I'm still here. You can't get rid of me that easily!

Hey! Remember me? It's been a while, hasn't it? Of course, you know what that means, right? I've got a lot on my mind and lots to say! 

2021 didn't turn out quite like I planned. I had high hopes and big plans. I am not really complaining. Much. It's just that I had planned for different (read better) results. I had some good days. Some less than stellar days. I had a few good races. A few I'd really like to forget. 

As much as I try not to, I keep comparing myself and my results to past years. I do realize I'm getting older. I do know I've been through a rough couple of years. My body keeps reminding me of these facts. My brain doesn't listen well to these facts. A few crappy workouts or a less than stellar race result can really bring me down for a few days. On the opposite end, a good day starts to buoy my hope. I need to be happy that I can still do the things I love. And still do them relatively well. I am going to try and separate pre-2020 Svenofthenorth from post-2020. Life, age and especially cancer affects every person differently. I'm a case study of one, and in reality, I'm doing pretty damn good. Now, if my mind will just accept that fact!

On to 2022. Plans are still very much up in the air. Work is still the biggest issue for making long term plans. Days off are never guaranteed. I usually don't know until the week in advance if my time off will be granted. 2022 may be even more difficult. The company I work for has the same issues as most others. Lack of workers. This is causing massive amounts of overtime. 12 hour shifts. Lack of relief leading to time off being denied. Add in people quitting and retiring and it doesn't look like it will get better soon. Taking all that in to account I think my competitive plans will be very fluid this year. Adapt and go with the flow. Fingers crossed. I am registered for three events at this time. I ran the Point Bock 5 mile run on March 5. This is a tradition for me. I've missed it once since 2003. No PR's this year. I ran this year with friends. Conversational pace. I appreciated the company and the lack of pressure to put up a certain time.  The Ice Age Trail half marathon on May 14. That is still very iffy. Not sure what my body is up to. I know I can always shuffle/walk my way through but I'm not sure that's what I want to do. I know I'm not going to set any PR's but I still want to enjoy the day. And be able to walk the next day. And again it's dependent on time off. At this point it honestly looks like I'm going to pass this year. A couple of days running and the pain is at a level that makes every day life unbearable. The event I'm really looking forward to is Marji Gesik. September 17. I've been hearing wonderful (horror) stories about this for a couple of years. I tried my damnedest to get in when registration opened in October of 2021. It filled in minutes. While I was checking out. Missed it by that much. Oh well, next year. Then I received a Christmas gift(?) from a great friend and riding buddy(?). "Guess what? I pulled some strings and got you in." This race had a DNF rate of 70% in 2017. What the hell am I in for??? My goal is to finish and not die. I'm not even going to say finish injury free. JUST FINISH! I blame Todd! 

One plus to all the work days is the opportunity to get back to regular bike commutes. 2020 was a big fat goose egg. 2021 wasn't much better. 20 trips by bike. I really don't have any excuse for not doing this. I'm usually awake at dark:thirty a.m. I just need to be organized. Pack clothes the night before. Have my lunch ready. Bike in the car. I'll be bold and put it out there that I'm aiming for 50 commutes. Once the roads are safe and clear I can start. Hopefully soon.

My biggest goal this year is to get back to some version of "normal." I'm not yet sure what constitutes normal. Maybe just feeling good. Energized. Less pain and stress free. Truly enjoying life again. Having fun. Sounds like a great goal. An attainable goal. A goal over which I have complete control. 

My main reason for this post is to celebrate my cancerversary. Two years since my biopsy results. February 28, 2020. Two years since my life and Tammy's life changed forever. It's definitely changed me. Some for the good. And I can't lie. Some for the bad. And I won't lie by saying I wouldn't change things. I haven't honestly had it as bad as some while dealing with cancer. It has made me stronger. I try so hard to appreciate every day. I've met some amazing people. Become part of some incredible groups. I have some special friends who stood by Tammy and me every step of the journey. Family has had my back from day one. I am so grateful for all of that. But....I would gladly go back and change things if I could. But I can't. Add in another PSA test with an undetectable result. I consider that one year of cancer-free results. 2022 is starting off well.  So, one day at a time. I hope you will ride/run/??? today a little harder for me and everyone dealing with cancer. Maybe raise an adult beverage tonight and say "FUCK CANCER" for me. If you have a minute I'd appreciate if you would check out this link - https://my.crowdchange.co/k6ydj7  I know many of you have donated and I can not thank you enough. 

More later. Really. I'll be back! As always, again. FUCK CANCER! 

It's been a helluva year.

May 5, 2020

May 1. 2021

To me the title says it all. It has been a helluva year. Actually from one surgery to the other it was less that a year. Prostate cancer surgery on May 5, 2020. Double carpal tunnel and tendon release on April 30, 2021. But I'm making progress. At least that's what I'm calling it. Slow. Steady. Frustrating. But moving forward. I took six weeks off work to recover after my operation. A little tumble while trail running may have delayed my return to work? According to Tammy, " you can't even pretend to be smart!" Since my hand surgery I've even snuck in a couple races. Slow and not quite the results I would have liked. But real live in person pin on a number line up at a starting line races! No complaints there. I did a 5k on May 15. Not fast. But I finished without falling. That's a big plus! It's still frustrating to me that I can't run the times I think I should be able to, but I'm running. Kinda. It got so tough for a while that I've taken a break from running. The aches weren't worth the effort anymore. I'll be back. Hopefully soon. I'm not sure if the muscle loss and lack of testosterone are the issue. I'm trying to work in some yoga and core work. Maybe that will get me back. Maybe a few low key trail runs might help. We'll see. 

So I've been putting in miles on two wheels. I snuck in a mountain bike race on June 13. Again, not fast or the results I would have liked, but it was racing. Maybe the hilly course and riding a rigid single speed had something to do with my end result. 

These two events gave me a little bit of a benchmark and an indication of my fitness. Let's just say there is some work to be done. On the bike my biggest issue right now is my hands. After a few hours they are starting to ache. I know they will eventually better. As with everything else-PATIENCE! 

I have a few more events on the calendar, but nothing definite. I'm keeping things relaxed and easy at this point. Honest!! 

I've also restarted my bike commutes. After taking off all of 2020 it was time. I'm not a big fan of starting my day at 4:00 a.m. but the rides are relaxing. By my return trip I'm usually beat. But, if I waited to do something when I get home, it might not happen. This way I'm getting in a few miles. 

Oh, and did I mention-ANOTHER GREAT TEST RESULT! I had my six month visit/test the beginning of June and there is no cancer detectable. It also showed my testosterone is barely detectable. That's why I'm holding out hope for a little better results as that returns to normal. 

That's where I'm at now. Easy riding. Hopefully some easy running soon. Miles with friends and family. Slow and steady. Looking at the first photo, I'd say I'm making decent progress. 

As always, thanks for reading and following. I appreciate it. I haven't posted a link to my fund raising page in a while. It's a great organization. And I appreciated any and all donations. https://click.pstmrk.it/2s/my.crowdchange.co%2Ftkdn3f/UrU5YAUN/iIlM/zMadEhOVi8

Until next time-Get out and ride/run/get moving. And FUCK CANCER!

P.S.-sorry about the layout. Obviously I'm not a professional at this!

2021 Iola Bump and Jump.

                     2021 Hammer Down 5Kish                                       

 

Just a speed bump

 

Here I go again. Just as I was gaining back some lost fitness and looking forward to possibly having a somewhat normal race season, I have hit a bit of a speed bump. It may knock me back a step or two but I'm definitely not down. If cancer hasn't kicked my ass this really is just a temporary setback. 

On April 30th I had carpal tunnel surgery and tendon release on both hands. I've been dealing with it since last fall. Actually I've probably had it for years but it finally got bad enough that I couldn't ignore it any longer. The numbness in my fingertips was getting annoying. Worse was a finger and both thumbs that would lock up. Add in the loss of grip strength and some pain and it was time to get it corrected. I really knew it was time when I did a mountain bike ride last week. With gears!! And I couldn't shift the front derailleur due to pain and the loss of strength. A road ride a few days later really helped make my decision easier as every rough spot got my attention. 

I had surgery at Wisconsin Hand to Shoulder Center of Wisconsin/Woodlands Surgery. I was pretty nervous going in. With all the medical visits I've had in the last year I get a little bit on edge. I think that's a reasonable reaction. In hindsight I had no reason to be anxious. I had a great experience from check-in to post-op instructions. My physician, Dr. Blake Hildahl and his team were great. In my mind it helps that Dr. Hildahl is an active person. During surgery we talked about riding, running, triathlons and the Birkie. He knows my activity level and wants me to be able to return to "normal" activity as soon as possible. 

And what you read above is correct. We talked during surgery. I chose to have the operation done under local anesthesia. It was less hassle for me and the surgical team. No special instructions the day before. No special diet. No pre-op physical. Ten minutes after surgery was finished I was in the car headed home. It was a rather odd sensation knowing that my hands were being cut and operated on. I could feel some tugging but that was about it. Dr. Hildahl explained what he was doing during the operation and I even got to see how my tendons work!! The entire team was exemplary. I was never worried or uncomfortable. I was as relaxed as you can be while being awake and being operated on. I could smell fresh coffee brewing when they wheeled me back to recovery. I remarked how it smelled so good.  I had a slight headache from lack of caffeine and was craving something. "Would you like a cup? Or a Coke?" Next think I knew I was trying to drink a cold Coke through a straw. Trying being the key word. At this point I knew I was going to be a little bit hand-icapped for a few days. 

Recovery is going very well two days out. My hands are still a bit stiff and sore. At this point about ninety percent of the numbness and tingling is gone. I feel I have a little bit more grip strength just due to my thumbs not clicking and trying to lock up. The finger is still sore and stiff but I'm hoping with time and movement it will loosen up. Time will tell how successful the procedures are but I am very optimistic. I had reservations going in to all this but as of now I'm happy with the decision that I made. And I recommend Hand to Shoulder Center of Wisconsin/Woodland Surgery Center and Dr. Hildahl very highly. 

Now it's time for another recovery. I'm hopeful I can get back to running in a day or two. Trail running may be off the table for a bit due to my clumsiness and aptness to do a Superman quite often. Getting back on the bike may take a bit more time. It will be a case of how much pain can I tolerate. Again I'm guessing that laps on the local single track may be a few weeks away. But we'll see...... I get a couple weeks off work to recover and "rest." If I can't do anything else I'll be doing plenty of walking and hiking. 

That's where I am now. I'm hoping to salvage some sort of racing season but that is still up in the air. I have another PSA test and visit with my oncologist in mid-June. No worries until then! 

As always, thanks for following this crazy journey. Hopefully they'll get back to training and racing blogs soon. Comments and questions are welcome. If you are interested in making a donation I'd appreciate it if you check out my fundraising page. Anything is appreciated. It's a great charity and super group. And obviously very dear to me.  https://my.crowdchange.co/tkdn3f

Until next post.....FUCK CANCER!!  

Svenofthenorth

Motivation. Or the lack thereof.

 

Have you seen it? I don't know where it has gone. It was just here. And just like that, POOF, it's gone. 

From www.lifehack.org - "Trying to be perfect is a common cause of motivation loss, because it just isn't possible. Many of us are afraid to try new things or complete projects, thinking, “Why bother? I know it won't be good enough.” Instead, we should focus on trying our best." 

That may be part of the problem, but I don't think it's the entire issue. It's true that I've been somewhat frustrated trying to gain back the fitness I lost throughout 2020. It's also true that I've mostly gotten over that stumbling block. I'm no longer forty, or even fifty something. I'm fine with that. I've had my little health scare and handled it fairly well (in my opinion.) I may have lost a step or pedal stroke but I'm still going. Or at least I was until recently. It would seem my get up and go has gotten up and left. And it didn't leave a note saying when it would return. 

I think part of the problem is that just when I'm feeling good, life happens. Just when I start feeling good reality gives me a kick in the shorts. 

I mentioned in an earlier post that work has been a bit more challenging. Retirements. New employees. Training those new employees. Overtime (the last four days were all over eight hours.) Trying to fit twelve hours work in to eight hours. General craziness!!! Anywhere from seven to twelve miles of walking while doing my job. My day starts when I roll out of bed at 4:30 a.m. Lately I'm happy if I can make it home by 5:00 p.m. By then I'm beat, physically and mentally. I get home and I don't want to do a damn thing. I know I should do something. In the past I would have. Lately that isn't the case. 

If you're following along, you may remember that I mentioned some numbness and tingling in my hands. After a few appointments and tests it appears that I have moderately severe carpal tunnel syndrome. I have future appointments to discuss treatment options. I think that this is part of my missing motivation syndrome! Just when I thought doctor appointments, tests, poking and prodding and waiting for answers was over, it seems I am starting the process anew. My last few days off have been filled with trips to more doctors. I admit it is disheartening. On a lighter note, I have received my first COVID vaccine and will get the second dose late in April!!

I'm hoping some nice weather and a few days off rekindles the flame. It's still there but it feels like a flicker instead of a roaring flame. 

According to Psychology Today, "Motivation is the desire to act in service of a goal. It's the crucial element in setting and attaining our objectives." I think that may be part of my issue. by this time most years, I've got a goal or goals. Races are lined up. Runs and rides are planned. I usually have some sort of loose plan or schedule. Even 2020 had goals. Pre-cancer I had a solid plan and goals. I had marks to hit and defined workouts to keep me motivated. Then the double C's hit (COVID and cancer.) And they gave me new goals. Kick cancer's ass and get healthy. Stay healthy despite COVID. I've been pretty successful there also.

So.....it looks like maybe I need a goal. Something definite. Not necessarily an event but a definable and quantifiable goal. Something to work towards. I'm not sure what that may be. I need to ruminate on this for a bit. I have ideas. I need to see what work, life and a few more appointments have to say on the topic. 

Until then, if you see my motivation, please send it my way. I'd deeply appreciate it. 

Thanks for following these random ramblings. I appreciate it. It helps me work through life. As always, comments and questions are welcome, along with a match to light that fire!! And as always I have to end by saying FUCK CANCER!!

I'm calling this a win! On to the next chapter!

This is the day I've been waiting for since this journey began. As of this day, I'm saying that I have kicked prostate cancer's ass!!

I had my PSA blood test on Monday, March 8. I now know why it's been called the "Periodic Stimulation of Anxiety" test. I was on edge all weekend leading up to the test. When the message from the doctor's office posted on my phone app I was honestly scared to open it and read it. 

Less than 0.01!! After my appointment today, Thursday, March 11 my doctor called that UNDETECTABLE!! FUCK CANCER!! (Light blue for effect and to represent prostate cancer.) You can not imagine the relief I felt when I walked out of the hospital today. I smiled all the way on my walk home. When I arrived home you can be sure Tammy and I shared a huge hug and shed a few tears.  

I still have three month check ups for the first year. If those continue to go well they will be moved to every six months. I won't lie and say I won't worry when those dates get closer, but it won't be anything like the last year plus has been. 

I have a few other minor issues I need to deal with but nothing like this. 

Now it's time to return to some semblance of normalcy. 2021 is really, truly, honestly going to be a rebuilding year for me. I won't be making excuses for my performances. Nor will I be setting ridiculous and outlandish goals. I am going to be happy with riding, running and whatever else Tammy and I can find to do. No pressure. Rides with friends. Pushing just a little on runs with friends (try to be nice Becky.) Hopefully some hiking miles on sections of the Ice Age Trail that Tammy and I haven't visited. I'm sure there will be some "competitive" events. I'm putting that in quotes because the one person I will really be competing against is me. This year the results won't matter. I will just enjoy being able to line up and compete and hopefully push the envelope just a little more every time. DFL certainly beats not being able to compete at all. It's a year to enjoy life to it's fullest.

I have to thank everyone who stood by Tammy and me through this journey. This may have been my fight but friends and family made it easier. I may not be the best at expressing my deepest feelings or emotions but know you all are very special in my heart. 

This is definitely the start of Chapter Two. Time to wipe the slate clean and begin anew. Let's see what kind of shenanigans I can get up to. Trust me, I will keep blogging. Hopefully future posts will be focused on recovery, rebuilding and new adventures. 

As always, thank you for following along. I appreciate all the reads. Questions, comments and suggestions  are always welcome. Of course I have to end this like usual, that won't change. FUCK CANCER!!

 

Sick and tired of being sick and tired!!

I think the title of this post says it all. Of course I'm going to say more. What did you expect?

This week it's been my "new normal" again. That means more doctor appointments. Some for regular age related check-ups. And some for some new and interesting issues. 

I mentioned in my last post that I was having some tingling and numbness in my hands and feet. Mostly my hands. Lately I've added some pain to the problem. In the palms. In my thumbs. Now add in a couple of fingers that would lockup while I sleep. What next??

I thought maybe the increase in time spent on the trainer might be a cause. I added in some running again but that didn't seem to help. I tried two pairs of gloves with no relief. Maybe it is work? But nothing has changed there. Same job I've had for ever. No new tasks or changes in my duties. 

So.... off to the doctor. I saw the Physician's Assistant who works with my primary care doctor. Some poking and prodding. A bunch of questions. A few vials of blood. And no definitive answers. Might be carpal tunnel. So I'm trying wrist braces at night. So far not much help. Although it has helped slightly with the issue of a couple of fingers that would literally lockup during the night. 

The blood work revealed some vitamin deficiencies. B-12. D. So I've got a couple of pills I have to remember to pop. Maybe that will help?

The next step is an appointment with a specialist. I'm really hoping and crossing my fingers-when they straighten enough  to cross! I'm a little concerned that this could really put a crimp in my cycling this year. It's not an issue to ride with my hands off the bars on the trainer but that's not a realistic option on the road or trails. You would know this if you've ever seen me ride!!!

Running is still a struggle. A ten minute per mile pace feels like race pace. I'm hoping that some of the vitamins might help. In addition my Lupron injection should start wearing off soon. That will allow my body to start producing testosterone again. I'm crossing my fingers that it will also help. It just baffles me why running is SO HARD while biking seems less so. Don't get me wrong. It's still a struggle, but nothing compared to running. Maybe because it's a weight bearing exercise? My heart rate doesn't seem way out of whack but effort and perceived exertion feel off the scale. At least I'm still running and riding. It may seem like I'm constantly whining but I am grateful to still be able to do what I enjoy even if it is at a more relaxed pace. Miles are miles no matter what the pace. 

On a lighter and brighter note, I am celebrating a milestone on February 28. I've chosen that day as my CANCERVERSARY!! Some people choose the day they are told they're cancer free, or a last treatment. I chose this because it is the day last year that I got my diagnosis. That is the day my life changed in ways I could never have imagined. An interesting and challenging year to say the least. I may not be officially cancer free, That day is yet to come. This is definitely a day I will never forget. On the 28th have a beer for me, preferably something strong and dark. Or a glass of single malt scotch-over ice. Ride some miles or go for a run and do a couple extra for me! By reading this, following along and adding comments and supporting me, you have all helped more than you will ever know!! THANK YOU. If you feel so inclined you can also check out my fundraising page. https://my.crowdchange.co/tkdn3f  If you've donated before-THANK YOU! This year it would mean even more as another family member is dealing with this fucking disease!

Well, that's all for now. Of course there will be more to come. Hopefully all with good news. Thanks for following and reading these random ramblings. Comments and questions are always welcome. And as always, FUCK CANCER!!

Letting go

 

Welcome back. It's been a couple weeks. Hopefully your 2021 is off to a good start. Mine.....well, I'm working on it. 

This post is probably going to be a rehash of past blogs. But I need to work things out in my head and putting fingers to keyboard usually helps. 

I was hoping that 2021 would start off with a bang. New year. New me. Hit the ground running, or biking, or whatever. If I am honest, I'd say it's been a mixed bag at this early date. 

I've been doing some Zwifting, with mixed results. For those of you not familiar with Zwift, it's an app/program that allows you to do virtual rides. Like a video game. If you have a "smart" trainer it even makes you work. Hills feel like hills. Downhills fly by. It's fun. When it works!! Apparently my trainer/iPad/bluetooth doesn't always get along. I'll be riding along, either in a group ride or structured workout and suddenly, NO CONNECTION!! My online rider coasts to a stop. If I'm lucky I can back out and reconnect. But that usually means I've lost the group or my workout starts from the beginning. I've had a little better luck using a laptop but it is so old and slow (like me!) that I need to start it up well before I want to ride. Maybe it will start Zwift, maybe not. I thing it depends on the weather! At least when (if) it finally connects it seems to stay connected. 

To make it more interesting I've been dealing with some numbness/tingling in my hands and feet. Stress? Bad bike position on the trainer? Some new and interesting medical malady? Who knows. It's a few weeks before I have my follow up. Getting in to see a doctor is damn near impossible. Maybe April?! I'm taking a few days off to see if it helps. Updates to follow. It's frustrating because I was feeling good on the bike. I have an old 1985 Trek 2000 on my trainer. Downtube shifters. 6 speed freewheel. 52/39 and 13-21. Probably not ideal but I was having good results. I was even sneaking in a few rides outside. Not long. Not fast. But outside. In January. In Wisconsin. They felt good too. Maybe not pre-2020 good but decent. I was hoping for a good start to 2021. Now I'm not as confident. 

Running has been a different story completely. To say the least it is frustrating. That's where this post's title comes from. I keep comparing 2020 and earlier to now. Right now a 10 minute per mile pace is tough. Honestly tough. Some days brutally tough. Then I get frustrated. And mad. And depressed. And then it goes downhill from there. I keep looking at last year. Running honestly felt effortless. Pre-surgery I felt as good as I have in years. I had the workouts and races to prove it. Even after surgery I felt good. My recovery went well and running fitness came back quickly. I had a great half marathon program. Posted my best 5K in 5+ years. By late fall it seemed somebody put lead in my shoes. Workouts were work! Miserable work. And I kept looking back. I WAS better than this. Past tense. WAS!! I know things change. My body has been through and is going through a lot. And yet I keep looking back. I know it's not smart. And I keep doing it!!!! I need to let go and accept that I'm still able to run and ride or do whatever I choose. I should be okay with that. And then I look over my shoulder at "old Sven." And he shakes his head and asks what the hell is going on?

And right now I have no answer. It really hurts deep down. And I know it is somewhat beyond my control. It's just that my tine chimp brain just won't listen to reason!!

So I'm going to try a new approach. New year. New ideas. NO MORE DAMN COMPARING!! I've started a new decade in life (60's) so it's time to wipe the slate clean. Every day is a chance for a new age related PR. Basically I can only get faster and go farther. At least that's my thinking. 

I have a sneaking hunch that race season 2021, if it even happens, will be a new experience. This year I am choosing to call races "events." Now don't assume I won't be pushing myself to whatever limits my body will allow. I just get the feeling that speed is a thing of the past. Endurance isn't a huge concern. I can always stop and rest, right?? It will be fun to experience some courses with a new outlook and maybe even enjoy the scenery. It will be fun to be able to talk with others instead of gasping for breath. I'm going to have fun. Not that races aren't fun, it's a different type of fun. No second guessing how the race could have/should have gone. No chasing that break. No trying to drop that runner on my heels. I still want to do well. I want to experience that endorphin rush. That feeling when everything clicks and you know it's your day. It's just going to be at a bit slower pace. And I'm fine with that. REALLY! I've done a few races over the years and honestly don't feel that I have much left to prove. 

Today is my day off from work. Seems like a good day to start this forward looking plan. I'm going to take each day as it comes and accept what it gives me. I'll celebrate the good days and deal with the less than stellar days. I will be happy to get out and enjoy the miles, no matter the distance and whether they be slow or fast. Much better than no miles. 

If you hear my whining and complaining feel free to give me a swift kick in the chamois. If I'm bitching about this or that ache or pain or how slow I feel, remind me that the alternative is the couch of doom.....or worse. No promises that there won't be some back sliding but I will be working on this. Call it my 2021 training goal. Now I'm going to see what today has waiting for me.

Thanks for following along and putting up with some of my whiny posts. I appreciate it more than you all can imagine. Like I said above, this helps me sort out my feeling and thoughts. It's helped me deal with this past year. Comments and questions are always appreciated. And as always......FUCK CANCER!