Okay, maybe I’m not superhuman!

 

There are a few people who may want to be seated when they read this post. You know who you are. 

I went back to work on December 21. With my southern swing schedule I just finished my first 7 days on stretch before my days off.  As I got ready to return I assumed I was ready. My last radiation treatment was December 7. That gave me two weeks to rest up. That should be plenty to let my body recover. I figured I would hit the ground running and it would be situation normal. Steady as she goes.  I may have overestimated my recovery and readiness just a bit. 

It felt good to be back. In 40 years at work, 10 weeks off is the most time I have ever missed. I eased back in as best as I could. I work in a paper mill. Blue collar. Lots of walking. Usually 10,000 plus steps. In steel toed shoes, hard hat, high vis clothes, cut resistant gloves and of course a mask. On and off a forklift. Readying railcars for product. Opening and closing railcar doors. Fairly physical work. When the railcars ship out doors in the train shed are obviously open. So it gets a bit chilly. It’s December in Wisconsin. It’s warm. It’s cold. Days are never the same. 

Day one went okay. I was a little tired by the end of my shift. But not bad. I chalked it up to not being accustomed to waking up at 4:30 a.m. My sleep quality is still not exactly optimal so I figured I would be a bit tuckered out. I got some running and riding in the first few days back. Nothing out of the ordinary. At least I didn’t feel it was. 

Things slowly started adding up day by day. Sleep suffered. Quality and amount. The joint pain I had earlier has returned with a vengeance. The last couple days the fatigue was honestly overwhelming. I actually fell asleep mid conversation. Not listening. Talking! Toss in a couple crappy commutes in snowy conditions. I was beat. I was angry at myself for not hitting my workouts. I was depressed. 

Now of course I kept training. A couple days running. A few Zwift rides. There might have even been a day of doubling up. I felt slow. Legs of lead while running. The rides weren’t much better. Trying to hit certain wattages felt tough. Tougher than it should have felt. I kept pushing for a few days. Hey, I have never claimed to be smart. Stubborn, yes. Smart, no! 

It was like a car wreck in slow motion. I could see things getting worse but kept ignoring the situation. I just kept hoping things would return to normal. But that wasn’t happening. 

It was time to take a step back. I’ve taken a few days away from training. A day off is rare for me. My body usually responds well to training stress. The more the better. I guess I didn’t factor in dealing with cancer and the treatments. I’m sure the lack of testosterone isn’t helping. 

The rest seems to be helping. I am still tired as hell. I still ache like hell. Sleep quality sucks. But I feel better. If that makes sense. 

I’m going to rethink my short term goals. They really aren’t overly ambitious but maybe I need to tone them down a skosh. I’m really beginning to think that 2021 will be a rebuilding year. I’ve been dealing with my cancer for all of 2020, from the first appointment and tests to today. I suppose I can’t expect to get back to the amazing fitness level I was at overnight. 😁

So if you see me ramping things up too quick feel free to knock me down a peg or two. I apparently don’t have the sense to pay attention to common sense. 

That’s enough for now. Thanks for allowing me to vent. I needed it. Comments and questions are always welcome.   

Chapter Two

 

I'll bet you'll be glad when I return to work so I don't have so much time to sit and think! And write!

Let's move on to some more positive posts. Looking ahead. Starting over. Moving on. Putting the past truly behind. Reset. 

I really like that last idea. Reset. I wish it was that simple. Push a button and start fresh. I know it isn't going to be that easy. I know I have some hard work ahead of me. I am still amazed at how much I've lost and how fast it disappeared. I have been keeping active, running and riding, but the fitness slipped through my fingers. 

The effects of the radiation therapy are slowly fading away . They are not entirely gone but definitely fading. I still have to deal with the effects of the Lupron injection. Shutting down testosterone production and training isn't an ideal combination. The research and reading I've been doing are somewhat positive though. The opinion is to definitely keep exercising. I was told to keep up weight bearing exercise due to the chance of losing bone density. Running. Weight lifting. Keep the bones strong. I haven't been to the gym since late spring. That was one chance I didn't want to risk with COVID-19 and cancer. I've been rethinking that lately. Maybe hitting the gym at off hours. I returned to work on December 21. Back on day shift. I could probably roust my lazy ass out of bed and hit the gym before work. It shouldn't be to packed at 4:00 a.m.  And I will still be wearing a mask. Just to start slowly. I know I've lost muscle mass. I may not be able to put on piles of muscle but it would be nice to just hold steady or gain back a small amount. 

I've also let my running slide. More than I should. And that is entirely my fault. My last really good run was at the end of September. I tossed a hard 5K in the middle of my run. 23:40. 7:37 pace. I hadn't run that fast since.... well I honestly can't remember. I anchored a triathlon relay leg in the fall of 2019 and didn't run that fast. But apparently the hormone therapy hadn't caught up in September AND I hadn't started radiation. My pace, energy and endurance went downhill faster than an Olympic bobsled. Which pissed me off and frustrated the hell out of me. So instead of suffering I spent more time on the bike(s). It seemed easier on my body. Less aches. Plus I could coast occasionally. When I eventually got to the top of the hill.  I could go farther with less effort, which made a huge difference some days. Maybe I should have sucked it up and done shorter runs at an easier pace. Some days it didn't matter what I did, it just sucked. And I couldn't wrap my tiny, proud, middle of the pack, weekend athlete, man brain around the fact that I was sick and my body was under stress.  If you're a "serious" recreational athlete ( and I use that phrase very loosely ) you know what I mean. The fatigue/tiredness/feeling of dragging an anchor hasn't let up-yet. I'm hoping that with time it will.  

Thus begins what I'm going to call Chapter Two. The Comeback. I'm going to be smart about this comeback. And patient. I do know I won't be back to pre-cancer Dustin overnight. I honestly don't know what to expect. I do believe I will be back to where I was. I'm hopeful I will be back stronger. Right now I'm happy to be running and riding. Despite all the grumbling and grousing, I'm happy. I'm sure I will get frustrated. I just need to work on that patience! I'm going to bastardize a Lance Armstrong quote and say all my days are good. Some are just better than others. 

My short term goals are realistic. I keep thinking they are too easy. But they're not. I need realistic and attainable goals. They may seem easy to some but I have to start somewhere. I'm starting my running with a 5K plan. I've set a goal for a 29:00 5K by March 13. That's 9:20 pace. To me that seems slow. Maybe I should say to the "old" me that seems slow. To 2020 me it means I have some work to do. This isn't a given. I need the goal and structure to keep me honest and get me out the door. If for some reason it starts getting easy, and I don't think it will, I can adjust the plan. By the middle of March my Lupron injection should be wearing off and I should be getting some testosterone in my system. Hopefully this will give me some energy and I'll be able to build some muscle mass again. I guess it's a game of wait and see.

My short term goal for the bike is get some power and endurance back. Again, I know my goals seem easy and a bit low. Again, I assure you they're not. I did a short FTP test on Zwift on December 13. I won't mention my result. I'm not happy. But it's a starting point. I would like to sneak in a race or two in 2021 and I need some goals and structure to get me to the starting line and over the finish line. 

At this point I believe 2021 will be a rebuilding year for me. I will be entering a new age group (60-64) at the beginning of the year. To me that means new competition and a chance for new PB's. I don't plan on setting the world on fire. But I want to be competitive. That doesn't mean winning. It means doing the best I can. Maybe a step faster than 2020 me. If that's DFL, fine. I can deal with that as long as I give it my all. 

I'll also be honest and admit I don't know what 2021 will bring health-wise. I believe I have kicked cancer's ass. We'll see. I don't have another follow up visit until the beginning of March. Until then it's wait and see. In "The Rancid Walnut" R. Steven Heaps wrote that PSA stands for Periodic Simulation of Anxiety. That's what it will be like until March! Whatever 2021 brings, Chapter Two will be interesting. 

Thanks again for following this crazy journey. It's a story I never imagined writing. Now I can't imagine not chronicling it. …”sometimes we don’t reveal our secret stories for ourselves but for others whose secret stories are the same-and the secret wants out.” (Michael Perry-Montaigne In Barn Boots)

Leave comments. Ask questions. I'll address any and all of them. With more information than you might want!

FUCK CANCER!

Thoughts and thanks. Friends and family. New and old.

Bear with me on this one. It was more difficult to write than I imagined. I had to deal with a myriad of emotions. And I still am!

My last day of radiation therapy for prostate cancer was December 7. I began treatment on October 14. Prior to that I began hormone therapy to block my testosterone on September 4. And to begin this whole interesting ride I had robotic assisted prostate surgery on May 5. If I had to really nail down the day it all began I would say it began on February 28 with the results of my biopsy. Lots of dates to remember. Trust me, they are all chiseled in my head. 

 I had no idea what to expect  when I started.  None! I mistakenly believed I would sail through with no changes to my life. Boy was I wrong. Some side effects and treatments were worse than others. The one constant throughout all of this was people. That seems like a pretty broad subject. Let me try and break it down. 

To say I was nervous heading in to surgery is putting it mildly. Scared is a better term. My only other surgery was to fix a hernia. Outpatient surgery. In and out the same day. No big deal. This was a level of scared I have never dealt with. They were going to take out something that was trying to kill me. No real guarantees what would be found until the doctor got in there. In the days leading up to surgery I tried to act like it was no big deal. Believe me when I say I'm a pretty good actor. What helped immensely was family, friends and coworkers. Whether they knew it or not they really kept me occupied and kept my mind off of the seriousness. Some riding and running in the days leading up to surgery really helped keep my overactive mind quiet. 

Surgery went well. I can’t thank enough my doctor, the nurses and all the others involved in my care and recovery. I like to think being a model patient made their job easier. 😁

Once I returned home and began my recovery I was honestly amazed by the care and concern of my friends and family. It’s said (not sure by whom) that you really find your true friends when you’re down. Tammy and I totally believe it! Care packages arrived. Food was delivered. Calls, emails and texts were received and shared. It was all appreciated beyond words. 

Especially when COVID was added to the heap to complicate matters. 

The lull between surgery and hormone therapy and radiation treatments had people constantly checking in with us. I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard “if there is anything you need.” 

When radiation treatment started people continued to reach out. Offers to help with the drive back and forth to Appleton every day if needed. Constant reminders of “you’ve got this.” Easy bike rides with very patient friends. Coworkers checking in to let me know what I was missing. 😂 Family politely reminding me to take it easy. 

When my treatment wrapped up the response from people was a bit overwhelming. I don’t know any other way to say it. I was at a loss for words. Hard to tell that right now, isn’t it?! I won’t even try to mention everyone and everything. Just know that Tammy and I are grateful for it all. 

I have to send huge thanks to everyone involved my care and treatment. From the beginning Tammy and I were always kept up to date and informed. The surgery team was awesome and my care was outstanding. 

All the follow up visits were excellent. 

Once I started radiation treatment I experienced a level of care, concern and compassion that blew me away. I had a simulation prior to starting and a lengthy discussion with a nurse and Dr. Ray, my radiation oncologist. I was still nervous as hell walking in Thedacare Regional Cancer Center on that first day. I didn’t know what to expect. All the possible side effects were swirling through my head along with a multitude of other unpleasant thoughts. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle 38 days. My fears were 99 percent unfounded-some of the side effects weren’t! Everyone in that building went above and beyond to make me feel comfortable. Pleasant. Friendly. Compassionate. Caring. So many other qualities to help settle my nerves and make the visits as easy as possible. As the days passed I felt like I was part of a new family. From the temperature scanner at the door remembering me day to day, and over weekends, to the registration check in team who many days had my information at hand before I could even verify my name and birthdate, to everyone in what I'm going to call "Area 4." 

Here's how my day usually went. I arrived usually a bit early for my 10:00 a.m. treatment. I headed in and would get my temperature scan at the door. It was the same two or three people. By the end of the second week, they knew me. Along with all the same questions they tried to change it up to see if people were actually listening or just giving the same answers out of habit. "How was supper last night? Did it taste good? Everything stay down okay?" Little things made the days easier! Then it was up to registration. After the first day, I would be handed a swipe card to enter the radiation treatment area. It has a separate waiting area. As I mentioned above, by about the second week they would see me coming and would usually have all my information up on their computer. Name and birthdate. Hand me a swipe card and away I would go. Always friendly and polite. Once back in the radiation area I would try to hang up my coat and sit for a minute before they came and got me. Most days I wasn't very successful. Even being up to 15 minutes early some days I rarely waited. It was the same group of techs every day. And another amazing group. They always checked to see how I felt. How was I doing? Plans for the day? How was your weekend? When I did my ride home from Appleton they wanted to know how it went. Was I nuts? One was a runner so that day would end up talking about training and racing. I felt like a person and not just a patient. Trust me, there is a HUGE difference. Tuesdays were the days I saw the doctor. Dr. Ray and his nurse were always positive and concerned. Always checking for problems, side effects or anything out of the ordinary. My questions were answered straightforwardly. Maybe not what I wanted to hear but no beating around the exam room. After my approximately 15 minute visit I was done for the day. Many days I was out of the building before my appointment time! Towards the end I started getting questioned-"How many days left?" From the volunteers doing temperature scans to registration and all the way through. It felt good to hear those personal questions. I also had a nurse liaison who checked in with Tammy and me. Always inquiring about how my treatments were going. Was there anything we needed? Anything they could do? Did we need help with getting to and from appointments?  Like I said, it felt like a new family, albeit one I never imagined I would be a part of.

I haven't said much about my last appointment. It still brings up some very strong emotions. It started even before I entered the building. There are signs outside the door and in the parking lot. Positive and hopeful. "You've got this." "We are so proud of you." I had been looking at those every day. When I checked in and got my swipe card I was told "congratulations, you've done great." I had a certificate of completion from the entire staff. After I saw Dr. Ray I was asked if I wanted to ring the bell. Damn right!! Some of the staff followed outside. Tammy and my son Travis were there also. Ringing that bell was one of the proudest and most emotional moments of my life. To say a few tears were shed is an understatement. 

Wow, this has become a bit long winded, even for me. Bear with me. I'm getting there. 

I guess where I'm headed is what (or who) helped get me through this. I seriously wouldn't have had as easy a time as I did without friends and family. If I don't personally mention you, trust me, you are appreciated more than you know. It's just been a bit overwhelming at times!

First family. My wife Tammy has stood by me from day one. You may think that's just natural, but I don't necessarily believe that. When the shit hits the fan some partners just can't or won't deal with things. Tammy put up with me through good and bad days, and trust me there were days I wasn't the model patient. Her support, belief and love were the light that kept me going! To the moon......

My parents were amazing. Offering support and strength. Positive phone calls with laughter and stories. Thanksgiving food to-go plates. Cookies-way too many of those! The constant check-ins were amazing. 

My sisters. Trish, the quiet one who stood beside me while dealing with her own issues. Tacit love and strength I always knew was there. And then there is the vocal one! Amy. Princess High and Mighty Queen Bee Told You So Boss of the World. And I mean that in a very proud and loving way. When my stubbornness got out of hand and I tried to do more than was sensible she quickly swooped in and reminded me what an idiot I was. Kindly and caringly. I think there were days that she and Tammy ganged up on me! 

Tammy's brothers. Bob and his family. Mark and his family. Always checking in to see what's what and what's needed. 

Our kids. And I do mean Our Kids. Lara, Chelsea, Travis and Glenn. And their better halves. And all the grandkids. From care packages, custom t-shirts, custom Team Sven/Fuck Cancer sign, video chats, texts, and socially distant visits, they were bright rays of sunshine. They mad me laugh and cry, sometimes at the same time! And they occasionally chastised me too when I got to big for my britches!

Friends. Wow, where to start?! Todd and Suzanne. Their friendship was another shining star. From slow roll bike rides for beer to care packages and everything in between. They never let me get down or let me take myself too seriously. I mean, c'mon. They patiently dragged my tired butt through a gravel ride in the middle of an October snow squall. That's friendship!! Seriously though, it's said when the chips are down you find out who your friends are. 

Mike, Julie and Ruby. Always checking in and supportive. And because green Jello is for boys!

Myles, whose slightly frightening visage I am staring at now. Don't ask. Checking in. Meeting for a beer to keep an eye on me. Waiting for me to go take a leak so he could ask Tammy, "how is he really?" It seemed like he knew when I needed a visit.

Becky and John. Keeping tabs and reminding me this isn't the end of the road (or trail.) 

Rachel and Ben. For all the check ins and a rare opportunity to race. Gentlemen's pace my ass!

Our neighbors, Pam and Roger. Checking in and keeping track of us. And shaking their heads as I headed out for another ride or run! Good neighbors are hard to find. Great neighbors are like a needle in a haystack!

So many other friends keeping tabs on us and sending positive thoughts. It seems like an endless list some days and Tammy and I are so grateful for all of you. 

Friends and groups on social media were a help too. Members of Mind Over Matter Alphas and Fxck Endurance Club. A thumbs up here and there did more than you can imagine. And realizing that I'm not the only one who is going through some shit!! Some days that really put things in perspective! Two groups I never thought I would be a part of and damn proud to be a member now!

The list is seemingly endless, at least to me. When I step away for a moment another name and memory pops up. Tammy and I are truly fortunate to have all of you in our life. This wasn't fun, but it was easier with all of you. When life returns to normal there will be a driveway fire and adult beverages to share. If you are a part of this story, you're invited. And if you weren't directly involved and want to see how so many great people can change one life, you're invited too!!

Done! Okay, now what?

I am done! Finished! I have completed 38 days of radiation treatment for prostate cancer. 5 days a week for 7 1/2 weeks. I did get a day off on Thanksgiving. Approximately 15 minutes a day. I got to know the people I saw everyday. And they got to know me, on a first name basis.  So…now what? That’s the $64,000 question, isn’t it? At least it is for me. 

First on the agenda is to get healthy. Wait, isn’t that what I have been doing? Yes…but…maybe I should say get back to where I feel healthy. Back to where I feel like the old me, minus the cancer. 

I went in to radiation therapy with the belief that I was going to proceed with life as normal. Situation status quo. I may have been wrong?😮 Imagine that! It took a few weeks but the side effects finally began to rear their ugly heads. Fatigue was the worst for me. The hot flashes from the Lupron shot are really affecting my sleep. I am really happy when I get two straight hours of sleep before I am awakened soaking wet. It doesn't last  long and I generally fall asleep again, once I've risen and toweled off. And then it happens again. Repeat three or four times a night. I usually sneak in a short nap sometime during the day but the fatigue slowly builds up. It will be late spring before the side effects of the Lupron subside. I can't wait to sleep through the night! 😴

I can't wait to be rid of the joint pain and aches from the Lupron injection. These seem to be completely random in occurrence. Day to day activity seems to have no rhyme or reason to their happening. When it does occur it can be a dull ache or feel like somebody is trying to pull my joints apart, mainly the hips or knees, but it has flared up in almost every joint. I know I'm old and things ache, but c'mon!! It will be nice to have the usual aches and pains of getting older and from a hard workout.

I can't wait to get some muscle strength and stamina back. Another wonderful side effect of Lupron is loss of muscle mass. Testosterone can help fuel prostate cancer cells. Lupron blocks testosterone. which affects lean muscle mass. I figured that I would just bypass that side effect along with the others. I may have misjudged again. I didn't notice it at first, but like fatigue, it slowly crept up on me. And then it kicked my ass! Two races on the same course brought the realization home for me. The first one was before my injection and radiation therapy began. Two hard and fast laps at the Brown County Reforestation Camp on August 15. I felt strong. Fast. I flowed through the single track. I powered up the punchy climbs. My second lap was only forty-seven seconds slower that the first. I felt great. As close to that mystical sense of being in the “zone” as I have been in a very long time. The second race was seven weeks after my injection and two and one half weeks after radiation therapy began. November 1. Same course, mostly. One lap. I felt tired and slow right off the start line. The same little climbs from August felt like mountains. I usually spin out my single speed on the two track sections. Not so this day. I felt slow and clumsy on the bike when I usually feel like the bike and I are one. I had a little "incident" while the first place rider in our age class and I were pushing through the single track. When I saw Tom riding away I just quit. Mentally and physically. Normally I would have chased until I exploded. It just wasn't there. Not that I didn't want to push. I couldn't push. My one lap that day was slower than either lap in August. The perceived effort was so much higher in November. Looking at other information (heart rate, cadence, speed) it shows that my treatment was catching up. I prefer to think of it as my treatment was working and my body was doing all it could. 

I am planning (hoping) to get back to where I was in late 2019/early 2020. At Reforestation in 2019 I ran a 5K trail race before the mountain bike race. That wasn't even an option this year. At least I realized that! Now, before everybody jumps all over me, I plan on coming back slow and smart. 2021 may end up being a total rebuild/recover year. I know my health and fitness won't come back overnight. There are a couple other side effects I would like to rid from my body. I hope to get my energy level back to normal. I need to shed a few pounds (another jolly side effect of Lupron-weight gain. Less muscle mass, more ass!)  I would like to get back to the point where the climbs around Waupaca don't feel like the Swiss Alps. I hate to admit but I have been to the point where I considered walking up a couple hills. I'm hoping to race in 2021. I’ll be entering a new age group. Hopefully a real pin on a bib event. I won't make any guarantees on my competitiveness. But you can be damn sure I will give it my all. 

My plan is to take a few weeks now and relax. I need to process what I’ve been through. I need to get back to work and pay some bills. Maybe sneak in some easy rides and runs, preferably outside. Beginning January 1, 2021 it will be time to get serious. I need to sit down and work on a plan. Set some concrete goals. Research some races to work towards. I need to work on getting some strength back while I get back to my fighting weight. Some flexibility would help with the stiffness and aches. It will be an uphill battle but it can’t be harder than kicking cancer’s ass! 

Well…that’s all I have for now. Unfortunately I do have more to say. I just need time to put those thoughts in to words. There really is a lot swirling around my little brain today. Once I sort out some thoughts and emotions I will put finger to keyboard. 

Thank you to everyone who has followed along so far. The trip isn’t over. This is just the first leg of the journey. I appreciate all the reads and comments. I’m also up for any questions. 

And one more time- FUCK CANCER!  

Frustration

It's me!! That's who!! Did you guess? 

Even though I've preached and written about patience, acceptance and remaining positive, I still struggle. I'm human. I occasionally push harder than is wise. I still look back at pre-cancer me and expect to be that person. This probably seems like I am constantly repeating the same topics and issues. I'm hoping that by continually purging my busy little brain that I'll make some sense and eventually listen to myself. 

That means today I'm visiting, or maybe revisiting frustration. I had good and bad days all rolled in to one this past weekend. I did a run each morning. I followed that up with some yoga and core work. After I refueled I finished each day off with a bike ride. None of these were hard, fast or far. Saturday was a beautiful day by central Wisconsin standards for the end of November. Close to 50 degrees and sunshine. I did my ride with Tammy and some of my favorite back roads. Sunday wasn't as nice but I almost replicated Saturday. So why the frustration you ask? You did ask, right?

For me it can be tied to the above not far, fast or hard. Especially during my run each day. I kept glancing at my watch and the pace and heart rate it was showing. I keep comparing my running to the half marathon I ran in the middle of September. Before you all jump on my back, yes I know things have changed. I hadn't started radiation yet. I had a pacer/company on that day. The weather was really perfect. I do know these things. And it still frustrates the hell out of me. I ran hard on Sunday. It felt hard. I could have maybe pushed faster but not much. I was almost 45 seconds per mile slower for 3 miles as I was for my half marathon. And I hurt! That's one reason I added the yoga. Otherwise I probably would be sorer and stiffer than I am today. 

The rides felt the same. I keep comparing them to the race I did in the middle of August. Yeah, again, I know. Things have changed. I felt so strong in August. 20 plus miles of single track on my single speed. It felt effortless. I was as close to being in the zone as I've been in years. Saturday was a decent ride. I rode with Tammy and we enjoyed that 50 degree weather. Not far or fast but it was a good ride. Sunday's ride was totally different. I knew from the start it was going to be a battle. The wind felt relentless and cold. I had plans for a longer ride but wisely chose a route that allowed me shortcuts if needed. And it was needed. I came close to walking up a hill that I used to fly up. It took me almost twice as long as usual. That was the point I knew it was time to head for home. 

Okay, again, I know I'm not quite the rider/runner I was a few months ago. I know (hope) it will come back. It just is so frustrating to work so hard and feel like I'm going backwards. It's hard for my tiny brain to accept that my body is working hard just to get healthy. Believe me, I constantly tell myself to relax and just be glad to be able to ride and run at all. And it is a battle, but I think I'm finally relaxing and allowing myself some slack. 

My last couple rides to start this week were better. I got back on the trainer and did a couple rides on Zwift. I even did a virtual race. Granted down a category or two from my last Zwift events but I relaxed and just played around. 

I started December with a cold loop around the Hartman Creek single track with Tammy. Easy peasy. I felt good. Dare I say even a little stronger than normal.

I'm hoping some easy days and the end of radiation treatments will start nudging me back to normal. I'm not expecting huge improvements. It's going to be spring before the hormone therapy shot begins to wear off. So, I'll have good and bad days. And continue to be frustrated on occasion, but the end is in sight. And I won't give up or stop trying. Slow and steady, right? I seem to be good at that!

Thanks for following my endless ramblings. I appreciate it. It helps me work out my feelings and thoughts. As always, comments and questions are always welcome.

Until next time....get out and run, ride, or whatever gets you moving. Oh yeah, and FUCK CANCER!

Listen up boy!!

Welcome back!

When I began this post I felt the need to do a little more mental purging. Not sure why. Maybe the craptastic weather - mid 30's and 35 mph wind gusts. Apparently I'm not as hardy as I imagine myself to be. So instead of putting on my big boy pants and venturing outside, I began to empty my mind. 

After my post about acceptance I have realized I'm not doing very well on that front. I'm a little hard of hearing. And I've been told I'm a bit stubborn. I need to listen to what my body is trying to tell me. I'm trying but most days I am having a hard time accepting that I can't keep up. That I can't hit my goal paces. That I can't ride or run the distance I would like. 

I know that I need to relax. Believe me, multiple people remind almost every day that my body is fighting and trying to heal. And I know that. It seems that my mind doesn't want to listen to my body. 

It's a battle I've been fighting as long as I can recall. I've lined up on the start line of a 40 mile mountain bike race after being told I should be under bed rest for back spasms. I started a cross country ski race with a fever up around 101°F. I've apparently broken and cracked bones and continued riding, running and working out (that's what my latest bone scan showed.) I guess I don't listen well!

Lately the weather is my biggest enemy. In central Wisconsin the weather has been very fall-like. Except for a few nice days in the 70's it has been cold and windy. Most days not enough to keep me inside but enough to make riding or running, shall we say, interesting. I generally try and head out in to the wind. And try to just go easy and not let Mother Nature get me down. I've had two rides recently where I didn't do well on that front. The headwinds frustrated me. Pissed me off. I almost let it defeat me. I kept looking down at my Garmin and seeing my speed. WTF! That can't be right! A little uphill and a headwind and I'm almost down to single digits. And there's nothing more in the tank. 

My Thursday ride and Friday run last week were perfect examples of my stubbornness and difficulty realizing that I'm not pre-radiation Dustin. I probably put in more miles than was wise on Thursday. The wind on my way out to Saxeville seemed to suck the energy out of my legs. I got home and admitted to Tammy that I almost gave up. I wanted to walk up a hill on Long Lake Road I would normally power up. I damn near got out my phone and called for a ride home. I seriously wanted to quit. That has never happened before. My run Friday was no better. I tried, key word tried to do my 5K scheduled workout. It called for a 10 minute warmup, 1.5 mile time trial and 10 minute cool down. All I can say is that it was very humbling. I'll admit it was a pretty good uphill run on the Wau-King trail heading up to the High School. Still.....my little time trial felt ridiculously hard. It felt like race pace. I won't even add the pace. My heart rate was higher than it should have been for the pace. By the time I went for a ride Saturday I was depressed and beaten. Another headwind. I did my best to relax and not look at my speed. I will admit I did better than I thought I would. I kept telling myself it's just a damn ride! Be glad you're out riding! Once I got the wind behind me I actually enjoyed the ride. I didn't feel better. Any hard effort was immediately rewarded with an instant loss of energy. The remainder of Saturday was spent on the couch napping while my body tried to recover. 

This week hasn't been much better on the listening front. I did a virtual duathlon on Thursday. I couldn't believe how slow and clumsy I felt both riding and running. Today, Friday I went for a little road ride. I know I probably shouldn't have but......again, I struggled with the wind. And felt horrible. Depressed. Demoralized. Actually angry with myself. I tried to relax and just spin. It worked a bit but then I'd look down and see single digits as I went up hill. Deep down my brain just won't let my body relax. I have some ideas as to why, but I'll bore you with that at another time!

My goal for the next week is to listen to my body. Really listen. And then take what my body will allow for that day. If it says "relax, rest and nap" then I will do that. If it says "let's go really easy today and just enjoy" I will do that. I'm going to pay attention and finally listen. I know I need to rest, recover and heal but that doesn't mean total inactivity. I need to listen and find that fine line to balance my days. I need to listen when my body wants to call it quits and then decide if it really has had enough or if I'm just being a big weanie! 

Just so it doesn't seem like all I do is whine, I am listening! I rode Tuesday, November 17. And it truly wasn't a good day. Instead of packing it in I relaxed and worked on flowing through the local single track. It didn't pay to push because I didn't have any push in me. So I guess I can be taught! Baby steps. 

Wish me luck!!

As always, thank you for following this endless stream of babbling, whining and purging. It helps me cope in a weird kind of way! Comments, questions and pleas to just shut up are always welcome!

Svenofthenorth

Progress

 Before everyone goes and blames me for blathering on and on on a more frequent basis, this blog post can be blamed on a friend and fellow fitness fanatic. I'd would name him or her but I don't want any harm to come to him or her!

It was suggested that the next blog subject should be the word "progress." According to Merriam-Webster, as a noun one definition is "gradual betterment." Using it as a verb it has one definition of "to move forward."

After my last post about acceptance this does seem like a natural progression! (See what I did there?) And progress goes hand in hand with acceptance. 

I am certainly not the runner, cyclist or especially human being I was at the beginning of this year. I can accept that. Really! And I know I will progress. 

It may be slow at first. I will probably (definitely) back slide too. But I will eventually move forward. I just need to be patient. Hmmm...maybe I should delve deeper in to that word in a future post. 

I'm hoping to progress to where I was at the beginning of the year. And then beyond that. I had a strong start to 2020 in my humble and uneducated opinion. I started the year doing a half marathon program using Zwift on the gym treadmill. I felt strong most days. My paces and distances were progressing nicely. I added in weight work a few days per week and saw my strength and the weights and reps progressing. I even managed to sneak in some time outside on the bike. Never far or fast but enough to keep the hunger alive for sunny spring miles. I felt like everything was on track for a strong 2020. In retrospect I think that in the deepest and darkest corners of my pessimistic mind I knew what was ahead. It’s possible I was pushing harder than I had in a while because I was afraid it was going to end. I had my first appointment with my urologist on January 6. By the end of February I had my diagnosis. And I was still moving forward. Feeling strong. Making progress. I knew surgery and the ensuing recovery were ahead so I was doing all I could. After surgery in May I tried to relax and remain calm. I took my recovery slow. I started another half marathon plan and slowly made progress. I did my 5 hour virtual run. I had a strong race on my single speed. I was moving forward. 

Then I started hormone therapy and radiation treatments in mid October. At this writing I am just over halfway through. I am aware of all the possible side effects. But I thought my fitness and general overall good health would minimize them. And that I would keep making progress. And I am horribly wrong. It took a couple of weeks but my earlier progress became steady as she goes. Then it became hanging on with all I had. And now I am trying to limit my losses. Progress becomes regress. What was effortless a few months ago is now damn near unthinkable. At best, I know it will stay this way. At worst, it will get worse. The two events I did since starting this regimen certainly brought me back to earth. I was amazed at how quickly I have regressed. 

But, eventually progress will find it’s way back. Slowly but surely. It will take time. That’s where patience comes in. Honestly, I’m secretly hoping that while I’m pushing during treatment that I can come back stronger than before. Or at least make progress quicker and smoother. But, I will eventually begin making progress again. 2021 brings new challenges, hopefully some races and a new age group. Look out 60+ I plan on kicking some ass. I can smack talk a little. It will help push me to progress once I kick cancer’s ass. And that is one front I believe I am making progress on. Every day brings me closer to being cancer free. That may be soon or in the distant future, but I am making progress!

So there you go. I hope you are happy Becky. Oops!!

Thanks again for reading. Comments and questions are welcome. 

Svenofthenorth

 

Acceptance

 

Acceptance. According to Merriam-Webster :  the act of accepting something or someone. Apparently I have an issue with this word. And I just came to this realization. Maybe I should also look up stubborn. Or pig-headed. 

Why the sudden eye opening? Well…I’ll try to keep this short. I promise. 

I went for a run this morning. After another day of radiation therapy. I wasn’t going to run. Honest. But I couldn’t waste the day. Sunshine. A little breeze. Somewhere around 70 degrees. In November! I had to do something, right? You understand, right?

I stopped in Medina at the Wiouwash State Trail. It is a rail trail, built on a former rail corridor. Generally straight as an arrow. Little elevation change. Gravel and dirt so it’s easy on the body. I haven’t been keeping up with the 5K program that I started after my half marathon plan completion. Today was supposed to be an easy day. Pace 9:33-10:33. Perfect conditions and course, right? 

Well, I won’t say it was a total fail, but it wasn’t a bona fide success either. I started easy and felt good. Better than I have in a while. I felt comfortable. Nothing hurt. Form felt good. The first couple miles went by smoothly. I started feeling “off” about the time I turned around. I stopped once to get a rock out of my shoe, at least that’s my excuse. I kept looking at my watch. For me that’s a sign I’m tired. The last two miles were a slog. I finished seven tough miles. I know that what’s fast for some is slow for others. But I felt slow. At the end of September I ran a half marathon with an average pace of 8:47. A week or so later I popped off my fastest 5K in years at a 7:37 pace. Suffice it to say today was nowhere near either of those. And felt so much harder. 

On my ride home the notion of acceptance crept in. I do realize I’m training, if that’s even the correct word, under unique circumstances. I need to accept that. Accept that I can still run. I can still ride. Still hike. Still enjoy the outdoors. I need to accept that my body isn’t at 100 per cent. I need to accept, adapt and listen to my body. Some days are good. Some days are not so good. And some days are a total shit show. I need to remember that rest is part of training. I need to learn to allow myself to beat this, heal and get healthy. I need to accept that I will have bad days but better days are ahead. I need to accept that I can’t keep comparing latter day Sven to today’s Sven. Or comparing myself to others. Trust me, I am trying. To my close friends and family, I will do my best to quit complaining and be happy with what my body will give day to day. 

Even after this revelation some days this concept is easier for me to deal with than others. This past Sunday was a perfect example. I had planned to ride with some friends at Standing Rock County Park. It was an amazing fall day. Sunny. Mid 70’s. Perfect day for some single track. But…Saturday night was a mess. Little sleep, and what sleep I did get was interrupted by hot flashes. I finally gave up around 4:30 a.m. Exhausted and disgusted. I knew that riding would be a bad decision. So I didn’t. And that bothered me. I thought maybe some fresh air and yard work would invigorate me. The fresh air felt good but didn’t help. Tammy and I were supposed to ride with Todd and Suzanne in the afternoon. And again, no ride. Twice in one day. By the end of the day I was done. Physically, emotionally and mentally. 

Monday was better. Tammy and I did a little walk after radiation. I got in a road ride in the afternoon. Even a flat tire couldn’t ruin my day or mood. I accepted what my body wanted to hand me and didn’t push past that. Tomorrow? Who knows. But I will do my best to accept it. 

Hopefully all of you can accept me. Good days, bad days and in between. I am trying!

Thanks for reading. As always, comments and questions are welcome. 

Svenofthenorth

Keeping my head up

Welcome back! It's been a while and you know what that means-it's time to brush the cobwebs away and empty my mind. Time for an update. I'm sure these updates are a little boring and tedious for my readers but they do help me. It helps to put thoughts, feeling and emotions on paper, or computer screen to be accurate. It helps me process all of the above. 

I'm just finishing up week three of radiation treatments. Fifteen days done. Twenty-three to go. It seems like an interminable time to me some days but the end is almost within sight. Everything is going well, at least in my humble layman's opinion. The side effects are getting more pronounced as the days pass. The hot flashes are more numerous. Enough to wake me out of a dead sleep. Needless to say my sleep quality isn't up to par. Unfortunately the fatigue is catching up to me so the occasional nap helps keep me alert through the day. Add in some muscle fatigue and joint pain on random days. And a couple other very interesting and at first disconcerting side effects to keep me on my toes. Nothing out of the ordinary according to the doctor. As whiny as that sounds I really do feel good. I haven't changed my normal routine much at all. All my treatments are at 10:00 a.m. so that once I'm home I have the day to do what I want.

As far as that goes I'm learning to listen to my body and adjust my training accordingly. If you can call it training. It's more of a go with the flow type of schedule. I'm trying to follow a 5k training plan but that's a crap shoot at best. I'll probably end up scrapping the schedule but for now it gives me a bit of structure. My running seems to be taking the brunt of my treatment plan. I had a goal pace run scheduled for last Tuesday, September 27. 5x1000m at my original goal pace of 7:39-7:49 with 200m rest. To say it was an epic fail is an understatement. Then 3x200m between 6:24-6:54. I had a difficult time staying at an 8 minute per mile pace. And it hurt. I felt slow. My form felt like I was running through pudding. I was winded beyond anything I'd felt recently. The 200m efforts were a total joke. I've never spent so much time looking at my watch hoping the interval would end. And like a dumb ass I pushed through to the end. And paid for it for a couple days. My body was not pleased. Since then I honestly am paying attention to what my body says it is capable of for the day. It may be a short ride. Today it was a relaxing walk on the Wiouwash trail with Tammy. 

Last Sunday I was hoping my body wanted to suffer and do a little race. The Stump Farm Mountain Bike race was November 1. I originally wanted to do the 20 mile 2 lap race. After riding at Hartman Creek on Friday I knew that wasn't an option. I usually use a 34x16 gear on my single speed. It allows me to climb all but the worst hills and I can still push a good speed when the trails open up. But on that Friday my legs felt like they did a few days earlier. I struggled to find the rhythm I usually feel. I just chalked it up to a few bad days and overdoing things. The day before I rode with Tammy at Hartman Creek and tested out my Checkpoint gravel bike. To say I was pleased with how it handled the trails is an understatement. I even considered racing it on Sunday but went with my tried and true Crave single speed. I thought about changing the rear cog to a 17 to make things easier. Then I thought about my last race. The Reforestation Ramble in August was on the same trails. I did the 20 mile race that day and felt damn good. That wasn't how I felt after this race. I should have put that 17 on and hoped for the best.

The race really wasn't that bad. The temperature was in the low 30's. Wind gusts around 40mph. Light snow. Sounds like fun, right?! I somehow ended up on the front line at the start. I had an uncharacteristically good start. I knew a couple of the racers in my wave and my goal was to hang with them as long as I could. Tom and Don are always strong and I hoped I could stay with them. When the course hit the first single track section I was second in behind Tom. I caught him and we put a good gap on the chasers. My legs were feeling dead right from the start. Every short punchy hill saw me lose ground to Tom only to push and catch him again. Whenever the single track emptied on to the two track Tom would shift gears, stand up and gap me. Then we'd hit another single track section and I'd push to close again. Finally about the half way point I pushed just a little too much and took a digger on a soft turn coming out of the single track. By the time I got up Tom was almost out of sight. At that point my race went from trying to hang on to trying to stay ahead. I knew Don was behind me but how far I didn't know. I did my best to keep the effort meter at close to red line but the little hills were really wearing me down. I started glancing at my cycle computer more often to guesstimate how close I was to the end. When I finally hit the finish stretch I saw a rider ahead of me. I thought it looked like Ben, a good friend I race and ride with often. I had kiddingly told him at the start that he was my rabbit. I tried my damnedest to catch him but eventually ran out of race course. He did slow a little and we almost managed to finish together. In the end I think Ben and I both were pleased with how the day went. He hasn't ridden much all year. You know my story. Ben nailed a first place in his age group. I hung on for a second in my age group. A good day all around. 

I felt pretty decent the day after. My ribs were a bit sore from my tumble. I had the normal post race phlegmy cough for a day. Legs were sore but no more than usual. I've ridden once very easy and short since. Felt good. And I listened to my body and actually cut the ride short. 

I actually waited until the very last minute to register for the race. But I got accepted to be an ambassador for another great group. Mind Over Matter Athletes. I felt I needed to live up to that image and suck it up. Everyone else was dealing with the same conditions. Embrace the suck!

So that's where I am. I honestly feel good. Staying positive. And the end is getting closer. 

Thanks for suffering through this long winded ramble. I appreciate everyone who reads these posts and follows along. It really does help me process and deal with things. 

Comments and questions are always welcome. Until next time, get out and enjoy the day. Run, ride, hike, walk ..........whatever feels good. Oh yeah............and FUCK CANCER!

 

 

WHY?

I was listening to a podcast recently and the topic of "why" came up. Why does a person run or ride or whatever? If you lose your "why" does that mean you've lost your motivation? Or lost your drive to continue during a race when things go south? Does it mean you've lost that elusive "mojo"? And it got me thinking. Hmmm....imagine that!

All that has been going on this year really got me pondering on this issue. The first "why" that popped up in my head was competition. Maybe that was my first thought due to the lack of races this year. Obviously due to COVID-19 real live pin on a bib and line up on a start line races have been rare. I did two running events before the shit hit the fan. One in February and one in March. The one in March probably snuck in just under the wire. My next actual event wasn't until mid August. That one was different due to all the safety precautions. People weren't hanging out in big groups. There were no awards presentation or post race food and beverages. It started in small ten person waves. It was safe and socially distant but still fun. Just in a different way. The next one was a gravel event in October. Pretty much the same set up. A bigger start but everyone was wearing a mask while we rolled out. Again, still a fun event. I did one virtual event which was a new animal for me. Pick a date and time. Run the time for which I registered. Post the results online. I still got some swag but everyone ran when and where they could. I don't know about everyone else but I can't push quite as hard or far by myself. I need that race day adrenaline rush. Chasing down that person in front of me or trying to put distance on the person behind. I have a hunch that this will be the new normal, at least for a while. And I'll get used to it. 

Now before I get too far I should probably define competition. For me it means toeing the start line and seeing what I can do. I don't mean racing and winning medals. I don't even mean setting PRs. It's a me vs. me kind of thing. If it's an event I've done, can I better last year's time? If it's a new event, it's how do I stack up against the locals? Like I said above, I just can't reproduce that race day feeling. Racing elbow to elbow makes me discover an extra gear. Some days. And some days it's a very humbling experience. It helps me explore how my training has gone. Which leads me to another "why". 

Training. I'll just define that as getting out the door and putting in the miles. Some days may have a purpose or goal. I may actually be trying to follow a training plan for an upcoming event. Some days it is just to be outside. Exploring new roads and trails. No time or distance goals. Sometimes it's local. Occasionally it's half way across the country.  

What really cemented my "why" was the aforementioned gravel event I just did. If you've followed this blog you know I am having a little health issue. I wasn't really sure I would or could do this event. But I had two friends doing the race. And the opportunity to ride with friends on new roads was the incentive I needed to register. Those same friends helped get me through a day when I just wasn't feeling "it." That's what friends do. If you do a lot or running, riding or other silent sports you spend a lot of alone time. And I do enjoy that. Especially lately. It helps me think. Sort through problems. Relax. Some days it helps me take out my frustrations. I'm sure some of my friends and family are raising their eyebrows right about now. Yes, I am an introvert. That's likely what pushed me to do the sports I enjoy and to continue doing them. But in the end it's friends. Meeting old ones and making new ones. Some in person and some via social media. These same friends help me train and push me when I compete. But in the end it's the simple act of friendship. I may not always be the friend I should. And I'm working on that. And my friends, online or in person, need to know how special they are. I may never say that, but you are. While I was writing this I've been staring at this:

It hangs on the side of a file cabinet in my little home "office." And it's a very special note, at least to me. I'm not used to being anybody's inspiration. I do hear that on occasion and for some reason it makes me a little uncomfortable. And a little bit proud!

So, here's to friends! Old ones. New ones. In person and online.  Making new memories and reminiscing. Pushing me when I need it and pulling me too. If I tried to list all the people I’ve shared miles with on roads and trails I’d have to have a separate post! Believe me when I say you are all my "why." 

As always, thanks for checking out my random ramblings. I appreciate it. Comments, questions and suggestions are always appreciated. But keep them friendly!!

Don't count me out yet!

 I see it's been a few weeks since my last post. I didn't get lazy or complacent. I was waiting until I had something worth writing about. Now just whether on not it's really worth posting about is definitely my personal opinion. I could probably post every day but it would get boring quick and most likely be of interest to just me. 

My last post ended with me waiting for radiation treatment to start. That began on Wednesday, October 14. That was my first of 38 treatments. 7 1/2 weeks. Monday through Friday. Approximately a 15 minute treatment. The first week and a half are various times. By October 26 I have my steady time. 10:00 a.m. In a way it's a bit like going in to work. It's about a 45 minute drive one way depending on traffic. On the plus side, my shift at ThedaCare Cancer Center is a little shorter than a normal work day. And I get Thanksgiving off! 

So far the treatments are going fine. None of the possible side effects have kicked in. Yet. At my simulation the nurse made it clear the fatigue would occur. It may take a bit to build up but she made it very clear that it would be real. That is the one side effect that might bother me. I don't usually have a lot of sit in me. I may not accomplish much some days but I usually stay busy, either at work or home. A little nap now and then is nice. Not sure how I feel about napping the day away. Before friends and family (you know who you are!) lecture me, I will be listening to my body. When it says "rest" I will obey. I've already taken more easy and down days than usual. I've said on more than one occasion that training is all about learning to adapt. And I'm doing that. Trust me.

The treatments are quick, painless and simple. At least on my end. I check in at what I'm calling my second home, ThedaCare Regional Cancer Center in Appleton. When I check in at the registration desk I am given a swipe card. I head right over to the radiation area and swipe myself in. There is a waiting room inside and I wait for the technician to call my name. Once they call me it's back to the radiation machine. I lie down and pull my sweats down enough so that they can see the tattoos. Oh yeah, did I mention I can spend most of my day in sweats! I suppose that's one plus! Then I lie there as the machine does it's work. No pain or discomfort. Maybe long enough for a cat nap if I am lucky. Then I'm done! I can finally empty my bladder, which is usually at code yellow. If I didn't mention that before I have to have a full bladder. That can make for an interesting drive to Appleton. Everyone is friendly, helpful, polite and positive, from the person taking temperatures at the door to the techs. This makes a stressful situation easier to handle. So far so good. It's still early but I'm am feeling great.

Speaking of making my days better, I had a surprise visit from our daughter Lara and the girls-Kaelyn, Aria and Everly. They came down with a little care package to brighten my day. It's simple things like this that make this just a bit easier with which to deal. 

As for feeling great, I felt good enough to do a little gravel race on Saturday, October 17. Red Granite Grinder was held in Wausau. The temperature was in the low to mid 30's. A little breeze. And SNOW! Yes, I said snow. The start was in a steady snow. Covering the bridges leading out of town to make things interesting. The trail sections were snow covered and tough. The gravel roads were wet and muddy. And it was a blast. To add to the challenging and memorable conditions and make the day better I rode with two good friends. Todd and Suzanne Meerdink pushed me up hills and pulled me down the gravel roads all morning. My riding partners made the whole day! To top off the day Suzanne was second woman overall and first in her age group. I managed a first in my age group too. I know I keep saying it but it wouldn't have happened without Todd and Suzanne. I probably would still be wandering the back roads after my Garmin refused to work! Of course Tammy was there as support crew to make sure the day went smoothly and that all boxes were checked and nothing was left at home ("do you have your boots?")

That's all I have for now. It was a good week, all things considered. Monday it all starts again. And I'll deal with it one day at a time. I'm sure I'll have a less than stellar day here and there. I just realize there are others who are dealing with much worse and not complaining. I don't have it too bad! As always, thanks for reading and following along. Questions and comments are always welcome. 

Tattoo Tuesday

 Hi! Welcome back. It’s been a few weeks since I posted an update. There hadn’t been a whole lot going on so I kept quiet. Amazing, I know! But…now that I have had time to think, here I go again. 

In my last post I wrote about receiving my Lupron injection and how I was ready to cope with the side effects. I may have been a little premature when I said they weren’t a big deal. The first week wasn’t bad. I’ve got this! Week two rolled around and I was very wrong. I had a couple days where I was sure that someone or something was trying to pull my joints apart. It was a constant and deep pain. Biofreeze was my friend. Arthritis strength Tylenol was part of my diet. For a few days I chalked the pain up to my half marathon training program. The only problem was that I was starting to taper. Mileage and effort were going down. And yet I hurt. Hurt almost to the point of tears. I hate to admit that. I like to think that I have a high pain tolerance. Maybe not quite as high as I thought. I continued running and riding, which actually helped. I finished my program with my own personal solo race. I squeezed out a 1:53:57 half marathon. Not blazing fast and just under my goal. I’ve never been good at hard all out efforts without some competition, so I was happy with the result. It didn’t hurt that Tammy rode along to help pace/push/pull me. Now that I have completed that program I have been adding more time on the bike. That has helped ease the pain a little. I’m still running because the weight bearing aspect was advised. Just not as much. Maybe it’s time to add some speed for a 5K. 

Now we come to the hot flashes. I said they were a rare occurrence. WERE. Past tense. Now they have become a bit more frequent. And intense. Looking like I just got out of the shower. Like I am sitting in front of a nice roaring fire. And then it’s gone. Sleeping has begun to be a battle of temperature regulation. Too many covers and I start to roast. Toss them off and once the hot flash has passed I freeze. Sleep quality isn’t quite optimal some nights. But I am doing my best to deal with it and not complain too much. And for any female acquaintances reading this and dealing with hot flashes and menopause, I now understand! 🥵

Now to the title of this post. I had my simulation and measurement appointment today. And I got my tattoos. A little mark on each hip and one on my pelvic area. Last post I said things were getting real. This really upped it a level or two. As soon as everything is cleared with insurance and my treatment plan is finalized radiation therapy starts. Most likely within seven to ten days. Today brought me back to reality. Somehow I keep hoping this is just a bad dream. I know it’s not. Some days I can ignore things. That’s not  a choice anymore. But I won’t let this beat me. It may slow me down for a bit. I was told that fatigue is a side effect and a very real one. So, that means I can sneak in a nap without feeling guilty. I may be a step slower or a pedal stroke behind. But I won’t quit. I’m hoping to get in a race or two. Red Granite Grinder is in a few weeks. It would be nice to enjoy some colorful miles on the backroads. Stump Farm trail races are a month away. It’s at one of my favorite courses. I may not bring my “A” game but you’re going to have to work to get by me in the single track. It looks like I’ll have time to get ready for these events. 

Well, that’s enough for now. I will post again once radiation starts. I’ll have a a little free time. You may get tired of my rambling. I hope not. It helps to put my thoughts and feelings into words. As always, thanks for reading and following along. Comments and questions are welcome. Now, I think I’ll step outside and cool off for a minute. Don’t mind me! 

It's starting to get real all over again!

Well, vacation is over. I'm back to work. I guess it's a good time for a new post. 

Three weeks of vacation went by way too fast. Not much was accomplished but the main thing is that I wasn't at work! I got to relax. Spend some time with friends and family, of course being safe and socially distant. I got in some good runs, rides and even managed an actual pin a bib on race. All in all a good vacation. 

Of course it wouldn't be right to go too long with out a few medical appointments. My appointment for my Lupron shot was last Friday, September 4. I've been doing pretty good on the whole keep your chin up positive attitude front. Honest. I won't say I don't have an occasional craptastic day, but if you were to ask my better half, Tammy, I've been good. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! Last Friday just seemed to bring everything back to reality. Shit got real for me. Again. The Lupron shot is the precursor to my radiation therapy. The Lupron will lower my androgen levels and cause any cancer to shrink or grow more slowly. The shot itself was no big deal. What felt like a hypodermic the size of a large knitting needle in my left butt cheek. A little bit of a bruised and achy posterior for a few days (still lingering today.) It is a six month dose but the effects could last up to nine months. I'm as ready as I can be for any side effects. Joint or muscle pain isn't a big deal. Not complaining but that's a normal day for me. Hot flashes are a rare occurrence for me but they do happen. So that would not be that big of an issue. Anything else I'll deal with. Not like I have a choice.

Again, it's the upcoming radiation therapy that has me thinking. The cancer is basically undetectable, but it's not gone. And I know it's something that will always be in the back of my mind. Every check up. Every appointment. Every test that gets run. What if it is back? I don't dwell on it. It's the hand that has been dealt me and life goes on. I won't change-much. I'll keep doing what I do and being who I am. But it will always be in that dark little spot in my mind. 

What has really helped me in all this is the support of friends and family. This wouldn't be as easy of a fight without all of you. I won't even try to list you all, but if you're reading this you are a big part of my life and I can never explain how important you are or how much you mean to me and Tammy. And not everyone on that growing list will see this but they still are critical to my journey. All the check ins. All the messages, texts, e-mails, phone calls, social media posts, rides and runs mean a lot. One recent incident brought home the love and concern of friends and family. Tammy and I were having a couple of beers with some friends. Again, yes socially distant! I was wearing a shirt that was a gift from one of our daughters. It had what I'm calling my logo on it. 

It was just the shirt I pulled on that day. Julie asked where her shirt was. I was amazed, floored and touched more that I let on (I hope.) Next thing I know we're contacting our daughter, Lara to see if she can make more. My sister gets wind and she asks her for shirts. More friends want shirts. There's talk of a get together when I'm done with treatment and hopefully everyone is wearing a shirt. Without getting to sappy, I've never felt anything like this. If I could explain it in words, I would. If you've read my ramblings here you know that I'm not exactly a wordsmith. I won't even attempt to describe the feeling other than it's very special.     

Well, that's definitely enough for tonight. Tired minds tend to babble on and it is late. 

Thank you again for reading and following along. It goes without saying that comments and questions are always welcome. And oh yeah-FUCK CANCER!

Bring it on!

 It's been a week since my last post. It's a rainy day. I'm still on vacation. This seems like an opportune time for a new post. 

I had an excellent week of riding and running. At least that's my opinion. I had a great ride last Saturday at Standing Rocks County Park. A little over 14 miles over flowy, sometimes technical single track. An hour and forty-five minutes on the single speed with friends. It was amazing to see how they made the trail look so easy and the riding effortless. Riding with stronger riders really helps me push harder than I could normally. Thanks to Todd Meerdink for the invite and making me suffer. And for making me think it may be time for some gears and suspension! 

Sunday was a little more relaxed with an ice cream social and beer ride with Todd and his wife Suzanne and my wife Tammy. We wandered over to Weyauwega for ice cream and back to H. H. Hinder in town for a post ride beer. Nice relaxed pace and time with friends was a great end to the week. 

This week has been mostly running workouts. Goal pace. Progression run. Long and easy(ish). Tammy and I managed to get in a ride on the Tomorrow River Trail to break up the week. 21 miles of what I'll call central Wisconsin gravel. And it gave me a chance to dig out an oldie-1981 Centurion Super Elite. Similar to what I rode all over Wisconsin in the late 1970's. We just didn't know they were called gravel bikes back then.  

On the medical front, I'm going to stick with calling it good news. I have an appointment for a Lupron shot on September 4. This will block my production of the testosterone on which prostate cancer feeds. Once that takes effect it's time for radiation therapy. My first appointment for that is September 29. That appointment is to allow Dr. Ray to measure and pinpoint where the radiation needs to be applied. Once that is all set up it will be time to begin the radiation. 7 1/2 weeks. Five days per week. Over to  Appleton and back. 45 minutes each way. Can't say I'm looking forward to that drive every day. Hopefully I won't have to deal with another 45 minutes each way back and forth to work. That hasn't been determined yet. 

So-BRING IT ON! I'm ready for this. I know there will be some side effects. I can deal with that. I hope those close to me will be able to cut me a little slack. This may slow me down but it sure as hell isn't going to stop me. It's another challenge. Another hill to get over. And I will come out on the other side stronger. It wouldn't be wise to bet against me now. It's time to adapt and roll with the punches. 

Thanks for letting me ramble on again. It helps me clear my head and also process all that is happening. As usual, post are more than welcome. Thanks for taking time to check this out.

Oh yeah, and FUCK CANCER!

Ready for another challenge

Time for an update. Not really sure where this one is going. I'm starting on a Friday morning and hoping to be done by Friday evening. In between there will be a run. Maybe a ride. Maybe working on some bikes. Not sure. It's vacation and my plans are very fluid. I'm learning to deal with that, believe me!

I'm back! Did ya miss me?

It's been a good week, more or less. The Reforestation Ramble mountain bike race I participated in last Saturday, August 15, went well. Okay, better than I thought or hoped it would. It was only my third time on the mountain bike since surgery in May. I really wasn't sure what to expect or how I'd feel. I've always done well at this course. It plays to my style. Lots of flowing single track, some two track to break it up and not a lot of climbing. I'd usually say I'm at a bit of a disadvantage with a single speed but not there. The waves were ten riders every five minutes trying to keep age groups together as much as possible. I had a decent start and hit the single track in a group of three. We pushed hard to stay ahead of any chasers. About ten minutes in the lead rider lost a bit of momentum on a rooted climb in the single track. The other rider and I kept going, again pushing hard to keep a gap. The two of us worked together for the rest of the lap and the beginning of lap two. I was biding my time and trying to plan a good place to pass. I knew if we stayed together the entire lap he would easily out sprint me at the line. I stayed on his wheel as we hit a section of ski trail and when I saw more single track coming I pushed hard for a pass. Once in the single track I pushed hard to hold that gap. I kept thinking out of sight, out of mind. I know when I lose sight of a rider in front of me I tend to ease up. And it worked! I rode most of that last half lap assuming somebody was always right on my wheel. I ended up placing third in 50-59. A result I'm pretty proud of. I felt good, raced smart, recovered well, my support team (Tammy) made the race easy and started this week feeling fresh.

Thanks Gary Smits and XTR Photo for the shot! https://www.xtrphoto.com/

  

I had a pretty decent run this morning. I'm still using the half marathon program on the Garmin Connect app. Today's workout was a fast finish run. Now remember, fast is a relative term. What's fast for one is an easy day for somebody else. After a five minute warm up I was supposed to run one hour between 9:33-10:33. Believe it or not, I struggle to go easy. I tend to wander towards the low end or quicker on days like this. Then when the pace is supposed to pick up, I struggle to go fast. I tend to run in that no man's land that isn't slow, isn't fast and doesn't produce results. My past few runs I've really tried to keep the easy parts easy. It didn't help today when my watch struggled to find GPS. It kept telling me my pace was slow. But I knew from effort that it wasn't. But then my mind spoke up and said "Hey, maybe you really are going that slow." So I was tempted to push but I knew I was somewhere in that goal pace area. It finally locked in and of course, I was heading to the low end of the pace or quicker and tending to push. I reined it in for a couple miles before the hard efforts. The workout called for ten minutes between 8:23-8:43. Of course I planned my route to hit the hills for the harder efforts. Duh! I never claimed to plan training routes very well. I stayed on pace fairly well for those ten minutes. Next up was five minutes between 7:33-7:53. That's pushing for me, especially after one hour plus on a warm day. I stayed right in the middle and cooled down heading home. A good run that for a change I was happy with. 

The ride portion of today didn't happen. Messing around with bikes, one hell of a blood sugar crash, probably due to forgetting to eat after running and a powerful urge for a nap took up most of my afternoon. Again, I'm on vacation. No plan and I followed what my body wanted today. 

Now, maybe I should explain the title of this post and that picture at the beginning. The picture is meant to be humorous. Believe me, I'm taking this all very seriously, but it's not that serious! I mentioned an appointment with a radiation oncologist in my last post. That appointment was on Wednesday, August 19. I met with Dr. Michael Ray at ThedaCare Cancer Center. It was explained that my cancer is fairly aggressive. It has spread to the seminal vesicle on the right side. Good news is that it didn't spread to lymph nodes or bones. Dr. Ray explained things simply enough that even I could understand it. How the surgery went. Why I was referred to him. All my options. Studies that backed up his plan for treatment. I had a good (or bad, not sure how you look at it) feeling going in to the appointment. And I was pretty much correct. 

Here's what I'm looking at for the near future. I'll be getting a shot or shots to shut down my production of testosterone. Since testosterone feeds the growth of prostate cancer, we need to shut it down. Once testosterone is shut down, I'll start radiation treatment. Thirty-eight straight days. Yep-38 days. The treatments themselves aren't long, Approximately ten minutes. An occasional meeting with the doctor to check on my progress. The ten minutes isn't too bad, but the forty-five minute drive to and from isn't going to get old fast. 

Side effects from the treatments don't seem bad-to me. The alternative is worse. Just my opinion.  

After all this is finished, hopefully my PSA will be zero. 0. The last reading was 0.02. Low. Almost undetectable. Almost. Somewhere there is still a trace. Microscopic. Not enough to show on any scan. But still not zero. So that is the goal. 

I'm ready for the challenge. This is certainly not what I was planning for 2020. COVID is making it a bit more interesting. But I am up for this. Bring it on. I'm not planning on slowing down just yet. I may be down a bit but I'm not out! Six weeks of radiation may put a crimp in things, but I'll adapt. That's what endurance athletes do. And I do consider myself an endurance athlete. 

Whew! I've rambled longer than usual. I'll end this with some lyrics from a song on my playlist today. It sums up how I feel and how I'm approaching this next challenge. 

As always, thanks for reading. Any questions or comments are appreciated. Get out and run, ride or hike or ......enjoy the days. 

Made For This

Carrollton

I was made for this
Mind over matter
Silence the doubters
I have the power
Oh, I was made for this
I don't give up I won't back down
Goodbye worries no time to doubt
I feel the power, I won't be afraid
Fear won't stop me, I don't break
I was made for this