Listen up boy!!

Welcome back!

When I began this post I felt the need to do a little more mental purging. Not sure why. Maybe the craptastic weather - mid 30's and 35 mph wind gusts. Apparently I'm not as hardy as I imagine myself to be. So instead of putting on my big boy pants and venturing outside, I began to empty my mind. 

After my post about acceptance I have realized I'm not doing very well on that front. I'm a little hard of hearing. And I've been told I'm a bit stubborn. I need to listen to what my body is trying to tell me. I'm trying but most days I am having a hard time accepting that I can't keep up. That I can't hit my goal paces. That I can't ride or run the distance I would like. 

I know that I need to relax. Believe me, multiple people remind almost every day that my body is fighting and trying to heal. And I know that. It seems that my mind doesn't want to listen to my body. 

It's a battle I've been fighting as long as I can recall. I've lined up on the start line of a 40 mile mountain bike race after being told I should be under bed rest for back spasms. I started a cross country ski race with a fever up around 101°F. I've apparently broken and cracked bones and continued riding, running and working out (that's what my latest bone scan showed.) I guess I don't listen well!

Lately the weather is my biggest enemy. In central Wisconsin the weather has been very fall-like. Except for a few nice days in the 70's it has been cold and windy. Most days not enough to keep me inside but enough to make riding or running, shall we say, interesting. I generally try and head out in to the wind. And try to just go easy and not let Mother Nature get me down. I've had two rides recently where I didn't do well on that front. The headwinds frustrated me. Pissed me off. I almost let it defeat me. I kept looking down at my Garmin and seeing my speed. WTF! That can't be right! A little uphill and a headwind and I'm almost down to single digits. And there's nothing more in the tank. 

My Thursday ride and Friday run last week were perfect examples of my stubbornness and difficulty realizing that I'm not pre-radiation Dustin. I probably put in more miles than was wise on Thursday. The wind on my way out to Saxeville seemed to suck the energy out of my legs. I got home and admitted to Tammy that I almost gave up. I wanted to walk up a hill on Long Lake Road I would normally power up. I damn near got out my phone and called for a ride home. I seriously wanted to quit. That has never happened before. My run Friday was no better. I tried, key word tried to do my 5K scheduled workout. It called for a 10 minute warmup, 1.5 mile time trial and 10 minute cool down. All I can say is that it was very humbling. I'll admit it was a pretty good uphill run on the Wau-King trail heading up to the High School. Still.....my little time trial felt ridiculously hard. It felt like race pace. I won't even add the pace. My heart rate was higher than it should have been for the pace. By the time I went for a ride Saturday I was depressed and beaten. Another headwind. I did my best to relax and not look at my speed. I will admit I did better than I thought I would. I kept telling myself it's just a damn ride! Be glad you're out riding! Once I got the wind behind me I actually enjoyed the ride. I didn't feel better. Any hard effort was immediately rewarded with an instant loss of energy. The remainder of Saturday was spent on the couch napping while my body tried to recover. 

This week hasn't been much better on the listening front. I did a virtual duathlon on Thursday. I couldn't believe how slow and clumsy I felt both riding and running. Today, Friday I went for a little road ride. I know I probably shouldn't have but......again, I struggled with the wind. And felt horrible. Depressed. Demoralized. Actually angry with myself. I tried to relax and just spin. It worked a bit but then I'd look down and see single digits as I went up hill. Deep down my brain just won't let my body relax. I have some ideas as to why, but I'll bore you with that at another time!

My goal for the next week is to listen to my body. Really listen. And then take what my body will allow for that day. If it says "relax, rest and nap" then I will do that. If it says "let's go really easy today and just enjoy" I will do that. I'm going to pay attention and finally listen. I know I need to rest, recover and heal but that doesn't mean total inactivity. I need to listen and find that fine line to balance my days. I need to listen when my body wants to call it quits and then decide if it really has had enough or if I'm just being a big weanie! 

Just so it doesn't seem like all I do is whine, I am listening! I rode Tuesday, November 17. And it truly wasn't a good day. Instead of packing it in I relaxed and worked on flowing through the local single track. It didn't pay to push because I didn't have any push in me. So I guess I can be taught! Baby steps. 

Wish me luck!!

As always, thank you for following this endless stream of babbling, whining and purging. It helps me cope in a weird kind of way! Comments, questions and pleas to just shut up are always welcome!

Svenofthenorth