Progress

 Before everyone goes and blames me for blathering on and on on a more frequent basis, this blog post can be blamed on a friend and fellow fitness fanatic. I'd would name him or her but I don't want any harm to come to him or her!

It was suggested that the next blog subject should be the word "progress." According to Merriam-Webster, as a noun one definition is "gradual betterment." Using it as a verb it has one definition of "to move forward."

After my last post about acceptance this does seem like a natural progression! (See what I did there?) And progress goes hand in hand with acceptance. 

I am certainly not the runner, cyclist or especially human being I was at the beginning of this year. I can accept that. Really! And I know I will progress. 

It may be slow at first. I will probably (definitely) back slide too. But I will eventually move forward. I just need to be patient. Hmmm...maybe I should delve deeper in to that word in a future post. 

I'm hoping to progress to where I was at the beginning of the year. And then beyond that. I had a strong start to 2020 in my humble and uneducated opinion. I started the year doing a half marathon program using Zwift on the gym treadmill. I felt strong most days. My paces and distances were progressing nicely. I added in weight work a few days per week and saw my strength and the weights and reps progressing. I even managed to sneak in some time outside on the bike. Never far or fast but enough to keep the hunger alive for sunny spring miles. I felt like everything was on track for a strong 2020. In retrospect I think that in the deepest and darkest corners of my pessimistic mind I knew what was ahead. It’s possible I was pushing harder than I had in a while because I was afraid it was going to end. I had my first appointment with my urologist on January 6. By the end of February I had my diagnosis. And I was still moving forward. Feeling strong. Making progress. I knew surgery and the ensuing recovery were ahead so I was doing all I could. After surgery in May I tried to relax and remain calm. I took my recovery slow. I started another half marathon plan and slowly made progress. I did my 5 hour virtual run. I had a strong race on my single speed. I was moving forward. 

Then I started hormone therapy and radiation treatments in mid October. At this writing I am just over halfway through. I am aware of all the possible side effects. But I thought my fitness and general overall good health would minimize them. And that I would keep making progress. And I am horribly wrong. It took a couple of weeks but my earlier progress became steady as she goes. Then it became hanging on with all I had. And now I am trying to limit my losses. Progress becomes regress. What was effortless a few months ago is now damn near unthinkable. At best, I know it will stay this way. At worst, it will get worse. The two events I did since starting this regimen certainly brought me back to earth. I was amazed at how quickly I have regressed. 

But, eventually progress will find it’s way back. Slowly but surely. It will take time. That’s where patience comes in. Honestly, I’m secretly hoping that while I’m pushing during treatment that I can come back stronger than before. Or at least make progress quicker and smoother. But, I will eventually begin making progress again. 2021 brings new challenges, hopefully some races and a new age group. Look out 60+ I plan on kicking some ass. I can smack talk a little. It will help push me to progress once I kick cancer’s ass. And that is one front I believe I am making progress on. Every day brings me closer to being cancer free. That may be soon or in the distant future, but I am making progress!

So there you go. I hope you are happy Becky. Oops!!

Thanks again for reading. Comments and questions are welcome. 

Svenofthenorth

 

Acceptance

 

Acceptance. According to Merriam-Webster :  the act of accepting something or someone. Apparently I have an issue with this word. And I just came to this realization. Maybe I should also look up stubborn. Or pig-headed. 

Why the sudden eye opening? Well…I’ll try to keep this short. I promise. 

I went for a run this morning. After another day of radiation therapy. I wasn’t going to run. Honest. But I couldn’t waste the day. Sunshine. A little breeze. Somewhere around 70 degrees. In November! I had to do something, right? You understand, right?

I stopped in Medina at the Wiouwash State Trail. It is a rail trail, built on a former rail corridor. Generally straight as an arrow. Little elevation change. Gravel and dirt so it’s easy on the body. I haven’t been keeping up with the 5K program that I started after my half marathon plan completion. Today was supposed to be an easy day. Pace 9:33-10:33. Perfect conditions and course, right? 

Well, I won’t say it was a total fail, but it wasn’t a bona fide success either. I started easy and felt good. Better than I have in a while. I felt comfortable. Nothing hurt. Form felt good. The first couple miles went by smoothly. I started feeling “off” about the time I turned around. I stopped once to get a rock out of my shoe, at least that’s my excuse. I kept looking at my watch. For me that’s a sign I’m tired. The last two miles were a slog. I finished seven tough miles. I know that what’s fast for some is slow for others. But I felt slow. At the end of September I ran a half marathon with an average pace of 8:47. A week or so later I popped off my fastest 5K in years at a 7:37 pace. Suffice it to say today was nowhere near either of those. And felt so much harder. 

On my ride home the notion of acceptance crept in. I do realize I’m training, if that’s even the correct word, under unique circumstances. I need to accept that. Accept that I can still run. I can still ride. Still hike. Still enjoy the outdoors. I need to accept that my body isn’t at 100 per cent. I need to accept, adapt and listen to my body. Some days are good. Some days are not so good. And some days are a total shit show. I need to remember that rest is part of training. I need to learn to allow myself to beat this, heal and get healthy. I need to accept that I will have bad days but better days are ahead. I need to accept that I can’t keep comparing latter day Sven to today’s Sven. Or comparing myself to others. Trust me, I am trying. To my close friends and family, I will do my best to quit complaining and be happy with what my body will give day to day. 

Even after this revelation some days this concept is easier for me to deal with than others. This past Sunday was a perfect example. I had planned to ride with some friends at Standing Rock County Park. It was an amazing fall day. Sunny. Mid 70’s. Perfect day for some single track. But…Saturday night was a mess. Little sleep, and what sleep I did get was interrupted by hot flashes. I finally gave up around 4:30 a.m. Exhausted and disgusted. I knew that riding would be a bad decision. So I didn’t. And that bothered me. I thought maybe some fresh air and yard work would invigorate me. The fresh air felt good but didn’t help. Tammy and I were supposed to ride with Todd and Suzanne in the afternoon. And again, no ride. Twice in one day. By the end of the day I was done. Physically, emotionally and mentally. 

Monday was better. Tammy and I did a little walk after radiation. I got in a road ride in the afternoon. Even a flat tire couldn’t ruin my day or mood. I accepted what my body wanted to hand me and didn’t push past that. Tomorrow? Who knows. But I will do my best to accept it. 

Hopefully all of you can accept me. Good days, bad days and in between. I am trying!

Thanks for reading. As always, comments and questions are welcome. 

Svenofthenorth

Keeping my head up

Welcome back! It's been a while and you know what that means-it's time to brush the cobwebs away and empty my mind. Time for an update. I'm sure these updates are a little boring and tedious for my readers but they do help me. It helps to put thoughts, feeling and emotions on paper, or computer screen to be accurate. It helps me process all of the above. 

I'm just finishing up week three of radiation treatments. Fifteen days done. Twenty-three to go. It seems like an interminable time to me some days but the end is almost within sight. Everything is going well, at least in my humble layman's opinion. The side effects are getting more pronounced as the days pass. The hot flashes are more numerous. Enough to wake me out of a dead sleep. Needless to say my sleep quality isn't up to par. Unfortunately the fatigue is catching up to me so the occasional nap helps keep me alert through the day. Add in some muscle fatigue and joint pain on random days. And a couple other very interesting and at first disconcerting side effects to keep me on my toes. Nothing out of the ordinary according to the doctor. As whiny as that sounds I really do feel good. I haven't changed my normal routine much at all. All my treatments are at 10:00 a.m. so that once I'm home I have the day to do what I want.

As far as that goes I'm learning to listen to my body and adjust my training accordingly. If you can call it training. It's more of a go with the flow type of schedule. I'm trying to follow a 5k training plan but that's a crap shoot at best. I'll probably end up scrapping the schedule but for now it gives me a bit of structure. My running seems to be taking the brunt of my treatment plan. I had a goal pace run scheduled for last Tuesday, September 27. 5x1000m at my original goal pace of 7:39-7:49 with 200m rest. To say it was an epic fail is an understatement. Then 3x200m between 6:24-6:54. I had a difficult time staying at an 8 minute per mile pace. And it hurt. I felt slow. My form felt like I was running through pudding. I was winded beyond anything I'd felt recently. The 200m efforts were a total joke. I've never spent so much time looking at my watch hoping the interval would end. And like a dumb ass I pushed through to the end. And paid for it for a couple days. My body was not pleased. Since then I honestly am paying attention to what my body says it is capable of for the day. It may be a short ride. Today it was a relaxing walk on the Wiouwash trail with Tammy. 

Last Sunday I was hoping my body wanted to suffer and do a little race. The Stump Farm Mountain Bike race was November 1. I originally wanted to do the 20 mile 2 lap race. After riding at Hartman Creek on Friday I knew that wasn't an option. I usually use a 34x16 gear on my single speed. It allows me to climb all but the worst hills and I can still push a good speed when the trails open up. But on that Friday my legs felt like they did a few days earlier. I struggled to find the rhythm I usually feel. I just chalked it up to a few bad days and overdoing things. The day before I rode with Tammy at Hartman Creek and tested out my Checkpoint gravel bike. To say I was pleased with how it handled the trails is an understatement. I even considered racing it on Sunday but went with my tried and true Crave single speed. I thought about changing the rear cog to a 17 to make things easier. Then I thought about my last race. The Reforestation Ramble in August was on the same trails. I did the 20 mile race that day and felt damn good. That wasn't how I felt after this race. I should have put that 17 on and hoped for the best.

The race really wasn't that bad. The temperature was in the low 30's. Wind gusts around 40mph. Light snow. Sounds like fun, right?! I somehow ended up on the front line at the start. I had an uncharacteristically good start. I knew a couple of the racers in my wave and my goal was to hang with them as long as I could. Tom and Don are always strong and I hoped I could stay with them. When the course hit the first single track section I was second in behind Tom. I caught him and we put a good gap on the chasers. My legs were feeling dead right from the start. Every short punchy hill saw me lose ground to Tom only to push and catch him again. Whenever the single track emptied on to the two track Tom would shift gears, stand up and gap me. Then we'd hit another single track section and I'd push to close again. Finally about the half way point I pushed just a little too much and took a digger on a soft turn coming out of the single track. By the time I got up Tom was almost out of sight. At that point my race went from trying to hang on to trying to stay ahead. I knew Don was behind me but how far I didn't know. I did my best to keep the effort meter at close to red line but the little hills were really wearing me down. I started glancing at my cycle computer more often to guesstimate how close I was to the end. When I finally hit the finish stretch I saw a rider ahead of me. I thought it looked like Ben, a good friend I race and ride with often. I had kiddingly told him at the start that he was my rabbit. I tried my damnedest to catch him but eventually ran out of race course. He did slow a little and we almost managed to finish together. In the end I think Ben and I both were pleased with how the day went. He hasn't ridden much all year. You know my story. Ben nailed a first place in his age group. I hung on for a second in my age group. A good day all around. 

I felt pretty decent the day after. My ribs were a bit sore from my tumble. I had the normal post race phlegmy cough for a day. Legs were sore but no more than usual. I've ridden once very easy and short since. Felt good. And I listened to my body and actually cut the ride short. 

I actually waited until the very last minute to register for the race. But I got accepted to be an ambassador for another great group. Mind Over Matter Athletes. I felt I needed to live up to that image and suck it up. Everyone else was dealing with the same conditions. Embrace the suck!

So that's where I am. I honestly feel good. Staying positive. And the end is getting closer. 

Thanks for suffering through this long winded ramble. I appreciate everyone who reads these posts and follows along. It really does help me process and deal with things. 

Comments and questions are always welcome. Until next time, get out and enjoy the day. Run, ride, hike, walk ..........whatever feels good. Oh yeah............and FUCK CANCER!

 

 

WHY?

I was listening to a podcast recently and the topic of "why" came up. Why does a person run or ride or whatever? If you lose your "why" does that mean you've lost your motivation? Or lost your drive to continue during a race when things go south? Does it mean you've lost that elusive "mojo"? And it got me thinking. Hmmm....imagine that!

All that has been going on this year really got me pondering on this issue. The first "why" that popped up in my head was competition. Maybe that was my first thought due to the lack of races this year. Obviously due to COVID-19 real live pin on a bib and line up on a start line races have been rare. I did two running events before the shit hit the fan. One in February and one in March. The one in March probably snuck in just under the wire. My next actual event wasn't until mid August. That one was different due to all the safety precautions. People weren't hanging out in big groups. There were no awards presentation or post race food and beverages. It started in small ten person waves. It was safe and socially distant but still fun. Just in a different way. The next one was a gravel event in October. Pretty much the same set up. A bigger start but everyone was wearing a mask while we rolled out. Again, still a fun event. I did one virtual event which was a new animal for me. Pick a date and time. Run the time for which I registered. Post the results online. I still got some swag but everyone ran when and where they could. I don't know about everyone else but I can't push quite as hard or far by myself. I need that race day adrenaline rush. Chasing down that person in front of me or trying to put distance on the person behind. I have a hunch that this will be the new normal, at least for a while. And I'll get used to it. 

Now before I get too far I should probably define competition. For me it means toeing the start line and seeing what I can do. I don't mean racing and winning medals. I don't even mean setting PRs. It's a me vs. me kind of thing. If it's an event I've done, can I better last year's time? If it's a new event, it's how do I stack up against the locals? Like I said above, I just can't reproduce that race day feeling. Racing elbow to elbow makes me discover an extra gear. Some days. And some days it's a very humbling experience. It helps me explore how my training has gone. Which leads me to another "why". 

Training. I'll just define that as getting out the door and putting in the miles. Some days may have a purpose or goal. I may actually be trying to follow a training plan for an upcoming event. Some days it is just to be outside. Exploring new roads and trails. No time or distance goals. Sometimes it's local. Occasionally it's half way across the country.  

What really cemented my "why" was the aforementioned gravel event I just did. If you've followed this blog you know I am having a little health issue. I wasn't really sure I would or could do this event. But I had two friends doing the race. And the opportunity to ride with friends on new roads was the incentive I needed to register. Those same friends helped get me through a day when I just wasn't feeling "it." That's what friends do. If you do a lot or running, riding or other silent sports you spend a lot of alone time. And I do enjoy that. Especially lately. It helps me think. Sort through problems. Relax. Some days it helps me take out my frustrations. I'm sure some of my friends and family are raising their eyebrows right about now. Yes, I am an introvert. That's likely what pushed me to do the sports I enjoy and to continue doing them. But in the end it's friends. Meeting old ones and making new ones. Some in person and some via social media. These same friends help me train and push me when I compete. But in the end it's the simple act of friendship. I may not always be the friend I should. And I'm working on that. And my friends, online or in person, need to know how special they are. I may never say that, but you are. While I was writing this I've been staring at this:

It hangs on the side of a file cabinet in my little home "office." And it's a very special note, at least to me. I'm not used to being anybody's inspiration. I do hear that on occasion and for some reason it makes me a little uncomfortable. And a little bit proud!

So, here's to friends! Old ones. New ones. In person and online.  Making new memories and reminiscing. Pushing me when I need it and pulling me too. If I tried to list all the people I’ve shared miles with on roads and trails I’d have to have a separate post! Believe me when I say you are all my "why." 

As always, thanks for checking out my random ramblings. I appreciate it. Comments, questions and suggestions are always appreciated. But keep them friendly!!

Don't count me out yet!

 I see it's been a few weeks since my last post. I didn't get lazy or complacent. I was waiting until I had something worth writing about. Now just whether on not it's really worth posting about is definitely my personal opinion. I could probably post every day but it would get boring quick and most likely be of interest to just me. 

My last post ended with me waiting for radiation treatment to start. That began on Wednesday, October 14. That was my first of 38 treatments. 7 1/2 weeks. Monday through Friday. Approximately a 15 minute treatment. The first week and a half are various times. By October 26 I have my steady time. 10:00 a.m. In a way it's a bit like going in to work. It's about a 45 minute drive one way depending on traffic. On the plus side, my shift at ThedaCare Cancer Center is a little shorter than a normal work day. And I get Thanksgiving off! 

So far the treatments are going fine. None of the possible side effects have kicked in. Yet. At my simulation the nurse made it clear the fatigue would occur. It may take a bit to build up but she made it very clear that it would be real. That is the one side effect that might bother me. I don't usually have a lot of sit in me. I may not accomplish much some days but I usually stay busy, either at work or home. A little nap now and then is nice. Not sure how I feel about napping the day away. Before friends and family (you know who you are!) lecture me, I will be listening to my body. When it says "rest" I will obey. I've already taken more easy and down days than usual. I've said on more than one occasion that training is all about learning to adapt. And I'm doing that. Trust me.

The treatments are quick, painless and simple. At least on my end. I check in at what I'm calling my second home, ThedaCare Regional Cancer Center in Appleton. When I check in at the registration desk I am given a swipe card. I head right over to the radiation area and swipe myself in. There is a waiting room inside and I wait for the technician to call my name. Once they call me it's back to the radiation machine. I lie down and pull my sweats down enough so that they can see the tattoos. Oh yeah, did I mention I can spend most of my day in sweats! I suppose that's one plus! Then I lie there as the machine does it's work. No pain or discomfort. Maybe long enough for a cat nap if I am lucky. Then I'm done! I can finally empty my bladder, which is usually at code yellow. If I didn't mention that before I have to have a full bladder. That can make for an interesting drive to Appleton. Everyone is friendly, helpful, polite and positive, from the person taking temperatures at the door to the techs. This makes a stressful situation easier to handle. So far so good. It's still early but I'm am feeling great.

Speaking of making my days better, I had a surprise visit from our daughter Lara and the girls-Kaelyn, Aria and Everly. They came down with a little care package to brighten my day. It's simple things like this that make this just a bit easier with which to deal. 

As for feeling great, I felt good enough to do a little gravel race on Saturday, October 17. Red Granite Grinder was held in Wausau. The temperature was in the low to mid 30's. A little breeze. And SNOW! Yes, I said snow. The start was in a steady snow. Covering the bridges leading out of town to make things interesting. The trail sections were snow covered and tough. The gravel roads were wet and muddy. And it was a blast. To add to the challenging and memorable conditions and make the day better I rode with two good friends. Todd and Suzanne Meerdink pushed me up hills and pulled me down the gravel roads all morning. My riding partners made the whole day! To top off the day Suzanne was second woman overall and first in her age group. I managed a first in my age group too. I know I keep saying it but it wouldn't have happened without Todd and Suzanne. I probably would still be wandering the back roads after my Garmin refused to work! Of course Tammy was there as support crew to make sure the day went smoothly and that all boxes were checked and nothing was left at home ("do you have your boots?")

That's all I have for now. It was a good week, all things considered. Monday it all starts again. And I'll deal with it one day at a time. I'm sure I'll have a less than stellar day here and there. I just realize there are others who are dealing with much worse and not complaining. I don't have it too bad! As always, thanks for reading and following along. Questions and comments are always welcome. 

Tattoo Tuesday

 Hi! Welcome back. It’s been a few weeks since I posted an update. There hadn’t been a whole lot going on so I kept quiet. Amazing, I know! But…now that I have had time to think, here I go again. 

In my last post I wrote about receiving my Lupron injection and how I was ready to cope with the side effects. I may have been a little premature when I said they weren’t a big deal. The first week wasn’t bad. I’ve got this! Week two rolled around and I was very wrong. I had a couple days where I was sure that someone or something was trying to pull my joints apart. It was a constant and deep pain. Biofreeze was my friend. Arthritis strength Tylenol was part of my diet. For a few days I chalked the pain up to my half marathon training program. The only problem was that I was starting to taper. Mileage and effort were going down. And yet I hurt. Hurt almost to the point of tears. I hate to admit that. I like to think that I have a high pain tolerance. Maybe not quite as high as I thought. I continued running and riding, which actually helped. I finished my program with my own personal solo race. I squeezed out a 1:53:57 half marathon. Not blazing fast and just under my goal. I’ve never been good at hard all out efforts without some competition, so I was happy with the result. It didn’t hurt that Tammy rode along to help pace/push/pull me. Now that I have completed that program I have been adding more time on the bike. That has helped ease the pain a little. I’m still running because the weight bearing aspect was advised. Just not as much. Maybe it’s time to add some speed for a 5K. 

Now we come to the hot flashes. I said they were a rare occurrence. WERE. Past tense. Now they have become a bit more frequent. And intense. Looking like I just got out of the shower. Like I am sitting in front of a nice roaring fire. And then it’s gone. Sleeping has begun to be a battle of temperature regulation. Too many covers and I start to roast. Toss them off and once the hot flash has passed I freeze. Sleep quality isn’t quite optimal some nights. But I am doing my best to deal with it and not complain too much. And for any female acquaintances reading this and dealing with hot flashes and menopause, I now understand! 🥵

Now to the title of this post. I had my simulation and measurement appointment today. And I got my tattoos. A little mark on each hip and one on my pelvic area. Last post I said things were getting real. This really upped it a level or two. As soon as everything is cleared with insurance and my treatment plan is finalized radiation therapy starts. Most likely within seven to ten days. Today brought me back to reality. Somehow I keep hoping this is just a bad dream. I know it’s not. Some days I can ignore things. That’s not  a choice anymore. But I won’t let this beat me. It may slow me down for a bit. I was told that fatigue is a side effect and a very real one. So, that means I can sneak in a nap without feeling guilty. I may be a step slower or a pedal stroke behind. But I won’t quit. I’m hoping to get in a race or two. Red Granite Grinder is in a few weeks. It would be nice to enjoy some colorful miles on the backroads. Stump Farm trail races are a month away. It’s at one of my favorite courses. I may not bring my “A” game but you’re going to have to work to get by me in the single track. It looks like I’ll have time to get ready for these events. 

Well, that’s enough for now. I will post again once radiation starts. I’ll have a a little free time. You may get tired of my rambling. I hope not. It helps to put my thoughts and feelings into words. As always, thanks for reading and following along. Comments and questions are welcome. Now, I think I’ll step outside and cool off for a minute. Don’t mind me! 

It's starting to get real all over again!

Well, vacation is over. I'm back to work. I guess it's a good time for a new post. 

Three weeks of vacation went by way too fast. Not much was accomplished but the main thing is that I wasn't at work! I got to relax. Spend some time with friends and family, of course being safe and socially distant. I got in some good runs, rides and even managed an actual pin a bib on race. All in all a good vacation. 

Of course it wouldn't be right to go too long with out a few medical appointments. My appointment for my Lupron shot was last Friday, September 4. I've been doing pretty good on the whole keep your chin up positive attitude front. Honest. I won't say I don't have an occasional craptastic day, but if you were to ask my better half, Tammy, I've been good. That's my story and I'm sticking to it! Last Friday just seemed to bring everything back to reality. Shit got real for me. Again. The Lupron shot is the precursor to my radiation therapy. The Lupron will lower my androgen levels and cause any cancer to shrink or grow more slowly. The shot itself was no big deal. What felt like a hypodermic the size of a large knitting needle in my left butt cheek. A little bit of a bruised and achy posterior for a few days (still lingering today.) It is a six month dose but the effects could last up to nine months. I'm as ready as I can be for any side effects. Joint or muscle pain isn't a big deal. Not complaining but that's a normal day for me. Hot flashes are a rare occurrence for me but they do happen. So that would not be that big of an issue. Anything else I'll deal with. Not like I have a choice.

Again, it's the upcoming radiation therapy that has me thinking. The cancer is basically undetectable, but it's not gone. And I know it's something that will always be in the back of my mind. Every check up. Every appointment. Every test that gets run. What if it is back? I don't dwell on it. It's the hand that has been dealt me and life goes on. I won't change-much. I'll keep doing what I do and being who I am. But it will always be in that dark little spot in my mind. 

What has really helped me in all this is the support of friends and family. This wouldn't be as easy of a fight without all of you. I won't even try to list you all, but if you're reading this you are a big part of my life and I can never explain how important you are or how much you mean to me and Tammy. And not everyone on that growing list will see this but they still are critical to my journey. All the check ins. All the messages, texts, e-mails, phone calls, social media posts, rides and runs mean a lot. One recent incident brought home the love and concern of friends and family. Tammy and I were having a couple of beers with some friends. Again, yes socially distant! I was wearing a shirt that was a gift from one of our daughters. It had what I'm calling my logo on it. 

It was just the shirt I pulled on that day. Julie asked where her shirt was. I was amazed, floored and touched more that I let on (I hope.) Next thing I know we're contacting our daughter, Lara to see if she can make more. My sister gets wind and she asks her for shirts. More friends want shirts. There's talk of a get together when I'm done with treatment and hopefully everyone is wearing a shirt. Without getting to sappy, I've never felt anything like this. If I could explain it in words, I would. If you've read my ramblings here you know that I'm not exactly a wordsmith. I won't even attempt to describe the feeling other than it's very special.     

Well, that's definitely enough for tonight. Tired minds tend to babble on and it is late. 

Thank you again for reading and following along. It goes without saying that comments and questions are always welcome. And oh yeah-FUCK CANCER!