Acceptance

 

Acceptance. According to Merriam-Webster :  the act of accepting something or someone. Apparently I have an issue with this word. And I just came to this realization. Maybe I should also look up stubborn. Or pig-headed. 

Why the sudden eye opening? Well…I’ll try to keep this short. I promise. 

I went for a run this morning. After another day of radiation therapy. I wasn’t going to run. Honest. But I couldn’t waste the day. Sunshine. A little breeze. Somewhere around 70 degrees. In November! I had to do something, right? You understand, right?

I stopped in Medina at the Wiouwash State Trail. It is a rail trail, built on a former rail corridor. Generally straight as an arrow. Little elevation change. Gravel and dirt so it’s easy on the body. I haven’t been keeping up with the 5K program that I started after my half marathon plan completion. Today was supposed to be an easy day. Pace 9:33-10:33. Perfect conditions and course, right? 

Well, I won’t say it was a total fail, but it wasn’t a bona fide success either. I started easy and felt good. Better than I have in a while. I felt comfortable. Nothing hurt. Form felt good. The first couple miles went by smoothly. I started feeling “off” about the time I turned around. I stopped once to get a rock out of my shoe, at least that’s my excuse. I kept looking at my watch. For me that’s a sign I’m tired. The last two miles were a slog. I finished seven tough miles. I know that what’s fast for some is slow for others. But I felt slow. At the end of September I ran a half marathon with an average pace of 8:47. A week or so later I popped off my fastest 5K in years at a 7:37 pace. Suffice it to say today was nowhere near either of those. And felt so much harder. 

On my ride home the notion of acceptance crept in. I do realize I’m training, if that’s even the correct word, under unique circumstances. I need to accept that. Accept that I can still run. I can still ride. Still hike. Still enjoy the outdoors. I need to accept that my body isn’t at 100 per cent. I need to accept, adapt and listen to my body. Some days are good. Some days are not so good. And some days are a total shit show. I need to remember that rest is part of training. I need to learn to allow myself to beat this, heal and get healthy. I need to accept that I will have bad days but better days are ahead. I need to accept that I can’t keep comparing latter day Sven to today’s Sven. Or comparing myself to others. Trust me, I am trying. To my close friends and family, I will do my best to quit complaining and be happy with what my body will give day to day. 

Even after this revelation some days this concept is easier for me to deal with than others. This past Sunday was a perfect example. I had planned to ride with some friends at Standing Rock County Park. It was an amazing fall day. Sunny. Mid 70’s. Perfect day for some single track. But…Saturday night was a mess. Little sleep, and what sleep I did get was interrupted by hot flashes. I finally gave up around 4:30 a.m. Exhausted and disgusted. I knew that riding would be a bad decision. So I didn’t. And that bothered me. I thought maybe some fresh air and yard work would invigorate me. The fresh air felt good but didn’t help. Tammy and I were supposed to ride with Todd and Suzanne in the afternoon. And again, no ride. Twice in one day. By the end of the day I was done. Physically, emotionally and mentally. 

Monday was better. Tammy and I did a little walk after radiation. I got in a road ride in the afternoon. Even a flat tire couldn’t ruin my day or mood. I accepted what my body wanted to hand me and didn’t push past that. Tomorrow? Who knows. But I will do my best to accept it. 

Hopefully all of you can accept me. Good days, bad days and in between. I am trying!

Thanks for reading. As always, comments and questions are welcome. 

Svenofthenorth