Listen up boy!!

Welcome back!

When I began this post I felt the need to do a little more mental purging. Not sure why. Maybe the craptastic weather - mid 30's and 35 mph wind gusts. Apparently I'm not as hardy as I imagine myself to be. So instead of putting on my big boy pants and venturing outside, I began to empty my mind. 

After my post about acceptance I have realized I'm not doing very well on that front. I'm a little hard of hearing. And I've been told I'm a bit stubborn. I need to listen to what my body is trying to tell me. I'm trying but most days I am having a hard time accepting that I can't keep up. That I can't hit my goal paces. That I can't ride or run the distance I would like. 

I know that I need to relax. Believe me, multiple people remind almost every day that my body is fighting and trying to heal. And I know that. It seems that my mind doesn't want to listen to my body. 

It's a battle I've been fighting as long as I can recall. I've lined up on the start line of a 40 mile mountain bike race after being told I should be under bed rest for back spasms. I started a cross country ski race with a fever up around 101°F. I've apparently broken and cracked bones and continued riding, running and working out (that's what my latest bone scan showed.) I guess I don't listen well!

Lately the weather is my biggest enemy. In central Wisconsin the weather has been very fall-like. Except for a few nice days in the 70's it has been cold and windy. Most days not enough to keep me inside but enough to make riding or running, shall we say, interesting. I generally try and head out in to the wind. And try to just go easy and not let Mother Nature get me down. I've had two rides recently where I didn't do well on that front. The headwinds frustrated me. Pissed me off. I almost let it defeat me. I kept looking down at my Garmin and seeing my speed. WTF! That can't be right! A little uphill and a headwind and I'm almost down to single digits. And there's nothing more in the tank. 

My Thursday ride and Friday run last week were perfect examples of my stubbornness and difficulty realizing that I'm not pre-radiation Dustin. I probably put in more miles than was wise on Thursday. The wind on my way out to Saxeville seemed to suck the energy out of my legs. I got home and admitted to Tammy that I almost gave up. I wanted to walk up a hill on Long Lake Road I would normally power up. I damn near got out my phone and called for a ride home. I seriously wanted to quit. That has never happened before. My run Friday was no better. I tried, key word tried to do my 5K scheduled workout. It called for a 10 minute warmup, 1.5 mile time trial and 10 minute cool down. All I can say is that it was very humbling. I'll admit it was a pretty good uphill run on the Wau-King trail heading up to the High School. Still.....my little time trial felt ridiculously hard. It felt like race pace. I won't even add the pace. My heart rate was higher than it should have been for the pace. By the time I went for a ride Saturday I was depressed and beaten. Another headwind. I did my best to relax and not look at my speed. I will admit I did better than I thought I would. I kept telling myself it's just a damn ride! Be glad you're out riding! Once I got the wind behind me I actually enjoyed the ride. I didn't feel better. Any hard effort was immediately rewarded with an instant loss of energy. The remainder of Saturday was spent on the couch napping while my body tried to recover. 

This week hasn't been much better on the listening front. I did a virtual duathlon on Thursday. I couldn't believe how slow and clumsy I felt both riding and running. Today, Friday I went for a little road ride. I know I probably shouldn't have but......again, I struggled with the wind. And felt horrible. Depressed. Demoralized. Actually angry with myself. I tried to relax and just spin. It worked a bit but then I'd look down and see single digits as I went up hill. Deep down my brain just won't let my body relax. I have some ideas as to why, but I'll bore you with that at another time!

My goal for the next week is to listen to my body. Really listen. And then take what my body will allow for that day. If it says "relax, rest and nap" then I will do that. If it says "let's go really easy today and just enjoy" I will do that. I'm going to pay attention and finally listen. I know I need to rest, recover and heal but that doesn't mean total inactivity. I need to listen and find that fine line to balance my days. I need to listen when my body wants to call it quits and then decide if it really has had enough or if I'm just being a big weanie! 

Just so it doesn't seem like all I do is whine, I am listening! I rode Tuesday, November 17. And it truly wasn't a good day. Instead of packing it in I relaxed and worked on flowing through the local single track. It didn't pay to push because I didn't have any push in me. So I guess I can be taught! Baby steps. 

Wish me luck!!

As always, thank you for following this endless stream of babbling, whining and purging. It helps me cope in a weird kind of way! Comments, questions and pleas to just shut up are always welcome!

Svenofthenorth

Progress

 Before everyone goes and blames me for blathering on and on on a more frequent basis, this blog post can be blamed on a friend and fellow fitness fanatic. I'd would name him or her but I don't want any harm to come to him or her!

It was suggested that the next blog subject should be the word "progress." According to Merriam-Webster, as a noun one definition is "gradual betterment." Using it as a verb it has one definition of "to move forward."

After my last post about acceptance this does seem like a natural progression! (See what I did there?) And progress goes hand in hand with acceptance. 

I am certainly not the runner, cyclist or especially human being I was at the beginning of this year. I can accept that. Really! And I know I will progress. 

It may be slow at first. I will probably (definitely) back slide too. But I will eventually move forward. I just need to be patient. Hmmm...maybe I should delve deeper in to that word in a future post. 

I'm hoping to progress to where I was at the beginning of the year. And then beyond that. I had a strong start to 2020 in my humble and uneducated opinion. I started the year doing a half marathon program using Zwift on the gym treadmill. I felt strong most days. My paces and distances were progressing nicely. I added in weight work a few days per week and saw my strength and the weights and reps progressing. I even managed to sneak in some time outside on the bike. Never far or fast but enough to keep the hunger alive for sunny spring miles. I felt like everything was on track for a strong 2020. In retrospect I think that in the deepest and darkest corners of my pessimistic mind I knew what was ahead. It’s possible I was pushing harder than I had in a while because I was afraid it was going to end. I had my first appointment with my urologist on January 6. By the end of February I had my diagnosis. And I was still moving forward. Feeling strong. Making progress. I knew surgery and the ensuing recovery were ahead so I was doing all I could. After surgery in May I tried to relax and remain calm. I took my recovery slow. I started another half marathon plan and slowly made progress. I did my 5 hour virtual run. I had a strong race on my single speed. I was moving forward. 

Then I started hormone therapy and radiation treatments in mid October. At this writing I am just over halfway through. I am aware of all the possible side effects. But I thought my fitness and general overall good health would minimize them. And that I would keep making progress. And I am horribly wrong. It took a couple of weeks but my earlier progress became steady as she goes. Then it became hanging on with all I had. And now I am trying to limit my losses. Progress becomes regress. What was effortless a few months ago is now damn near unthinkable. At best, I know it will stay this way. At worst, it will get worse. The two events I did since starting this regimen certainly brought me back to earth. I was amazed at how quickly I have regressed. 

But, eventually progress will find it’s way back. Slowly but surely. It will take time. That’s where patience comes in. Honestly, I’m secretly hoping that while I’m pushing during treatment that I can come back stronger than before. Or at least make progress quicker and smoother. But, I will eventually begin making progress again. 2021 brings new challenges, hopefully some races and a new age group. Look out 60+ I plan on kicking some ass. I can smack talk a little. It will help push me to progress once I kick cancer’s ass. And that is one front I believe I am making progress on. Every day brings me closer to being cancer free. That may be soon or in the distant future, but I am making progress!

So there you go. I hope you are happy Becky. Oops!!

Thanks again for reading. Comments and questions are welcome. 

Svenofthenorth

 

Acceptance

 

Acceptance. According to Merriam-Webster :  the act of accepting something or someone. Apparently I have an issue with this word. And I just came to this realization. Maybe I should also look up stubborn. Or pig-headed. 

Why the sudden eye opening? Well…I’ll try to keep this short. I promise. 

I went for a run this morning. After another day of radiation therapy. I wasn’t going to run. Honest. But I couldn’t waste the day. Sunshine. A little breeze. Somewhere around 70 degrees. In November! I had to do something, right? You understand, right?

I stopped in Medina at the Wiouwash State Trail. It is a rail trail, built on a former rail corridor. Generally straight as an arrow. Little elevation change. Gravel and dirt so it’s easy on the body. I haven’t been keeping up with the 5K program that I started after my half marathon plan completion. Today was supposed to be an easy day. Pace 9:33-10:33. Perfect conditions and course, right? 

Well, I won’t say it was a total fail, but it wasn’t a bona fide success either. I started easy and felt good. Better than I have in a while. I felt comfortable. Nothing hurt. Form felt good. The first couple miles went by smoothly. I started feeling “off” about the time I turned around. I stopped once to get a rock out of my shoe, at least that’s my excuse. I kept looking at my watch. For me that’s a sign I’m tired. The last two miles were a slog. I finished seven tough miles. I know that what’s fast for some is slow for others. But I felt slow. At the end of September I ran a half marathon with an average pace of 8:47. A week or so later I popped off my fastest 5K in years at a 7:37 pace. Suffice it to say today was nowhere near either of those. And felt so much harder. 

On my ride home the notion of acceptance crept in. I do realize I’m training, if that’s even the correct word, under unique circumstances. I need to accept that. Accept that I can still run. I can still ride. Still hike. Still enjoy the outdoors. I need to accept that my body isn’t at 100 per cent. I need to accept, adapt and listen to my body. Some days are good. Some days are not so good. And some days are a total shit show. I need to remember that rest is part of training. I need to learn to allow myself to beat this, heal and get healthy. I need to accept that I will have bad days but better days are ahead. I need to accept that I can’t keep comparing latter day Sven to today’s Sven. Or comparing myself to others. Trust me, I am trying. To my close friends and family, I will do my best to quit complaining and be happy with what my body will give day to day. 

Even after this revelation some days this concept is easier for me to deal with than others. This past Sunday was a perfect example. I had planned to ride with some friends at Standing Rock County Park. It was an amazing fall day. Sunny. Mid 70’s. Perfect day for some single track. But…Saturday night was a mess. Little sleep, and what sleep I did get was interrupted by hot flashes. I finally gave up around 4:30 a.m. Exhausted and disgusted. I knew that riding would be a bad decision. So I didn’t. And that bothered me. I thought maybe some fresh air and yard work would invigorate me. The fresh air felt good but didn’t help. Tammy and I were supposed to ride with Todd and Suzanne in the afternoon. And again, no ride. Twice in one day. By the end of the day I was done. Physically, emotionally and mentally. 

Monday was better. Tammy and I did a little walk after radiation. I got in a road ride in the afternoon. Even a flat tire couldn’t ruin my day or mood. I accepted what my body wanted to hand me and didn’t push past that. Tomorrow? Who knows. But I will do my best to accept it. 

Hopefully all of you can accept me. Good days, bad days and in between. I am trying!

Thanks for reading. As always, comments and questions are welcome. 

Svenofthenorth

Keeping my head up

Welcome back! It's been a while and you know what that means-it's time to brush the cobwebs away and empty my mind. Time for an update. I'm sure these updates are a little boring and tedious for my readers but they do help me. It helps to put thoughts, feeling and emotions on paper, or computer screen to be accurate. It helps me process all of the above. 

I'm just finishing up week three of radiation treatments. Fifteen days done. Twenty-three to go. It seems like an interminable time to me some days but the end is almost within sight. Everything is going well, at least in my humble layman's opinion. The side effects are getting more pronounced as the days pass. The hot flashes are more numerous. Enough to wake me out of a dead sleep. Needless to say my sleep quality isn't up to par. Unfortunately the fatigue is catching up to me so the occasional nap helps keep me alert through the day. Add in some muscle fatigue and joint pain on random days. And a couple other very interesting and at first disconcerting side effects to keep me on my toes. Nothing out of the ordinary according to the doctor. As whiny as that sounds I really do feel good. I haven't changed my normal routine much at all. All my treatments are at 10:00 a.m. so that once I'm home I have the day to do what I want.

As far as that goes I'm learning to listen to my body and adjust my training accordingly. If you can call it training. It's more of a go with the flow type of schedule. I'm trying to follow a 5k training plan but that's a crap shoot at best. I'll probably end up scrapping the schedule but for now it gives me a bit of structure. My running seems to be taking the brunt of my treatment plan. I had a goal pace run scheduled for last Tuesday, September 27. 5x1000m at my original goal pace of 7:39-7:49 with 200m rest. To say it was an epic fail is an understatement. Then 3x200m between 6:24-6:54. I had a difficult time staying at an 8 minute per mile pace. And it hurt. I felt slow. My form felt like I was running through pudding. I was winded beyond anything I'd felt recently. The 200m efforts were a total joke. I've never spent so much time looking at my watch hoping the interval would end. And like a dumb ass I pushed through to the end. And paid for it for a couple days. My body was not pleased. Since then I honestly am paying attention to what my body says it is capable of for the day. It may be a short ride. Today it was a relaxing walk on the Wiouwash trail with Tammy. 

Last Sunday I was hoping my body wanted to suffer and do a little race. The Stump Farm Mountain Bike race was November 1. I originally wanted to do the 20 mile 2 lap race. After riding at Hartman Creek on Friday I knew that wasn't an option. I usually use a 34x16 gear on my single speed. It allows me to climb all but the worst hills and I can still push a good speed when the trails open up. But on that Friday my legs felt like they did a few days earlier. I struggled to find the rhythm I usually feel. I just chalked it up to a few bad days and overdoing things. The day before I rode with Tammy at Hartman Creek and tested out my Checkpoint gravel bike. To say I was pleased with how it handled the trails is an understatement. I even considered racing it on Sunday but went with my tried and true Crave single speed. I thought about changing the rear cog to a 17 to make things easier. Then I thought about my last race. The Reforestation Ramble in August was on the same trails. I did the 20 mile race that day and felt damn good. That wasn't how I felt after this race. I should have put that 17 on and hoped for the best.

The race really wasn't that bad. The temperature was in the low 30's. Wind gusts around 40mph. Light snow. Sounds like fun, right?! I somehow ended up on the front line at the start. I had an uncharacteristically good start. I knew a couple of the racers in my wave and my goal was to hang with them as long as I could. Tom and Don are always strong and I hoped I could stay with them. When the course hit the first single track section I was second in behind Tom. I caught him and we put a good gap on the chasers. My legs were feeling dead right from the start. Every short punchy hill saw me lose ground to Tom only to push and catch him again. Whenever the single track emptied on to the two track Tom would shift gears, stand up and gap me. Then we'd hit another single track section and I'd push to close again. Finally about the half way point I pushed just a little too much and took a digger on a soft turn coming out of the single track. By the time I got up Tom was almost out of sight. At that point my race went from trying to hang on to trying to stay ahead. I knew Don was behind me but how far I didn't know. I did my best to keep the effort meter at close to red line but the little hills were really wearing me down. I started glancing at my cycle computer more often to guesstimate how close I was to the end. When I finally hit the finish stretch I saw a rider ahead of me. I thought it looked like Ben, a good friend I race and ride with often. I had kiddingly told him at the start that he was my rabbit. I tried my damnedest to catch him but eventually ran out of race course. He did slow a little and we almost managed to finish together. In the end I think Ben and I both were pleased with how the day went. He hasn't ridden much all year. You know my story. Ben nailed a first place in his age group. I hung on for a second in my age group. A good day all around. 

I felt pretty decent the day after. My ribs were a bit sore from my tumble. I had the normal post race phlegmy cough for a day. Legs were sore but no more than usual. I've ridden once very easy and short since. Felt good. And I listened to my body and actually cut the ride short. 

I actually waited until the very last minute to register for the race. But I got accepted to be an ambassador for another great group. Mind Over Matter Athletes. I felt I needed to live up to that image and suck it up. Everyone else was dealing with the same conditions. Embrace the suck!

So that's where I am. I honestly feel good. Staying positive. And the end is getting closer. 

Thanks for suffering through this long winded ramble. I appreciate everyone who reads these posts and follows along. It really does help me process and deal with things. 

Comments and questions are always welcome. Until next time, get out and enjoy the day. Run, ride, hike, walk ..........whatever feels good. Oh yeah............and FUCK CANCER!