'm getting comfortable on the bike again. Almost ready to spend more time in the saddle and ramp up the miles. Maybe even a fall event, if any are still scheduled!

So why the nervous Nellie attitude? Here's my uneducated guess.

Things are going good. Some days too good. Feeling almost back to my old self. But.......Monday I have my first post-surgery PSA blood test. Of course I'm a little nervous. All the what ifs are popping up. What if the number is high? What if it shows cancer may still be present? Then I wait a couple of weeks for my 3 month follow up visit. What will that bring? The doctor has already mentioned the possibility of radiation and/or hormone treatments. If that is the case, what are the side effects? How will I feel? Does this put me back to square one? Will I miss more work? More medical bills? What next????

Now, I know a few people I know are going to spit up their morning coffee when I say, "this isn't my general attitude". I'm usually upbeat. Maybe a little cynical and I will admit I have my dark days, but I am trying to be positive throughout this. But the niggles are popping up. If you do any training and racing, you know the niggles. 

They pop up during your taper. Every little ache and pain is the end of the world. All that hard work down the drain. That stone in your shoe suddenly becomes plantar fasciitits. An achy knee turns to a torn ACL. 

This is how I'm feeling. A little ache in the back is some rare disease. A tough day breathing in the heat and humidity are those "multiple small pulmonary nodules" that are "nonspecific and may be incidental" becoming something specific. 

It helps that I know I'm not alone in going down the dark road. I've been reading other posts from people dealing with cancer. When that next check up/test/exam is drawing near they get nervous. And maybe a little scared and angry. That's where I am right now. Uncertain, unsure and a bit in the dark. 

It also helps to know I've got a great team behind me. Family. Friends. Medical professionals. I know I'm in good hands. And that I'm ready to deal with whatever comes next. Whatever "that" is, I'm ready. I'm not down yet. I'll stay positive. I've got a hell of a lot of fight left in me, if it comes to that. Until then, one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. One pedal stroke at a time. 

Thanks for reading this and following along. As always, comments, questions and general observations are welcome. I hope everyone is doing well in these crazy times. Until next time......keep putting in those miles. No matter what. No matter the excuses. No matter the niggles!

 

Coming to grips with it

Back for another post. This will probably be more random ramblings than update. I haven't quite decided where this is going. We'll see where my generally confused mind takes me!

First, this isn't going to be a post about what the title appears to suggest. It won't be about dealing with any health issues. I haven't had any follow up visits yet so it's steady as she goes right now.

This is about dealing with getting older and slowing down. I may have addressed this in a past post but if I have I need to do it again. Sorry.

I guess this has been rolling around in my mind since I got back on the bike at the end of June. I knew the first few rides would be slow. I was testing out how I felt. Checking to see if anything hurt. Making sure I wasn't doing any damage. The rides were mostly easy. I'll admit I pushed a few times each ride, just to see if I could and enjoy a little speed and pain. I put in 76 miles the week ending July 5 and 83 miles for the week ending July 12. That may seem like a big jump from 0 miles. Again, very easy. Usually 30ish miles or less. I was a bit tight and sore after a couple rides but that's just getting back my bike muscles. What kept rumbling around in my head was how quickly I tired when I did push the effort up a notch or two. My legs tired faster than normal. It felt like I was trying to breathe through a straw. I don't think the tingling sensation and black spots in my vision were normal either. Just kidding-maybe!? 

My last ride was a nice loop over to Weyauwega. I hit some roads I haven't been down before. I always wondered where they went and it seemed like a good day to explore. I put in a good effort a couple times but again I ran out of steam so fast. When I hit Weyauwega and the headwind back to Waupaca I was beat. My head was down, shoulders slumped and I felt defeated.

I had a run earlier in the week that left me feeling the same way. It was a 5 mile progression run. Easy warm up. 20 minutes at 9:42-10:42 pace. No problem. The pace was towards the quick end of that range. I felt good. Then it was 10 minutes at 7:42-8:02 pace. Whoa! Who tossed out the anchor. It just wasn't there! I managed low 8's but nowhere near what the plan called for. Now, maybe speed work repeats the day before in the heat weren't wise, but again, that's what the plan called for. And they felt good. Fast and comfortable leg turnover. Decent recovery between efforts. I got back from that progression run feeling down and really beating myself up inside. 

A few days rest and rumination and I'm feeling better about myself and my fitness. Not 100% pleased but "coming to grips with it"! I realize and I'm trying to accept that I'm not 40 anymore. Or even 50. Days of constant shift work, training and racing on the weekend are long past. Knowing with confidence that I can hit all the marks in my training are long gone. Lining up at a local race and knowing I'm prepared and strong are memories. 

Now, before everyone chimes in, I'm not looking for pity. I know I'm lucky. I am still able to put one foot in front of the other and toss a leg over my bikes. And I'm am beyond grateful for that. Not everyone who wants that is able to do that. I was living in the past for a few days. Not exactly glory days but better days. 

Okay, enough whining. My solution is to enjoy every mile. Some may not be what I want or expect, but they will all be appreciated. Solo miles. Miles with friends. Easy days and competition. At the end of the day every turn of the pedal and every foot fall. It's a better option than sulking on the couch and wishing for tailwinds and sunny days. My days of PR's and KOM's are mostly done. My days of getting outside and enjoying new backroads and fresh trails are not over. 

All right, enough bitching for today. I'm enjoying a rare unplanned day off. I'm waiting for the rain to end and the skies to clear. The plan calls for strides today. And they'll get done. I'm not going to dwell on paces. It is what it is. That may be cliche, but it's true. I'm not a professional and nothing is hinging on my workout. If the legs feel good I may even sneak out for a little ride. And I'll enjoy every mile. Trust me!

As always, thanks for reading. I welcome comments, good or bad! Until next week....smile and enjoy the miles for what they are!

Week six and lofty goals

Back for another recovery update. I'm hoping that soon I can leave the word "recovery" out of these posts and just ramble on about training, goals and life in general, but I think that may be a while. My criteria for omitting that word is probably when I'm given a 100% cancer free diagnosis and when I'm back to "normal" life and training. At least what's normal for me.
The week of June 8-14 went much better than the previous week. I restarted slowly and really paid attention to heart rate. I slowed my running pace and just tried to relax. It doesn't make sense to keep pushing every day only to get further behind. I do believe one barrier to my training since returning to work is my schedule. After 35 plus years of rotating shift work I was lucky enough to get a day position about 3 years ago. Still 7 days in between a day off, but 7 a.m. to 3 p.m. Three plus years of that when I took my little sabbatical. When I returned it was to 3 p.m. to 11 p.m shift. Construction and rebuilds/updates where I work necessitated the change. That means I don't get home until around midnight. A little down time before bed and next thing I know it's pushing 1 or 2 a.m. But, my body still thinks it should be up by 5 a.m. I'm happy sleeping until 7 a.m. If I do sleep in that pretty much screws up my day, leaving no time for a run and getting things done around the house. I feel like I'm constantly running on a half tank. But, I'm trying my best to adjust. I worked worse schedules for years and this is only temporary.

As for the lofty goal in the title, I'm almost afraid to say anything in advance on the off chance I somehow jinx myself. But.....a couple days ago I registered for a virtual run. https://ultrasignup.com/register.aspx?did=77584 It's a virtual version of a run I did last year about this same time. Titletown Ultra Series. Last year I did the 8 hour event with my friend Rachel. I think we managed to pick the hottest day of the year. But we stuck it out, took our time and enjoyed the miles. Like almost everything else, this year's event was cancelled. It is being replaced with a virtual run. There are multiple options for time and I opted for 5 hours. I figured what the hell! What's the worst that can happen? I fail and can't run for 5 hours? Maybe. On the other hand, I relax, enjoy a few loops through town and kick my training in the butt. I know I didn't give myself much time to get ready for this, but that's okay too. I registered on June 15 and plan on running on June 18. I haven't had time to obsess and overthink things. I don't have big goals for distance. I just want to last the whole 5 hours. I have a 4.75 mile loop planned from my home. That gives me a chance to refuel, regroup and rest if necessary. Once I press start on my watch I can't stop it until I'm done. No pressing pause. Since I don't have goals other than finishing I'm not worried. And just like last year, the weather is supposed to be steamy. Mid 80's and sunny. The plan is to start around 7 a.m. and be done by noon. That depends on what kind of night I have at work and how rested I am. I have the day off so the time schedule is fluid but I'd like to beat the heat if I can. If you're in my area and see me slogging along give a honk and a wave. And maybe leave a beer on my doorstep!

Well, that's about all I have for this week. If you are interested to see how I do on the run, I'm sure I'll post something on the Book of Faces and Instagram. And I'll fill in all the details next week on here. 

As always, thanks for following along. Comments, questions and suggestions are always welcome. 

#AlteredReality #LapItUp #Titletownultra

Full moon rides and trying to catch my breath

Time for another update. A day or two late, but I have a legitimate excuse. I'm back at work. As of Tuesday, June 2nd. Four weeks of lolling around the house. Trying to stay busy. Trying not to dwell on the negative. Trying to not feel sorry for myself. I think I'm doing well at all of the above. That's not to say that I don't have the occasional shitty day. But they have been pretty rare. Feel free to ask my better half, Tammy. She's brutally honest and generally won't tolerate my bad moods. 

Where was I? Oh yeah. Back to work. 100% cleared to return. No restrictions. Of course I picked the hottest and most humid day of the year to date to return. Mid 90's and air so thick you could cut it. For those of you that don't know me well, I work in a central Wisconsin paper mill. Blue collar. Manual labor. That generally means hot and humid weather is even worse at work. No air movement. Limited time in air conditioned areas. I think I did pretty good. Lots of water. Made sure not to overdo it. So far so good. 

On my drive home tonight after my 3-11 shift I had plenty of time to think. Beautiful night. Mid 60's. A few clouds and a bright, almost full moon. Normally, I would have been on the bike enjoying the picture perfect conditions.I really enjoy my bike commute on a night like this. Usually the wildlife is a bit more active. If the moon is bright enough I'll turn of my lights for a bit and just enjoy the moonlight. But not tonight. No riding for 12 weeks!! At least that's what the doctor is advising. And as much as it hurts, I'm listening. Not that I won't start considering sneaking in a ride after another month, but so far I'm behaving. 

That means I'm slowly, key word slowly, becoming a runner again. And that's tougher than I thought it would be. I knew after 3ish weeks of limited activity it would be a gradual comeback. But man, I honestly wasn't prepared for this. I know that fitness declines faster that it is recovered. But again, I just didn't know how much I had lost and how much I would struggle. I started with some easy walking. I gradually added in some walk/run intervals. Slow, but it was running. Tammy and I headed out to the Tomorrow Rive State Trail a couple times. We'd start with a nice brisk walk and after a mile I'd take off and head out for a couple miles of running. Tammy would turn around after a couple miles and I'd try to catch her. Normally it wouldn't take me long. The last time we did this, I really struggled to reel her in. I pushed and just couldn't make headway. If she hadn't slowed I probably wouldn't have caught her. A little frustrating but she admitted she was pushing the pace herself. Okay, I can deal with that. 

Monday of this week we did a similar workout with a little less of a head start for Tammy. I pushed fairly hard and caught her quicker than I figured I would. Tuesday was a short run in the heat and humidity before work. I kept the pace light but my heart rate was higher than what it would normally be at that pace. Chalk it up to the weather? Wednesday was a bit cooler so I added a little mileage compared to Tuesday. And I really struggled. I felt slow, sluggish and fuzzy.  High heart rate again.Catching my breath was difficult. Even while doing yoga and a bit of mediating afterwards I felt winded.  

I don't want this to sound like I'm complaining, at least not too much! I realize one person's slow is another one's race pace. I just am having more trouble dealing with recovery than I ever imagined I would. I apparently need to work on my patience. That means I'm going to back off a bit and ease up. Maybe come up with a walk/run interval and work on improving that way. And realizing that rest is a part of training and recovery. A day off won't kill me, right?

That's where I am now. Hopefully the next update will be a little more positive. 

As usual, comments, criticism and questions are welcome. And maybe a few training tips!

Thanks for reading. Until next week, get out there and enjoy the summer. Add a few miles on your next run or ride for me!

No surgery is good news? Right? I hope!

Well, I see it been a while since I have posted. Time for the inevitably long winded update. I hope it's not too blustery!
I'll start out by saying my cycling and running season didn't go quite as expected. I healed well from my hernia surgery. Glad that's behind me. I made the decision to put off any surgery on my aching and decrepit hip until fall. So, now that fall is here.....
I had a follow up with my friendly and helpful orthopedic specialist a couple weeks ago. I was to the point where it was starting to become a bit more of an issue. Waking me up at night, aching more throughout the day. He scheduled another MRI to see what changes, if any, occurred since January. There seemed to be some concern with being able to reattach my labrum due to another hip issue. The results were in and - drum roll please - they weren't what I expected. No surgery! Now, this isn't because I had miraculously healed myself in the preceding months. Apparently if that was the case, I'd be some kind of medical anomaly. No such luck. It seems there is a small cyst on my hip. Right where the labrum would be reattached. And drilling and reattaching there would be like drilling in to a cave. It seems there is nothing there due to some arthritis and erosion from joint fluid passing through the weak spot. Now remember, I am not a medical professional. Pretty sure I don't even sound like one. Just attempting to reiterate what I was told. The doctor told me he couldn't operate on me in good conscience. It most likely wouldn't improve things. I would probably be back in six months asking him why he put me through all the pain, rehab, surgery and down time for no noticeable improvement. 
So, again, not sure this was what I expected. I had built myself up to the expectation of surgery, rehab, maybe six months of limited activity and a slow build up to get back to normal. Whatever that might be.
Am I relieved? To be honest, a little bit. I know I'm not a good patient and I'm not very patient. I know rehab would have been a pain and I'd probably have been tempted to push a little more than was wise. I didn't look forward to a relatively inactive down time. But I was prepared to do what was necessary.
Now what. Work on my flexibility. Strengthen the core as much as possible. Add some strength through weigh work (high reps and lighter weights). Add some yoga. Modify my activities to what my body can handle. Learn my limits. It might mean cutting way back on the running but that hasn't been determined yet. Cortisone shot(s) are an option if needed, but I'm holding out on that. Maybe come spring/summer when it's time to start pushing and ignoring those limits.
One thing for certain is that I'm not down for the count. Not even close. Maybe instead of trying to get what little speed I had back, I need to work on my endurance.
I am looking forward to a winter on the Fatboy. I picked it up this fall and I'm having a blast. I like it enough that it could be my go to race bike. I like it enough that I sold my full suspension 29er. I just completed my first race on it and had a blast. I love how the big tires carve through the single track. It gives me an amazing sense of confidence. Now for some snow!
Well, that's where I am. As always, thanks for reading this. I appreciate any comments, suggestions and feedback.
Hope to see you on the roads and trails! Happy miles!
Svenofthenorth

And there it was! Gone!

Not exactly sure where this post will go. It's starting (before editing) as a kind of an early year end recap. Maybe a preview of 2015 goals. Or maybe it will just end up as a rambling post as I try to sort things out.
This hasn't been the year I had planned on about this time in 2013. Not to brag, but I think I had an awesome 2013. I ran more than I ever had, farther than I ever had, spent a little time on the bike, and most important, I had a blast! I really, truly enjoyed the miles. I felt amazing, unstoppable. And then......
Wham!! 2014 showed up and kicked my ass. First I chalked it up to getting older. Not making excuses. Just finally showing my age and not being so much a genetic freak, as I have been labeled. I felt slow and lethargic. I started out the year on the cross country skis. I had a couple good days on the skis. Sunshine, effortless glide and the uphills seemed easy. Okay, not easy, but they didn't seem too bad. But they were few and far between. The Birkie kicked my butt, but I wasn't the only one who felt that way. Mother Nature had something to do with that. So I wasn't too concerned.
I hit the road for some running miles in anticipation of a big summer of running. My goal had been a marathon or ultra every month from May to October. Maybe a bit ambitious, but I felt it was achievable. First up was the Ice Age 50K. That didn't go well. If you're interested, you can read about that in a previous post.
So, I readjusted and reevaluated. I scaled back my plans and goals. Maybe a change of scenery would help. So I gave the running shoes a bit of a rest and put some miles on the bike. Lots of miles compared to 2013. Lots of commuting miles. Some really good recreational rides with some great people. Thanks Todd!! I did a 12 hour mountain bike relay and had a blast. Thanks, Wanda! And the summer started looking better than the spring.
I even listened to some wise and sage advice and saw my family physician for a physical. I mentioned all my little aches, pains and fatigue. . I think it helped that he is also a runner (and a damn good one too). He didn't just tell me to rest and take it easy. He understood my concerns. Blood was drawn,  x rays were taken and tests were run. I got some answers. After a short round of some icky medicine, I started to feel better. Finally!!
I had a good month or so at the end of summer.I ran a few late summer/early fall races. Felt good. Not fast, but I was okay with that. Had fun. That's the main thing. I felt like I was getting my mojo back. My motivation was returning.
And there it was-gone! As quick as it seemed to return, it's stay was fleeting and I feel like I'm back to square one. The aches and tiredness are back, with a vengeance I might add. My back has been so sore it hurt to even think of running. I tried a bike commute on my last 3-11 shift. A beautiful autumn day that was perfect for an easy to and from work ride. I paid for that most of this week. I could barely move on Monday. A week of  rest and I'm feeling better. I have even tossed some yoga in to the mix to stretch the back and hips and try to add some flexibility. Maybe it's working? I'll see. I'm trying to be patient, but I've never been good at that. 
Maybe work has/had something to do with this rut. I've been working long stretches without days off. A few stints of three plus weeks without a day off coupled with shift work really seemed to take the wind out of my sails. 
I hope this doesn't sound like I'm whining or complaining. I guess this is just my way of trying to make sense and sort things out. And elicit some possible solutions. As with patience, I've never been good at taking or listening to advice, but I'm ready now. I'm not happy with who I am right now or where I am. I realize I need to make some changes, but I'm not exactly sure what or how. The one thing I do know is that things will get better. Of this I am certain!
As always, thanks for tolerating this rambling post. 

A short rest, and back at it

Definition of REST

1

:  repose, sleep; specifically :  a bodily state characterized by minimal functional and metabolic activities

2

a :  freedom from activity or labor

b :  a state of motionlessness or inactivity

(From http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rest)

Or, another definition: something I'm good at ignoring. I'm great at squeezing in a quick 3 miler between quick changes at work and 2 or 3 hours sleep. It's something I've learned working shift work for 30+ years. Getting in a workout regardless of how I feel, whether I really need to or not. There's a key word in that last sentence-WORKOUT. That's how things were feeling lately. All work, no play. And admittedly self-induced. So some rest was in order. 

I can't honestly remember the last time I took a break this long-two weeks. Maybe never? Maybe a day or two. Injured, tired, extra work hours, .... you name it, I got in my workout. And 99% of the time I enjoyed it. Maybe not loved every one, especially when it was a tough one and my heart wasn't in it. But I got it done. That's how I work, and it's always worked for me-until recently. 

I could feel it coming on in subtle hints. Leading up to the Birkie, skiing was more of a chore than fun. The brutal cold and wind made some outings on the trail almost painful. The thought of heading to the basement to wax skis kept being pushed to the back of my mind. I did have a few amazing days on the snow. They kept the fire stoked, but barely. Running wasn't much better. The same cold, wind and snow made running a chore instead of a joy. Fighting the snow covered roads, unshoveled sidewalks and short days was a battle. Even a couple spins on the bike on the trainer felt forced. Everything hurt. My mood sucked. Always tired. I just didn't have IT, whatever IT is. As Austin Powers said, "I've lost my mojo!"

I slogged through the Birkie in my slowest time. Okay, Ma Nature and a foot of fresh snow may have had something to do with that.  The Point Bock 5 mile run a week later was a repeat. Slow, no fun, forced. Another week of almost dreading my workout and my body finally said "ENOUGH!" Factor in 23 days at work without a day off. Body and mind had had enough, or maybe too much.

The rest felt good. No worries about what to run today. Which wax to put on the skis. Should I do some intervals on the bike? Just rest. Read a book. Listen to some music. Try to catch up on some sleep. Deep down I had thoughts that maybe it was a permanent break. I though long and hard about deferring my upcoming 50K. The rest really did feel good. 

Then a couple questions from people somehow knocked me out of my funk. My long weekend off at work was coming up. Three, count 'em, three days off!! I was talking to my Mother and she asked what I had planned. Run? Bike? A co-worker asked the same thing. What was I doing with my time off. Some miles around town? I realized that for good or bad, I'm the guy who is out doing something, anything. It's who I am, for better or worse. I guess it's how you define me.

I slept a few hours after my 11-7 shift to start my long weekend. That's normal. I hate to sleep away my day off and it helps get my body get used to a few normal days of sleep/awake cycle. A few chores and then I hit the road for a run. Beautiful sunshine, brisk wind and cold, for March weather. A nice long run to ease out the kinks and stretch the legs. In hindsight, maybe a bit too long, but I knew I'd be a little sore. And I had fun. I enjoyed the sun on my face, the wind fighting me at times and then letting me sail when it was at my back. And I knew I was back. I'm looking forward to another run after this is finished. Not sure where, or how far. Maybe even a double today-some easy miles with my better half after she gets done with work. 

If anything good came out of this break, it's that I've learned that I'm not the guy I was 10 or 20 years ago, or even last year. Life is busy and hectic. Take it one day at a time. Have fun, and if it's not fun, try something else. Take a day or two off occasionally. My silent sports endeavors may define who I am, but they're not all that I am.

So, I'm back. I've got some events planned. I'm not even going to call them races. I'm my only competition this year. I can't wait to hit the trails, when and if the snow melts. I can't wait to take a long bike ride on a hot and windless day this summer. 

Follow along. This could be an interesting year. Thanks for letting my ramble and vent!

Sven of the North