I'm still here. You can't get rid of me that easily!

Hey! Remember me? It's been a while, hasn't it? Of course, you know what that means, right? I've got a lot on my mind and lots to say! 

2021 didn't turn out quite like I planned. I had high hopes and big plans. I am not really complaining. Much. It's just that I had planned for different (read better) results. I had some good days. Some less than stellar days. I had a few good races. A few I'd really like to forget. 

As much as I try not to, I keep comparing myself and my results to past years. I do realize I'm getting older. I do know I've been through a rough couple of years. My body keeps reminding me of these facts. My brain doesn't listen well to these facts. A few crappy workouts or a less than stellar race result can really bring me down for a few days. On the opposite end, a good day starts to buoy my hope. I need to be happy that I can still do the things I love. And still do them relatively well. I am going to try and separate pre-2020 Svenofthenorth from post-2020. Life, age and especially cancer affects every person differently. I'm a case study of one, and in reality, I'm doing pretty damn good. Now, if my mind will just accept that fact!

On to 2022. Plans are still very much up in the air. Work is still the biggest issue for making long term plans. Days off are never guaranteed. I usually don't know until the week in advance if my time off will be granted. 2022 may be even more difficult. The company I work for has the same issues as most others. Lack of workers. This is causing massive amounts of overtime. 12 hour shifts. Lack of relief leading to time off being denied. Add in people quitting and retiring and it doesn't look like it will get better soon. Taking all that in to account I think my competitive plans will be very fluid this year. Adapt and go with the flow. Fingers crossed. I am registered for three events at this time. I ran the Point Bock 5 mile run on March 5. This is a tradition for me. I've missed it once since 2003. No PR's this year. I ran this year with friends. Conversational pace. I appreciated the company and the lack of pressure to put up a certain time.  The Ice Age Trail half marathon on May 14. That is still very iffy. Not sure what my body is up to. I know I can always shuffle/walk my way through but I'm not sure that's what I want to do. I know I'm not going to set any PR's but I still want to enjoy the day. And be able to walk the next day. And again it's dependent on time off. At this point it honestly looks like I'm going to pass this year. A couple of days running and the pain is at a level that makes every day life unbearable. The event I'm really looking forward to is Marji Gesik. September 17. I've been hearing wonderful (horror) stories about this for a couple of years. I tried my damnedest to get in when registration opened in October of 2021. It filled in minutes. While I was checking out. Missed it by that much. Oh well, next year. Then I received a Christmas gift(?) from a great friend and riding buddy(?). "Guess what? I pulled some strings and got you in." This race had a DNF rate of 70% in 2017. What the hell am I in for??? My goal is to finish and not die. I'm not even going to say finish injury free. JUST FINISH! I blame Todd! 

One plus to all the work days is the opportunity to get back to regular bike commutes. 2020 was a big fat goose egg. 2021 wasn't much better. 20 trips by bike. I really don't have any excuse for not doing this. I'm usually awake at dark:thirty a.m. I just need to be organized. Pack clothes the night before. Have my lunch ready. Bike in the car. I'll be bold and put it out there that I'm aiming for 50 commutes. Once the roads are safe and clear I can start. Hopefully soon.

My biggest goal this year is to get back to some version of "normal." I'm not yet sure what constitutes normal. Maybe just feeling good. Energized. Less pain and stress free. Truly enjoying life again. Having fun. Sounds like a great goal. An attainable goal. A goal over which I have complete control. 

My main reason for this post is to celebrate my cancerversary. Two years since my biopsy results. February 28, 2020. Two years since my life and Tammy's life changed forever. It's definitely changed me. Some for the good. And I can't lie. Some for the bad. And I won't lie by saying I wouldn't change things. I haven't honestly had it as bad as some while dealing with cancer. It has made me stronger. I try so hard to appreciate every day. I've met some amazing people. Become part of some incredible groups. I have some special friends who stood by Tammy and me every step of the journey. Family has had my back from day one. I am so grateful for all of that. But....I would gladly go back and change things if I could. But I can't. Add in another PSA test with an undetectable result. I consider that one year of cancer-free results. 2022 is starting off well.  So, one day at a time. I hope you will ride/run/??? today a little harder for me and everyone dealing with cancer. Maybe raise an adult beverage tonight and say "FUCK CANCER" for me. If you have a minute I'd appreciate if you would check out this link - https://my.crowdchange.co/k6ydj7  I know many of you have donated and I can not thank you enough. 

More later. Really. I'll be back! As always, again. FUCK CANCER! 

Just a speed bump

 

Here I go again. Just as I was gaining back some lost fitness and looking forward to possibly having a somewhat normal race season, I have hit a bit of a speed bump. It may knock me back a step or two but I'm definitely not down. If cancer hasn't kicked my ass this really is just a temporary setback. 

On April 30th I had carpal tunnel surgery and tendon release on both hands. I've been dealing with it since last fall. Actually I've probably had it for years but it finally got bad enough that I couldn't ignore it any longer. The numbness in my fingertips was getting annoying. Worse was a finger and both thumbs that would lock up. Add in the loss of grip strength and some pain and it was time to get it corrected. I really knew it was time when I did a mountain bike ride last week. With gears!! And I couldn't shift the front derailleur due to pain and the loss of strength. A road ride a few days later really helped make my decision easier as every rough spot got my attention. 

I had surgery at Wisconsin Hand to Shoulder Center of Wisconsin/Woodlands Surgery. I was pretty nervous going in. With all the medical visits I've had in the last year I get a little bit on edge. I think that's a reasonable reaction. In hindsight I had no reason to be anxious. I had a great experience from check-in to post-op instructions. My physician, Dr. Blake Hildahl and his team were great. In my mind it helps that Dr. Hildahl is an active person. During surgery we talked about riding, running, triathlons and the Birkie. He knows my activity level and wants me to be able to return to "normal" activity as soon as possible. 

And what you read above is correct. We talked during surgery. I chose to have the operation done under local anesthesia. It was less hassle for me and the surgical team. No special instructions the day before. No special diet. No pre-op physical. Ten minutes after surgery was finished I was in the car headed home. It was a rather odd sensation knowing that my hands were being cut and operated on. I could feel some tugging but that was about it. Dr. Hildahl explained what he was doing during the operation and I even got to see how my tendons work!! The entire team was exemplary. I was never worried or uncomfortable. I was as relaxed as you can be while being awake and being operated on. I could smell fresh coffee brewing when they wheeled me back to recovery. I remarked how it smelled so good.  I had a slight headache from lack of caffeine and was craving something. "Would you like a cup? Or a Coke?" Next think I knew I was trying to drink a cold Coke through a straw. Trying being the key word. At this point I knew I was going to be a little bit hand-icapped for a few days. 

Recovery is going very well two days out. My hands are still a bit stiff and sore. At this point about ninety percent of the numbness and tingling is gone. I feel I have a little bit more grip strength just due to my thumbs not clicking and trying to lock up. The finger is still sore and stiff but I'm hoping with time and movement it will loosen up. Time will tell how successful the procedures are but I am very optimistic. I had reservations going in to all this but as of now I'm happy with the decision that I made. And I recommend Hand to Shoulder Center of Wisconsin/Woodland Surgery Center and Dr. Hildahl very highly. 

Now it's time for another recovery. I'm hopeful I can get back to running in a day or two. Trail running may be off the table for a bit due to my clumsiness and aptness to do a Superman quite often. Getting back on the bike may take a bit more time. It will be a case of how much pain can I tolerate. Again I'm guessing that laps on the local single track may be a few weeks away. But we'll see...... I get a couple weeks off work to recover and "rest." If I can't do anything else I'll be doing plenty of walking and hiking. 

That's where I am now. I'm hoping to salvage some sort of racing season but that is still up in the air. I have another PSA test and visit with my oncologist in mid-June. No worries until then! 

As always, thanks for following this crazy journey. Hopefully they'll get back to training and racing blogs soon. Comments and questions are welcome. If you are interested in making a donation I'd appreciate it if you check out my fundraising page. Anything is appreciated. It's a great charity and super group. And obviously very dear to me.  https://my.crowdchange.co/tkdn3f

Until next post.....FUCK CANCER!!  

Svenofthenorth

Motivation. Or the lack thereof.

 

Have you seen it? I don't know where it has gone. It was just here. And just like that, POOF, it's gone. 

From www.lifehack.org - "Trying to be perfect is a common cause of motivation loss, because it just isn't possible. Many of us are afraid to try new things or complete projects, thinking, “Why bother? I know it won't be good enough.” Instead, we should focus on trying our best." 

That may be part of the problem, but I don't think it's the entire issue. It's true that I've been somewhat frustrated trying to gain back the fitness I lost throughout 2020. It's also true that I've mostly gotten over that stumbling block. I'm no longer forty, or even fifty something. I'm fine with that. I've had my little health scare and handled it fairly well (in my opinion.) I may have lost a step or pedal stroke but I'm still going. Or at least I was until recently. It would seem my get up and go has gotten up and left. And it didn't leave a note saying when it would return. 

I think part of the problem is that just when I'm feeling good, life happens. Just when I start feeling good reality gives me a kick in the shorts. 

I mentioned in an earlier post that work has been a bit more challenging. Retirements. New employees. Training those new employees. Overtime (the last four days were all over eight hours.) Trying to fit twelve hours work in to eight hours. General craziness!!! Anywhere from seven to twelve miles of walking while doing my job. My day starts when I roll out of bed at 4:30 a.m. Lately I'm happy if I can make it home by 5:00 p.m. By then I'm beat, physically and mentally. I get home and I don't want to do a damn thing. I know I should do something. In the past I would have. Lately that isn't the case. 

If you're following along, you may remember that I mentioned some numbness and tingling in my hands. After a few appointments and tests it appears that I have moderately severe carpal tunnel syndrome. I have future appointments to discuss treatment options. I think that this is part of my missing motivation syndrome! Just when I thought doctor appointments, tests, poking and prodding and waiting for answers was over, it seems I am starting the process anew. My last few days off have been filled with trips to more doctors. I admit it is disheartening. On a lighter note, I have received my first COVID vaccine and will get the second dose late in April!!

I'm hoping some nice weather and a few days off rekindles the flame. It's still there but it feels like a flicker instead of a roaring flame. 

According to Psychology Today, "Motivation is the desire to act in service of a goal. It's the crucial element in setting and attaining our objectives." I think that may be part of my issue. by this time most years, I've got a goal or goals. Races are lined up. Runs and rides are planned. I usually have some sort of loose plan or schedule. Even 2020 had goals. Pre-cancer I had a solid plan and goals. I had marks to hit and defined workouts to keep me motivated. Then the double C's hit (COVID and cancer.) And they gave me new goals. Kick cancer's ass and get healthy. Stay healthy despite COVID. I've been pretty successful there also.

So.....it looks like maybe I need a goal. Something definite. Not necessarily an event but a definable and quantifiable goal. Something to work towards. I'm not sure what that may be. I need to ruminate on this for a bit. I have ideas. I need to see what work, life and a few more appointments have to say on the topic. 

Until then, if you see my motivation, please send it my way. I'd deeply appreciate it. 

Thanks for following these random ramblings. I appreciate it. It helps me work through life. As always, comments and questions are welcome, along with a match to light that fire!! And as always I have to end by saying FUCK CANCER!!

I'm calling this a win! On to the next chapter!

This is the day I've been waiting for since this journey began. As of this day, I'm saying that I have kicked prostate cancer's ass!!

I had my PSA blood test on Monday, March 8. I now know why it's been called the "Periodic Stimulation of Anxiety" test. I was on edge all weekend leading up to the test. When the message from the doctor's office posted on my phone app I was honestly scared to open it and read it. 

Less than 0.01!! After my appointment today, Thursday, March 11 my doctor called that UNDETECTABLE!! FUCK CANCER!! (Light blue for effect and to represent prostate cancer.) You can not imagine the relief I felt when I walked out of the hospital today. I smiled all the way on my walk home. When I arrived home you can be sure Tammy and I shared a huge hug and shed a few tears.  

I still have three month check ups for the first year. If those continue to go well they will be moved to every six months. I won't lie and say I won't worry when those dates get closer, but it won't be anything like the last year plus has been. 

I have a few other minor issues I need to deal with but nothing like this. 

Now it's time to return to some semblance of normalcy. 2021 is really, truly, honestly going to be a rebuilding year for me. I won't be making excuses for my performances. Nor will I be setting ridiculous and outlandish goals. I am going to be happy with riding, running and whatever else Tammy and I can find to do. No pressure. Rides with friends. Pushing just a little on runs with friends (try to be nice Becky.) Hopefully some hiking miles on sections of the Ice Age Trail that Tammy and I haven't visited. I'm sure there will be some "competitive" events. I'm putting that in quotes because the one person I will really be competing against is me. This year the results won't matter. I will just enjoy being able to line up and compete and hopefully push the envelope just a little more every time. DFL certainly beats not being able to compete at all. It's a year to enjoy life to it's fullest.

I have to thank everyone who stood by Tammy and me through this journey. This may have been my fight but friends and family made it easier. I may not be the best at expressing my deepest feelings or emotions but know you all are very special in my heart. 

This is definitely the start of Chapter Two. Time to wipe the slate clean and begin anew. Let's see what kind of shenanigans I can get up to. Trust me, I will keep blogging. Hopefully future posts will be focused on recovery, rebuilding and new adventures. 

As always, thank you for following along. I appreciate all the reads. Questions, comments and suggestions  are always welcome. Of course I have to end this like usual, that won't change. FUCK CANCER!!

 

Sick and tired of being sick and tired!!

I think the title of this post says it all. Of course I'm going to say more. What did you expect?

This week it's been my "new normal" again. That means more doctor appointments. Some for regular age related check-ups. And some for some new and interesting issues. 

I mentioned in my last post that I was having some tingling and numbness in my hands and feet. Mostly my hands. Lately I've added some pain to the problem. In the palms. In my thumbs. Now add in a couple of fingers that would lockup while I sleep. What next??

I thought maybe the increase in time spent on the trainer might be a cause. I added in some running again but that didn't seem to help. I tried two pairs of gloves with no relief. Maybe it is work? But nothing has changed there. Same job I've had for ever. No new tasks or changes in my duties. 

So.... off to the doctor. I saw the Physician's Assistant who works with my primary care doctor. Some poking and prodding. A bunch of questions. A few vials of blood. And no definitive answers. Might be carpal tunnel. So I'm trying wrist braces at night. So far not much help. Although it has helped slightly with the issue of a couple of fingers that would literally lockup during the night. 

The blood work revealed some vitamin deficiencies. B-12. D. So I've got a couple of pills I have to remember to pop. Maybe that will help?

The next step is an appointment with a specialist. I'm really hoping and crossing my fingers-when they straighten enough  to cross! I'm a little concerned that this could really put a crimp in my cycling this year. It's not an issue to ride with my hands off the bars on the trainer but that's not a realistic option on the road or trails. You would know this if you've ever seen me ride!!!

Running is still a struggle. A ten minute per mile pace feels like race pace. I'm hoping that some of the vitamins might help. In addition my Lupron injection should start wearing off soon. That will allow my body to start producing testosterone again. I'm crossing my fingers that it will also help. It just baffles me why running is SO HARD while biking seems less so. Don't get me wrong. It's still a struggle, but nothing compared to running. Maybe because it's a weight bearing exercise? My heart rate doesn't seem way out of whack but effort and perceived exertion feel off the scale. At least I'm still running and riding. It may seem like I'm constantly whining but I am grateful to still be able to do what I enjoy even if it is at a more relaxed pace. Miles are miles no matter what the pace. 

On a lighter and brighter note, I am celebrating a milestone on February 28. I've chosen that day as my CANCERVERSARY!! Some people choose the day they are told they're cancer free, or a last treatment. I chose this because it is the day last year that I got my diagnosis. That is the day my life changed in ways I could never have imagined. An interesting and challenging year to say the least. I may not be officially cancer free, That day is yet to come. This is definitely a day I will never forget. On the 28th have a beer for me, preferably something strong and dark. Or a glass of single malt scotch-over ice. Ride some miles or go for a run and do a couple extra for me! By reading this, following along and adding comments and supporting me, you have all helped more than you will ever know!! THANK YOU. If you feel so inclined you can also check out my fundraising page. https://my.crowdchange.co/tkdn3f  If you've donated before-THANK YOU! This year it would mean even more as another family member is dealing with this fucking disease!

Well, that's all for now. Of course there will be more to come. Hopefully all with good news. Thanks for following and reading these random ramblings. Comments and questions are always welcome. And as always, FUCK CANCER!!

Letting go

 

Welcome back. It's been a couple weeks. Hopefully your 2021 is off to a good start. Mine.....well, I'm working on it. 

This post is probably going to be a rehash of past blogs. But I need to work things out in my head and putting fingers to keyboard usually helps. 

I was hoping that 2021 would start off with a bang. New year. New me. Hit the ground running, or biking, or whatever. If I am honest, I'd say it's been a mixed bag at this early date. 

I've been doing some Zwifting, with mixed results. For those of you not familiar with Zwift, it's an app/program that allows you to do virtual rides. Like a video game. If you have a "smart" trainer it even makes you work. Hills feel like hills. Downhills fly by. It's fun. When it works!! Apparently my trainer/iPad/bluetooth doesn't always get along. I'll be riding along, either in a group ride or structured workout and suddenly, NO CONNECTION!! My online rider coasts to a stop. If I'm lucky I can back out and reconnect. But that usually means I've lost the group or my workout starts from the beginning. I've had a little better luck using a laptop but it is so old and slow (like me!) that I need to start it up well before I want to ride. Maybe it will start Zwift, maybe not. I thing it depends on the weather! At least when (if) it finally connects it seems to stay connected. 

To make it more interesting I've been dealing with some numbness/tingling in my hands and feet. Stress? Bad bike position on the trainer? Some new and interesting medical malady? Who knows. It's a few weeks before I have my follow up. Getting in to see a doctor is damn near impossible. Maybe April?! I'm taking a few days off to see if it helps. Updates to follow. It's frustrating because I was feeling good on the bike. I have an old 1985 Trek 2000 on my trainer. Downtube shifters. 6 speed freewheel. 52/39 and 13-21. Probably not ideal but I was having good results. I was even sneaking in a few rides outside. Not long. Not fast. But outside. In January. In Wisconsin. They felt good too. Maybe not pre-2020 good but decent. I was hoping for a good start to 2021. Now I'm not as confident. 

Running has been a different story completely. To say the least it is frustrating. That's where this post's title comes from. I keep comparing 2020 and earlier to now. Right now a 10 minute per mile pace is tough. Honestly tough. Some days brutally tough. Then I get frustrated. And mad. And depressed. And then it goes downhill from there. I keep looking at last year. Running honestly felt effortless. Pre-surgery I felt as good as I have in years. I had the workouts and races to prove it. Even after surgery I felt good. My recovery went well and running fitness came back quickly. I had a great half marathon program. Posted my best 5K in 5+ years. By late fall it seemed somebody put lead in my shoes. Workouts were work! Miserable work. And I kept looking back. I WAS better than this. Past tense. WAS!! I know things change. My body has been through and is going through a lot. And yet I keep looking back. I know it's not smart. And I keep doing it!!!! I need to let go and accept that I'm still able to run and ride or do whatever I choose. I should be okay with that. And then I look over my shoulder at "old Sven." And he shakes his head and asks what the hell is going on?

And right now I have no answer. It really hurts deep down. And I know it is somewhat beyond my control. It's just that my tine chimp brain just won't listen to reason!!

So I'm going to try a new approach. New year. New ideas. NO MORE DAMN COMPARING!! I've started a new decade in life (60's) so it's time to wipe the slate clean. Every day is a chance for a new age related PR. Basically I can only get faster and go farther. At least that's my thinking. 

I have a sneaking hunch that race season 2021, if it even happens, will be a new experience. This year I am choosing to call races "events." Now don't assume I won't be pushing myself to whatever limits my body will allow. I just get the feeling that speed is a thing of the past. Endurance isn't a huge concern. I can always stop and rest, right?? It will be fun to experience some courses with a new outlook and maybe even enjoy the scenery. It will be fun to be able to talk with others instead of gasping for breath. I'm going to have fun. Not that races aren't fun, it's a different type of fun. No second guessing how the race could have/should have gone. No chasing that break. No trying to drop that runner on my heels. I still want to do well. I want to experience that endorphin rush. That feeling when everything clicks and you know it's your day. It's just going to be at a bit slower pace. And I'm fine with that. REALLY! I've done a few races over the years and honestly don't feel that I have much left to prove. 

Today is my day off from work. Seems like a good day to start this forward looking plan. I'm going to take each day as it comes and accept what it gives me. I'll celebrate the good days and deal with the less than stellar days. I will be happy to get out and enjoy the miles, no matter the distance and whether they be slow or fast. Much better than no miles. 

If you hear my whining and complaining feel free to give me a swift kick in the chamois. If I'm bitching about this or that ache or pain or how slow I feel, remind me that the alternative is the couch of doom.....or worse. No promises that there won't be some back sliding but I will be working on this. Call it my 2021 training goal. Now I'm going to see what today has waiting for me.

Thanks for following along and putting up with some of my whiny posts. I appreciate it more than you all can imagine. Like I said above, this helps me sort out my feeling and thoughts. It's helped me deal with this past year. Comments and questions are always appreciated. And as always......FUCK CANCER!

 

Happy New Year!

Finally! Time to put 2020 in the rearview mirror! I have no idea what 2021 has in store but I’m ready, or as ready as possible. I’m SO ready to kick this year to the curb and welcome 2021 with open arms. By saying that I mean prepared for whatever life throws at me. Last year was a bit of a whirlwind. Even though it was spread out over a year it feels like my life was turned upside down very quickly. I think I handled things pretty well, but of course I'm a little biased. 

As for what I have in store for 2021, that is a rather fluid plan at the moment. I know what I would like to do and accomplish but that plan depends on a lot of different things.

My work schedule is one of the big "ifs." At the end of 2020 my employer offered buy outs/early retirements to some employees. 4 people in the department I work in left on December 31. That may not seem like much but that is 4 people in a department of 16. Close to 140 years of experience. Now we're short handed. Training new employees. On top of considerably more work. 12 hour shifts. Time off being denied. I'm not sure how long this will continue but it has already impacted my schedule. Hopefully this will change but I'm not holding my breath. 

Events scheduling is another big "if." If they're going to be held. If they get rescheduled. If they are virtual. My vacation time is scheduled from May to May (due to contract.) I pick in early January. That means that I choose my vacations for most of 2021 and the beginning of 2022. I have to hope I can get the weeks I want/need if I'm registering for a race. If the race holds a lottery or is first come first served I have to hope that week is available. I do have first choice in my department but also work with 15 others. That means that races that involve some travel/hotels/advance planning are a crap shoot most years. Toss in the specter of the race being cancelled and 2021 will be interesting. 

Next issue is health. I am 100 percent planning on being healthy! Positive thinking. To me there is no question. As for my fitness.....that's another issue!

The last few weeks have been a struggle. I hate to admit that. I am doing my best to keep my chin up but some days are more difficult than others. Just when I string a couple good days together the next day comes along and kicks me in the ass. Running really seems to take everything I've got. I believe it's a combination of the radiation treatment and the Lupron. Blocking testosterone and vigorous (for me) weight bearing activity don't seem to go together well. I haven't found any good research studies to back this up. It's just my first hand experience and opinion. Cycling doesn't seem to be as bad. I've definitely slowed and have to work harder at what seems to be an easy effort but it does seem easier than running. I've done a few Zwift rides and really have to push to stay with the group. Again, I believe it's weight bearing vs. non-weight bearing. *Seek a real doctor for intelligent advice* Hopefully once the effects of the Lupron fade my fitness level will grow. 

I have a few events on the back burner but I honestly don't plan on setting any records this year. Slow and steady is my new motto. I'll be glad to just toe the line and feel that race day adrenaline. I've signed up for Point Bock 5 mile (virtual-early March) and Wausau24 (4 person 24 hour mountain bike event.) I'm hoping for a late spring/early summer gravel race but I don't have anything firm yet. I'm crossing my fingers for a few WORS races and maybe a fall gravel event. It all depends on scheduling. I'd love to work up to a 50K again but that is a big goal and I need to be realistic. Like I said above, I know I won't be setting the courses on fire but I don't want any of these to turn in to an all out sufferfest! I mainly want to have fun!

That's where I am to start 2021. I hope all of you are doing well. If you're training I hope that is going strong and that race season, whatever that may be, finds you fit and fast. 

Now, I'm off to test out some new studded road bike tires. Although it's been in the mid 30's the past few days maybe I can find some snow/ice. Outside surely beats inside staring at a virtual course. I'll let you know how it goes next time. 

That's all I have for now. As always, thank you  for following along. I appreciate it. Comments and questions are welcome (good and bad.)

And of course-FUCK CANCER!!

Okay, maybe I’m not superhuman!

 

There are a few people who may want to be seated when they read this post. You know who you are. 

I went back to work on December 21. With my southern swing schedule I just finished my first 7 days on stretch before my days off.  As I got ready to return I assumed I was ready. My last radiation treatment was December 7. That gave me two weeks to rest up. That should be plenty to let my body recover. I figured I would hit the ground running and it would be situation normal. Steady as she goes.  I may have overestimated my recovery and readiness just a bit. 

It felt good to be back. In 40 years at work, 10 weeks off is the most time I have ever missed. I eased back in as best as I could. I work in a paper mill. Blue collar. Lots of walking. Usually 10,000 plus steps. In steel toed shoes, hard hat, high vis clothes, cut resistant gloves and of course a mask. On and off a forklift. Readying railcars for product. Opening and closing railcar doors. Fairly physical work. When the railcars ship out doors in the train shed are obviously open. So it gets a bit chilly. It’s December in Wisconsin. It’s warm. It’s cold. Days are never the same. 

Day one went okay. I was a little tired by the end of my shift. But not bad. I chalked it up to not being accustomed to waking up at 4:30 a.m. My sleep quality is still not exactly optimal so I figured I would be a bit tuckered out. I got some running and riding in the first few days back. Nothing out of the ordinary. At least I didn’t feel it was. 

Things slowly started adding up day by day. Sleep suffered. Quality and amount. The joint pain I had earlier has returned with a vengeance. The last couple days the fatigue was honestly overwhelming. I actually fell asleep mid conversation. Not listening. Talking! Toss in a couple crappy commutes in snowy conditions. I was beat. I was angry at myself for not hitting my workouts. I was depressed. 

Now of course I kept training. A couple days running. A few Zwift rides. There might have even been a day of doubling up. I felt slow. Legs of lead while running. The rides weren’t much better. Trying to hit certain wattages felt tough. Tougher than it should have felt. I kept pushing for a few days. Hey, I have never claimed to be smart. Stubborn, yes. Smart, no! 

It was like a car wreck in slow motion. I could see things getting worse but kept ignoring the situation. I just kept hoping things would return to normal. But that wasn’t happening. 

It was time to take a step back. I’ve taken a few days away from training. A day off is rare for me. My body usually responds well to training stress. The more the better. I guess I didn’t factor in dealing with cancer and the treatments. I’m sure the lack of testosterone isn’t helping. 

The rest seems to be helping. I am still tired as hell. I still ache like hell. Sleep quality sucks. But I feel better. If that makes sense. 

I’m going to rethink my short term goals. They really aren’t overly ambitious but maybe I need to tone them down a skosh. I’m really beginning to think that 2021 will be a rebuilding year. I’ve been dealing with my cancer for all of 2020, from the first appointment and tests to today. I suppose I can’t expect to get back to the amazing fitness level I was at overnight. 😁

So if you see me ramping things up too quick feel free to knock me down a peg or two. I apparently don’t have the sense to pay attention to common sense. 

That’s enough for now. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I needed it. Comments and questions are always welcome.   

Chapter Two

 

I'll bet you'll be glad when I return to work so I don't have so much time to sit and think! And write!

Let's move on to some more positive posts. Looking ahead. Starting over. Moving on. Putting the past truly behind. Reset. 

I really like that last idea. Reset. I wish it was that simple. Push a button and start fresh. I know it isn't going to be that easy. I know I have some hard work ahead of me. I am still amazed at how much I've lost and how fast it disappeared. I have been keeping active, running and riding, but the fitness slipped through my fingers. 

The effects of the radiation therapy are slowly fading away . They are not entirely gone but definitely fading. I still have to deal with the effects of the Lupron injection. Shutting down testosterone production and training isn't an ideal combination. The research and reading I've been doing are somewhat positive though. The opinion is to definitely keep exercising. I was told to keep up weight bearing exercise due to the chance of losing bone density. Running. Weight lifting. Keep the bones strong. I haven't been to the gym since late spring. That was one chance I didn't want to risk with COVID-19 and cancer. I've been rethinking that lately. Maybe hitting the gym at off hours. I returned to work on December 21. Back on day shift. I could probably roust my lazy ass out of bed and hit the gym before work. It shouldn't be to packed at 4:00 a.m.  And I will still be wearing a mask. Just to start slowly. I know I've lost muscle mass. I may not be able to put on piles of muscle but it would be nice to just hold steady or gain back a small amount. 

I've also let my running slide. More than I should. And that is entirely my fault. My last really good run was at the end of September. I tossed a hard 5K in the middle of my run. 23:40. 7:37 pace. I hadn't run that fast since.... well I honestly can't remember. I anchored a triathlon relay leg in the fall of 2019 and didn't run that fast. But apparently the hormone therapy hadn't caught up in September AND I hadn't started radiation. My pace, energy and endurance went downhill faster than an Olympic bobsled. Which pissed me off and frustrated the hell out of me. So instead of suffering I spent more time on the bike(s). It seemed easier on my body. Less aches. Plus I could coast occasionally. When I eventually got to the top of the hill.  I could go farther with less effort, which made a huge difference some days. Maybe I should have sucked it up and done shorter runs at an easier pace. Some days it didn't matter what I did, it just sucked. And I couldn't wrap my tiny, proud, middle of the pack, weekend athlete, man brain around the fact that I was sick and my body was under stress.  If you're a "serious" recreational athlete ( and I use that phrase very loosely ) you know what I mean. The fatigue/tiredness/feeling of dragging an anchor hasn't let up-yet. I'm hoping that with time it will.  

Thus begins what I'm going to call Chapter Two. The Comeback. I'm going to be smart about this comeback. And patient. I do know I won't be back to pre-cancer Dustin overnight. I honestly don't know what to expect. I do believe I will be back to where I was. I'm hopeful I will be back stronger. Right now I'm happy to be running and riding. Despite all the grumbling and grousing, I'm happy. I'm sure I will get frustrated. I just need to work on that patience! I'm going to bastardize a Lance Armstrong quote and say all my days are good. Some are just better than others. 

My short term goals are realistic. I keep thinking they are too easy. But they're not. I need realistic and attainable goals. They may seem easy to some but I have to start somewhere. I'm starting my running with a 5K plan. I've set a goal for a 29:00 5K by March 13. That's 9:20 pace. To me that seems slow. Maybe I should say to the "old" me that seems slow. To 2020 me it means I have some work to do. This isn't a given. I need the goal and structure to keep me honest and get me out the door. If for some reason it starts getting easy, and I don't think it will, I can adjust the plan. By the middle of March my Lupron injection should be wearing off and I should be getting some testosterone in my system. Hopefully this will give me some energy and I'll be able to build some muscle mass again. I guess it's a game of wait and see.

My short term goal for the bike is get some power and endurance back. Again, I know my goals seem easy and a bit low. Again, I assure you they're not. I did a short FTP test on Zwift on December 13. I won't mention my result. I'm not happy. But it's a starting point. I would like to sneak in a race or two in 2021 and I need some goals and structure to get me to the starting line and over the finish line. 

At this point I believe 2021 will be a rebuilding year for me. I will be entering a new age group (60-64) at the beginning of the year. To me that means new competition and a chance for new PB's. I don't plan on setting the world on fire. But I want to be competitive. That doesn't mean winning. It means doing the best I can. Maybe a step faster than 2020 me. If that's DFL, fine. I can deal with that as long as I give it my all. 

I'll also be honest and admit I don't know what 2021 will bring health-wise. I believe I have kicked cancer's ass. We'll see. I don't have another follow up visit until the beginning of March. Until then it's wait and see. In "The Rancid Walnut" R. Steven Heaps wrote that PSA stands for Periodic Simulation of Anxiety. That's what it will be like until March! Whatever 2021 brings, Chapter Two will be interesting. 

Thanks again for following this crazy journey. It's a story I never imagined writing. Now I can't imagine not chronicling it. …”sometimes we don’t reveal our secret stories for ourselves but for others whose secret stories are the same-and the secret wants out.” (Michael Perry-Montaigne In Barn Boots)

Leave comments. Ask questions. I'll address any and all of them. With more information than you might want!

FUCK CANCER!

Thoughts and thanks. Friends and family. New and old.

Bear with me on this one. It was more difficult to write than I imagined. I had to deal with a myriad of emotions. And I still am!

My last day of radiation therapy for prostate cancer was December 7. I began treatment on October 14. Prior to that I began hormone therapy to block my testosterone on September 4. And to begin this whole interesting ride I had robotic assisted prostate surgery on May 5. If I had to really nail down the day it all began I would say it began on February 28 with the results of my biopsy. Lots of dates to remember. Trust me, they are all chiseled in my head. 

 I had no idea what to expect  when I started.  None! I mistakenly believed I would sail through with no changes to my life. Boy was I wrong. Some side effects and treatments were worse than others. The one constant throughout all of this was people. That seems like a pretty broad subject. Let me try and break it down. 

To say I was nervous heading in to surgery is putting it mildly. Scared is a better term. My only other surgery was to fix a hernia. Outpatient surgery. In and out the same day. No big deal. This was a level of scared I have never dealt with. They were going to take out something that was trying to kill me. No real guarantees what would be found until the doctor got in there. In the days leading up to surgery I tried to act like it was no big deal. Believe me when I say I'm a pretty good actor. What helped immensely was family, friends and coworkers. Whether they knew it or not they really kept me occupied and kept my mind off of the seriousness. Some riding and running in the days leading up to surgery really helped keep my overactive mind quiet. 

Surgery went well. I can’t thank enough my doctor, the nurses and all the others involved in my care and recovery. I like to think being a model patient made their job easier. 😁

Once I returned home and began my recovery I was honestly amazed by the care and concern of my friends and family. It’s said (not sure by whom) that you really find your true friends when you’re down. Tammy and I totally believe it! Care packages arrived. Food was delivered. Calls, emails and texts were received and shared. It was all appreciated beyond words. 

Especially when COVID was added to the heap to complicate matters. 

The lull between surgery and hormone therapy and radiation treatments had people constantly checking in with us. I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard “if there is anything you need.” 

When radiation treatment started people continued to reach out. Offers to help with the drive back and forth to Appleton every day if needed. Constant reminders of “you’ve got this.” Easy bike rides with very patient friends. Coworkers checking in to let me know what I was missing. 😂 Family politely reminding me to take it easy. 

When my treatment wrapped up the response from people was a bit overwhelming. I don’t know any other way to say it. I was at a loss for words. Hard to tell that right now, isn’t it?! I won’t even try to mention everyone and everything. Just know that Tammy and I are grateful for it all. 

I have to send huge thanks to everyone involved my care and treatment. From the beginning Tammy and I were always kept up to date and informed. The surgery team was awesome and my care was outstanding. 

All the follow up visits were excellent. 

Once I started radiation treatment I experienced a level of care, concern and compassion that blew me away. I had a simulation prior to starting and a lengthy discussion with a nurse and Dr. Ray, my radiation oncologist. I was still nervous as hell walking in Thedacare Regional Cancer Center on that first day. I didn’t know what to expect. All the possible side effects were swirling through my head along with a multitude of other unpleasant thoughts. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle 38 days. My fears were 99 percent unfounded-some of the side effects weren’t! Everyone in that building went above and beyond to make me feel comfortable. Pleasant. Friendly. Compassionate. Caring. So many other qualities to help settle my nerves and make the visits as easy as possible. As the days passed I felt like I was part of a new family. From the temperature scanner at the door remembering me day to day, and over weekends, to the registration check in team who many days had my information at hand before I could even verify my name and birthdate, to everyone in what I'm going to call "Area 4." 

Here's how my day usually went. I arrived usually a bit early for my 10:00 a.m. treatment. I headed in and would get my temperature scan at the door. It was the same two or three people. By the end of the second week, they knew me. Along with all the same questions they tried to change it up to see if people were actually listening or just giving the same answers out of habit. "How was supper last night? Did it taste good? Everything stay down okay?" Little things made the days easier! Then it was up to registration. After the first day, I would be handed a swipe card to enter the radiation treatment area. It has a separate waiting area. As I mentioned above, by about the second week they would see me coming and would usually have all my information up on their computer. Name and birthdate. Hand me a swipe card and away I would go. Always friendly and polite. Once back in the radiation area I would try to hang up my coat and sit for a minute before they came and got me. Most days I wasn't very successful. Even being up to 15 minutes early some days I rarely waited. It was the same group of techs every day. And another amazing group. They always checked to see how I felt. How was I doing? Plans for the day? How was your weekend? When I did my ride home from Appleton they wanted to know how it went. Was I nuts? One was a runner so that day would end up talking about training and racing. I felt like a person and not just a patient. Trust me, there is a HUGE difference. Tuesdays were the days I saw the doctor. Dr. Ray and his nurse were always positive and concerned. Always checking for problems, side effects or anything out of the ordinary. My questions were answered straightforwardly. Maybe not what I wanted to hear but no beating around the exam room. After my approximately 15 minute visit I was done for the day. Many days I was out of the building before my appointment time! Towards the end I started getting questioned-"How many days left?" From the volunteers doing temperature scans to registration and all the way through. It felt good to hear those personal questions. I also had a nurse liaison who checked in with Tammy and me. Always inquiring about how my treatments were going. Was there anything we needed? Anything they could do? Did we need help with getting to and from appointments?  Like I said, it felt like a new family, albeit one I never imagined I would be a part of.

I haven't said much about my last appointment. It still brings up some very strong emotions. It started even before I entered the building. There are signs outside the door and in the parking lot. Positive and hopeful. "You've got this." "We are so proud of you." I had been looking at those every day. When I checked in and got my swipe card I was told "congratulations, you've done great." I had a certificate of completion from the entire staff. After I saw Dr. Ray I was asked if I wanted to ring the bell. Damn right!! Some of the staff followed outside. Tammy and my son Travis were there also. Ringing that bell was one of the proudest and most emotional moments of my life. To say a few tears were shed is an understatement. 

Wow, this has become a bit long winded, even for me. Bear with me. I'm getting there. 

I guess where I'm headed is what (or who) helped get me through this. I seriously wouldn't have had as easy a time as I did without friends and family. If I don't personally mention you, trust me, you are appreciated more than you know. It's just been a bit overwhelming at times!

First family. My wife Tammy has stood by me from day one. You may think that's just natural, but I don't necessarily believe that. When the shit hits the fan some partners just can't or won't deal with things. Tammy put up with me through good and bad days, and trust me there were days I wasn't the model patient. Her support, belief and love were the light that kept me going! To the moon......

My parents were amazing. Offering support and strength. Positive phone calls with laughter and stories. Thanksgiving food to-go plates. Cookies-way too many of those! The constant check-ins were amazing. 

My sisters. Trish, the quiet one who stood beside me while dealing with her own issues. Tacit love and strength I always knew was there. And then there is the vocal one! Amy. Princess High and Mighty Queen Bee Told You So Boss of the World. And I mean that in a very proud and loving way. When my stubbornness got out of hand and I tried to do more than was sensible she quickly swooped in and reminded me what an idiot I was. Kindly and caringly. I think there were days that she and Tammy ganged up on me! 

Tammy's brothers. Bob and his family. Mark and his family. Always checking in to see what's what and what's needed. 

Our kids. And I do mean Our Kids. Lara, Chelsea, Travis and Glenn. And their better halves. And all the grandkids. From care packages, custom t-shirts, custom Team Sven/Fuck Cancer sign, video chats, texts, and socially distant visits, they were bright rays of sunshine. They mad me laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time! And they occasionally chastised me too when I got to big for my britches!

Friends. Wow, where to start?! Todd and Suzanne. Their friendship was another shining star. From slow roll bike rides for beer to care packages and everything in between. They never let me get down or let me take myself too seriously. I mean, c'mon. They patiently dragged my tired butt through a gravel ride in the middle of an October snow squall. That's friendship!! Seriously though, it's said when the chips are down you find out who your friends are. 

Mike, Julie and Ruby. Always checking in and supportive. And because green Jello is for boys!

Myles, whose slightly frightening visage I am staring at now. Don't ask. Checking in. Meeting for a beer to keep an eye on me. Waiting for me to go take a leak so he could ask Tammy, "how is he really?" It seemed like he knew when I needed a visit.

Becky and John. Keeping tabs and reminding me this isn't the end of the road (or trail.) 

Rachel and Ben. For all the check ins and a rare opportunity to race. Gentlemen's pace my ass!

Our neighbors, Pam and Roger. Checking in and keeping track of us. And shaking their heads as I headed out for another ride or run! Good neighbors are hard to find. Great neighbors are like a needle in a haystack!

So many other friends keeping tabs on us and sending positive thoughts. It seems like an endless list some days and Tammy and I are so grateful for all of you. 

Friends and groups on social media were a help too. Members of Mind Over Matter Alphas and Fxck Endurance Club. A thumbs up here and there did more than you can imagine. And realizing that I'm not the only one who is going through some shit!! Some days that really put things in perspective! Two groups I never thought I would be a part of and damn proud to be a member now!

The list is seemingly endless, at least to me. When I step away for a moment another name and memory pops up. Tammy and I are truly fortunate to have all of you in our life. This wasn't fun, but it was easier with all of you. When life returns to normal there will be a driveway fire and adult beverages to share. If you are a part of this story, you're invited. And if you weren't directly involved and want to see how so many great people can change one life, you're invited too!!

Done! Okay, now what?

I am done! Finished! I have completed 38 days of radiation treatment for prostate cancer. 5 days a week for 7 1/2 weeks. I did get a day off on Thanksgiving. Approximately 15 minutes a day. I got to know the people I saw everyday. And they got to know me, on a first name basis.  So…now what? That’s the $64,000 question, isn’t it? At least it is for me. 

First on the agenda is to get healthy. Wait, isn’t that what I have been doing? Yes…but…maybe I should say get back to where I feel healthy. Back to where I feel like the old me, minus the cancer. 

I went in to radiation therapy with the belief that I was going to proceed with life as normal. Situation status quo. I may have been wrong?😮 Imagine that! It took a few weeks but the side effects finally began to rear their ugly heads. Fatigue was the worst for me. The hot flashes from the Lupron shot are really affecting my sleep. I am really happy when I get two straight hours of sleep before I am awakened soaking wet. It doesn't last  long and I generally fall asleep again, once I've risen and toweled off. And then it happens again. Repeat three or four times a night. I usually sneak in a short nap sometime during the day but the fatigue slowly builds up. It will be late spring before the side effects of the Lupron subside. I can't wait to sleep through the night! 😴

I can't wait to be rid of the joint pain and aches from the Lupron injection. These seem to be completely random in occurrence. Day to day activity seems to have no rhyme or reason to their happening. When it does occur it can be a dull ache or feel like somebody is trying to pull my joints apart, mainly the hips or knees, but it has flared up in almost every joint. I know I'm old and things ache, but c'mon!! It will be nice to have the usual aches and pains of getting older and from a hard workout.

I can't wait to get some muscle strength and stamina back. Another wonderful side effect of Lupron is loss of muscle mass. Testosterone can help fuel prostate cancer cells. Lupron blocks testosterone. which affects lean muscle mass. I figured that I would just bypass that side effect along with the others. I may have misjudged again. I didn't notice it at first, but like fatigue, it slowly crept up on me. And then it kicked my ass! Two races on the same course brought the realization home for me. The first one was before my injection and radiation therapy began. Two hard and fast laps at the Brown County Reforestation Camp on August 15. I felt strong. Fast. I flowed through the single track. I powered up the punchy climbs. My second lap was only forty-seven seconds slower that the first. I felt great. As close to that mystical sense of being in the “zone” as I have been in a very long time. The second race was seven weeks after my injection and two and one half weeks after radiation therapy began. November 1. Same course, mostly. One lap. I felt tired and slow right off the start line. The same little climbs from August felt like mountains. I usually spin out my single speed on the two track sections. Not so this day. I felt slow and clumsy on the bike when I usually feel like the bike and I are one. I had a little "incident" while the first place rider in our age class and I were pushing through the single track. When I saw Tom riding away I just quit. Mentally and physically. Normally I would have chased until I exploded. It just wasn't there. Not that I didn't want to push. I couldn't push. My one lap that day was slower than either lap in August. The perceived effort was so much higher in November. Looking at other information (heart rate, cadence, speed) it shows that my treatment was catching up. I prefer to think of it as my treatment was working and my body was doing all it could. 

I am planning (hoping) to get back to where I was in late 2019/early 2020. At Reforestation in 2019 I ran a 5K trail race before the mountain bike race. That wasn't even an option this year. At least I realized that! Now, before everybody jumps all over me, I plan on coming back slow and smart. 2021 may end up being a total rebuild/recover year. I know my health and fitness won't come back overnight. There are a couple other side effects I would like to rid from my body. I hope to get my energy level back to normal. I need to shed a few pounds (another jolly side effect of Lupron-weight gain. Less muscle mass, more ass!)  I would like to get back to the point where the climbs around Waupaca don't feel like the Swiss Alps. I hate to admit but I have been to the point where I considered walking up a couple hills. I'm hoping to race in 2021. I’ll be entering a new age group. Hopefully a real pin on a bib event. I won't make any guarantees on my competitiveness. But you can be damn sure I will give it my all. 

My plan is to take a few weeks now and relax. I need to process what I’ve been through. I need to get back to work and pay some bills. Maybe sneak in some easy rides and runs, preferably outside. Beginning January 1, 2021 it will be time to get serious. I need to sit down and work on a plan. Set some concrete goals. Research some races to work towards. I need to work on getting some strength back while I get back to my fighting weight. Some flexibility would help with the stiffness and aches. It will be an uphill battle but it can’t be harder than kicking cancer’s ass! 

Well…that’s all I have for now. Unfortunately I do have more to say. I just need time to put those thoughts in to words. There really is a lot swirling around my little brain today. Once I sort out some thoughts and emotions I will put finger to keyboard. 

Thank you to everyone who has followed along so far. The trip isn’t over. This is just the first leg of the journey. I appreciate all the reads and comments. I’m also up for any questions. 

And one more time- FUCK CANCER!  

Frustration

It's me!! That's who!! Did you guess? 

Even though I've preached and written about patience, acceptance and remaining positive, I still struggle. I'm human. I occasionally push harder than is wise. I still look back at pre-cancer me and expect to be that person. This probably seems like I am constantly repeating the same topics and issues. I'm hoping that by continually purging my busy little brain that I'll make some sense and eventually listen to myself. 

That means today I'm visiting, or maybe revisiting frustration. I had good and bad days all rolled in to one this past weekend. I did a run each morning. I followed that up with some yoga and core work. After I refueled I finished each day off with a bike ride. None of these were hard, fast or far. Saturday was a beautiful day by central Wisconsin standards for the end of November. Close to 50 degrees and sunshine. I did my ride with Tammy and some of my favorite back roads. Sunday wasn't as nice but I almost replicated Saturday. So why the frustration you ask? You did ask, right?

For me it can be tied to the above not far, fast or hard. Especially during my run each day. I kept glancing at my watch and the pace and heart rate it was showing. I keep comparing my running to the half marathon I ran in the middle of September. Before you all jump on my back, yes I know things have changed. I hadn't started radiation yet. I had a pacer/company on that day. The weather was really perfect. I do know these things. And it still frustrates the hell out of me. I ran hard on Sunday. It felt hard. I could have maybe pushed faster but not much. I was almost 45 seconds per mile slower for 3 miles as I was for my half marathon. And I hurt! That's one reason I added the yoga. Otherwise I probably would be sorer and stiffer than I am today. 

The rides felt the same. I keep comparing them to the race I did in the middle of August. Yeah, again, I know. Things have changed. I felt so strong in August. 20 plus miles of single track on my single speed. It felt effortless. I was as close to being in the zone as I've been in years. Saturday was a decent ride. I rode with Tammy and we enjoyed that 50 degree weather. Not far or fast but it was a good ride. Sunday's ride was totally different. I knew from the start it was going to be a battle. The wind felt relentless and cold. I had plans for a longer ride but wisely chose a route that allowed me shortcuts if needed. And it was needed. I came close to walking up a hill that I used to fly up. It took me almost twice as long as usual. That was the point I knew it was time to head for home. 

Okay, again, I know I'm not quite the rider/runner I was a few months ago. I know (hope) it will come back. It just is so frustrating to work so hard and feel like I'm going backwards. It's hard for my tiny brain to accept that my body is working hard just to get healthy. Believe me, I constantly tell myself to relax and just be glad to be able to ride and run at all. And it is a battle, but I think I'm finally relaxing and allowing myself some slack. 

My last couple rides to start this week were better. I got back on the trainer and did a couple rides on Zwift. I even did a virtual race. Granted down a category or two from my last Zwift events but I relaxed and just played around. 

I started December with a cold loop around the Hartman Creek single track with Tammy. Easy peasy. I felt good. Dare I say even a little stronger than normal.

I'm hoping some easy days and the end of radiation treatments will start nudging me back to normal. I'm not expecting huge improvements. It's going to be spring before the hormone therapy shot begins to wear off. So, I'll have good and bad days. And continue to be frustrated on occasion, but the end is in sight. And I won't give up or stop trying. Slow and steady, right? I seem to be good at that!

Thanks for following my endless ramblings. I appreciate it. It helps me work out my feelings and thoughts. As always, comments and questions are always welcome.

Until next time....get out and run, ride, or whatever gets you moving. Oh yeah, and FUCK CANCER!

Listen up boy!!

Welcome back!

When I began this post I felt the need to do a little more mental purging. Not sure why. Maybe the craptastic weather - mid 30's and 35 mph wind gusts. Apparently I'm not as hardy as I imagine myself to be. So instead of putting on my big boy pants and venturing outside, I began to empty my mind. 

After my post about acceptance I have realized I'm not doing very well on that front. I'm a little hard of hearing. And I've been told I'm a bit stubborn. I need to listen to what my body is trying to tell me. I'm trying but most days I am having a hard time accepting that I can't keep up. That I can't hit my goal paces. That I can't ride or run the distance I would like. 

I know that I need to relax. Believe me, multiple people remind almost every day that my body is fighting and trying to heal. And I know that. It seems that my mind doesn't want to listen to my body. 

It's a battle I've been fighting as long as I can recall. I've lined up on the start line of a 40 mile mountain bike race after being told I should be under bed rest for back spasms. I started a cross country ski race with a fever up around 101°F. I've apparently broken and cracked bones and continued riding, running and working out (that's what my latest bone scan showed.) I guess I don't listen well!

Lately the weather is my biggest enemy. In central Wisconsin the weather has been very fall-like. Except for a few nice days in the 70's it has been cold and windy. Most days not enough to keep me inside but enough to make riding or running, shall we say, interesting. I generally try and head out in to the wind. And try to just go easy and not let Mother Nature get me down. I've had two rides recently where I didn't do well on that front. The headwinds frustrated me. Pissed me off. I almost let it defeat me. I kept looking down at my Garmin and seeing my speed. WTF! That can't be right! A little uphill and a headwind and I'm almost down to single digits. And there's nothing more in the tank. 

My Thursday ride and Friday run last week were perfect examples of my stubbornness and difficulty realizing that I'm not pre-radiation Dustin. I probably put in more miles than was wise on Thursday. The wind on my way out to Saxeville seemed to suck the energy out of my legs. I got home and admitted to Tammy that I almost gave up. I wanted to walk up a hill on Long Lake Road I would normally power up. I damn near got out my phone and called for a ride home. I seriously wanted to quit. That has never happened before. My run Friday was no better. I tried, key word tried to do my 5K scheduled workout. It called for a 10 minute warmup, 1.5 mile time trial and 10 minute cool down. All I can say is that it was very humbling. I'll admit it was a pretty good uphill run on the Wau-King trail heading up to the High School. Still.....my little time trial felt ridiculously hard. It felt like race pace. I won't even add the pace. My heart rate was higher than it should have been for the pace. By the time I went for a ride Saturday I was depressed and beaten. Another headwind. I did my best to relax and not look at my speed. I will admit I did better than I thought I would. I kept telling myself it's just a damn ride! Be glad you're out riding! Once I got the wind behind me I actually enjoyed the ride. I didn't feel better. Any hard effort was immediately rewarded with an instant loss of energy. The remainder of Saturday was spent on the couch napping while my body tried to recover. 

This week hasn't been much better on the listening front. I did a virtual duathlon on Thursday. I couldn't believe how slow and clumsy I felt both riding and running. Today, Friday I went for a little road ride. I know I probably shouldn't have but......again, I struggled with the wind. And felt horrible. Depressed. Demoralized. Actually angry with myself. I tried to relax and just spin. It worked a bit but then I'd look down and see single digits as I went up hill. Deep down my brain just won't let my body relax. I have some ideas as to why, but I'll bore you with that at another time!

My goal for the next week is to listen to my body. Really listen. And then take what my body will allow for that day. If it says "relax, rest and nap" then I will do that. If it says "let's go really easy today and just enjoy" I will do that. I'm going to pay attention and finally listen. I know I need to rest, recover and heal but that doesn't mean total inactivity. I need to listen and find that fine line to balance my days. I need to listen when my body wants to call it quits and then decide if it really has had enough or if I'm just being a big weanie! 

Just so it doesn't seem like all I do is whine, I am listening! I rode Tuesday, November 17. And it truly wasn't a good day. Instead of packing it in I relaxed and worked on flowing through the local single track. It didn't pay to push because I didn't have any push in me. So I guess I can be taught! Baby steps. 

Wish me luck!!

As always, thank you for following this endless stream of babbling, whining and purging. It helps me cope in a weird kind of way! Comments, questions and pleas to just shut up are always welcome!

Svenofthenorth

Progress

 Before everyone goes and blames me for blathering on and on on a more frequent basis, this blog post can be blamed on a friend and fellow fitness fanatic. I'd would name him or her but I don't want any harm to come to him or her!

It was suggested that the next blog subject should be the word "progress." According to Merriam-Webster, as a noun one definition is "gradual betterment." Using it as a verb it has one definition of "to move forward."

After my last post about acceptance this does seem like a natural progression! (See what I did there?) And progress goes hand in hand with acceptance. 

I am certainly not the runner, cyclist or especially human being I was at the beginning of this year. I can accept that. Really! And I know I will progress. 

It may be slow at first. I will probably (definitely) back slide too. But I will eventually move forward. I just need to be patient. Hmmm...maybe I should delve deeper in to that word in a future post. 

I'm hoping to progress to where I was at the beginning of the year. And then beyond that. I had a strong start to 2020 in my humble and uneducated opinion. I started the year doing a half marathon program using Zwift on the gym treadmill. I felt strong most days. My paces and distances were progressing nicely. I added in weight work a few days per week and saw my strength and the weights and reps progressing. I even managed to sneak in some time outside on the bike. Never far or fast but enough to keep the hunger alive for sunny spring miles. I felt like everything was on track for a strong 2020. In retrospect I think that in the deepest and darkest corners of my pessimistic mind I knew what was ahead. It’s possible I was pushing harder than I had in a while because I was afraid it was going to end. I had my first appointment with my urologist on January 6. By the end of February I had my diagnosis. And I was still moving forward. Feeling strong. Making progress. I knew surgery and the ensuing recovery were ahead so I was doing all I could. After surgery in May I tried to relax and remain calm. I took my recovery slow. I started another half marathon plan and slowly made progress. I did my 5 hour virtual run. I had a strong race on my single speed. I was moving forward. 

Then I started hormone therapy and radiation treatments in mid October. At this writing I am just over halfway through. I am aware of all the possible side effects. But I thought my fitness and general overall good health would minimize them. And that I would keep making progress. And I am horribly wrong. It took a couple of weeks but my earlier progress became steady as she goes. Then it became hanging on with all I had. And now I am trying to limit my losses. Progress becomes regress. What was effortless a few months ago is now damn near unthinkable. At best, I know it will stay this way. At worst, it will get worse. The two events I did since starting this regimen certainly brought me back to earth. I was amazed at how quickly I have regressed. 

But, eventually progress will find it’s way back. Slowly but surely. It will take time. That’s where patience comes in. Honestly, I’m secretly hoping that while I’m pushing during treatment that I can come back stronger than before. Or at least make progress quicker and smoother. But, I will eventually begin making progress again. 2021 brings new challenges, hopefully some races and a new age group. Look out 60+ I plan on kicking some ass. I can smack talk a little. It will help push me to progress once I kick cancer’s ass. And that is one front I believe I am making progress on. Every day brings me closer to being cancer free. That may be soon or in the distant future, but I am making progress!

So there you go. I hope you are happy Becky. Oops!!

Thanks again for reading. Comments and questions are welcome. 

Svenofthenorth