Motivation. Or the lack thereof.

 

Have you seen it? I don't know where it has gone. It was just here. And just like that, POOF, it's gone. 

From www.lifehack.org - "Trying to be perfect is a common cause of motivation loss, because it just isn't possible. Many of us are afraid to try new things or complete projects, thinking, “Why bother? I know it won't be good enough.” Instead, we should focus on trying our best." 

That may be part of the problem, but I don't think it's the entire issue. It's true that I've been somewhat frustrated trying to gain back the fitness I lost throughout 2020. It's also true that I've mostly gotten over that stumbling block. I'm no longer forty, or even fifty something. I'm fine with that. I've had my little health scare and handled it fairly well (in my opinion.) I may have lost a step or pedal stroke but I'm still going. Or at least I was until recently. It would seem my get up and go has gotten up and left. And it didn't leave a note saying when it would return. 

I think part of the problem is that just when I'm feeling good, life happens. Just when I start feeling good reality gives me a kick in the shorts. 

I mentioned in an earlier post that work has been a bit more challenging. Retirements. New employees. Training those new employees. Overtime (the last four days were all over eight hours.) Trying to fit twelve hours work in to eight hours. General craziness!!! Anywhere from seven to twelve miles of walking while doing my job. My day starts when I roll out of bed at 4:30 a.m. Lately I'm happy if I can make it home by 5:00 p.m. By then I'm beat, physically and mentally. I get home and I don't want to do a damn thing. I know I should do something. In the past I would have. Lately that isn't the case. 

If you're following along, you may remember that I mentioned some numbness and tingling in my hands. After a few appointments and tests it appears that I have moderately severe carpal tunnel syndrome. I have future appointments to discuss treatment options. I think that this is part of my missing motivation syndrome! Just when I thought doctor appointments, tests, poking and prodding and waiting for answers was over, it seems I am starting the process anew. My last few days off have been filled with trips to more doctors. I admit it is disheartening. On a lighter note, I have received my first COVID vaccine and will get the second dose late in April!!

I'm hoping some nice weather and a few days off rekindles the flame. It's still there but it feels like a flicker instead of a roaring flame. 

According to Psychology Today, "Motivation is the desire to act in service of a goal. It's the crucial element in setting and attaining our objectives." I think that may be part of my issue. by this time most years, I've got a goal or goals. Races are lined up. Runs and rides are planned. I usually have some sort of loose plan or schedule. Even 2020 had goals. Pre-cancer I had a solid plan and goals. I had marks to hit and defined workouts to keep me motivated. Then the double C's hit (COVID and cancer.) And they gave me new goals. Kick cancer's ass and get healthy. Stay healthy despite COVID. I've been pretty successful there also.

So.....it looks like maybe I need a goal. Something definite. Not necessarily an event but a definable and quantifiable goal. Something to work towards. I'm not sure what that may be. I need to ruminate on this for a bit. I have ideas. I need to see what work, life and a few more appointments have to say on the topic. 

Until then, if you see my motivation, please send it my way. I'd deeply appreciate it. 

Thanks for following these random ramblings. I appreciate it. It helps me work through life. As always, comments and questions are welcome, along with a match to light that fire!! And as always I have to end by saying FUCK CANCER!!

I'm calling this a win! On to the next chapter!

This is the day I've been waiting for since this journey began. As of this day, I'm saying that I have kicked prostate cancer's ass!!

I had my PSA blood test on Monday, March 8. I now know why it's been called the "Periodic Stimulation of Anxiety" test. I was on edge all weekend leading up to the test. When the message from the doctor's office posted on my phone app I was honestly scared to open it and read it. 

Less than 0.01!! After my appointment today, Thursday, March 11 my doctor called that UNDETECTABLE!! FUCK CANCER!! (Light blue for effect and to represent prostate cancer.) You can not imagine the relief I felt when I walked out of the hospital today. I smiled all the way on my walk home. When I arrived home you can be sure Tammy and I shared a huge hug and shed a few tears.  

I still have three month check ups for the first year. If those continue to go well they will be moved to every six months. I won't lie and say I won't worry when those dates get closer, but it won't be anything like the last year plus has been. 

I have a few other minor issues I need to deal with but nothing like this. 

Now it's time to return to some semblance of normalcy. 2021 is really, truly, honestly going to be a rebuilding year for me. I won't be making excuses for my performances. Nor will I be setting ridiculous and outlandish goals. I am going to be happy with riding, running and whatever else Tammy and I can find to do. No pressure. Rides with friends. Pushing just a little on runs with friends (try to be nice Becky.) Hopefully some hiking miles on sections of the Ice Age Trail that Tammy and I haven't visited. I'm sure there will be some "competitive" events. I'm putting that in quotes because the one person I will really be competing against is me. This year the results won't matter. I will just enjoy being able to line up and compete and hopefully push the envelope just a little more every time. DFL certainly beats not being able to compete at all. It's a year to enjoy life to it's fullest.

I have to thank everyone who stood by Tammy and me through this journey. This may have been my fight but friends and family made it easier. I may not be the best at expressing my deepest feelings or emotions but know you all are very special in my heart. 

This is definitely the start of Chapter Two. Time to wipe the slate clean and begin anew. Let's see what kind of shenanigans I can get up to. Trust me, I will keep blogging. Hopefully future posts will be focused on recovery, rebuilding and new adventures. 

As always, thank you for following along. I appreciate all the reads. Questions, comments and suggestions  are always welcome. Of course I have to end this like usual, that won't change. FUCK CANCER!!